I try to reserve my hate for really horrible things like genocide and poverty, but under the assumption that I’m obviously not comparing this project to the true worst things about humanity, I have to admit that I hate everything about the 40 days of dating project. EVERYTHING.
My Bias: they’re not writers and while in many ways they don’t claim to be (after all this project is really just a bunch of repetitive forms or diary entries filled out for the internet to see), but I think we all know that along with their new Hollywood agent, they’re hoping for (planning on) a book deal and likely have been from the beginning. And while I get that sometimes non-writers can author a book and it can actually be interesting (because they themselves are so interesting) that doesn’t really apply here. These are two designers
narcissistic assholes who are trying to become real housewives of worthlessness type famous. Finally, while I don’t necessarily begrudge anyone taking their opportunity to become rich and famous, I just can’t fucking stand people who do it on a lie (and their lie is that this whole thing isn’t a big fucking act put on by two not great people). Show me heart and I’ll respect you, show me your ass and call it your heart and I’ll hate you forever.
So, For those of you who have been lucky enough not to be exposed to this fake-staged-irrelevant-insincere-bullshit, you’re lucky (and also, sorry because I’m about to ruin that by exposing you to it).
The basic premise of the “experiment” is that two people with opposite relationship issues (though I would actually argue they have the same one of being completely self-deluded), she falls too quickly, he has commitment issues, date each other for 40 days (with I guess the hope of curing their issues?)
I can’t stand when women say things like I fall in love easily or I just really give relationships my all because I know that in their fucked up heads they think these things are admirable. They don’t get that by suggesting that the lust they feel is love that they completely devalue what love really is (and also…what is so awful about lust that people are always trying to make it into love?!?). They don’t understand that by giving everything to a relationship that they don’t really understand what a relationship is, or what being a complete person is. The funny thing is I have great respect for someone who can realize that they’ve got issues and things to work on personally, but pretending the issue that you face is that you’re just so goddamn sweet and nice and caring rather than that you are totally out of touch with who you are as a person is something I just can’t get on board with.
I also can’t stand guys who think they’re nice but are really just some cross between a total fucking baby and just dumb as shit. This is the kind of nice guy who thinks he’s protecting your feelings by constantly saying that he doesn’t want to lead you on and that he’s damaged or something rather than just spitting out the truth which is that he doesn’t like you as much as you want him to. I find this completely insane that a guy could think this is protecting a girl somehow, but it’s totally common so there ya go. The thing is though, if he actually just said the words, something like look, I like you this amount, that is all I’ll like you, if you want to continue to hang out I can do that but my feelings won’t change. Then, the girl could decide, is she okay with said amount of liking? If yes, she stays. If no, she goes. Either way, she made a decision based on all the information. Sure, she might have hurt feelings (I know I personally can’t believe anyone doesn’t think I’m the most interesting woman in the world but here’s what, SHE WILL GET THE FUCK OVER IT, I promise). And the upside is she won’t have spent weeks obsessing over whether or not you really like her because here’s what…that obsessing…that detective work and mind-reading is the very thing that makes her hurt and later hate you.
Anyway, that’s who this project is about. The girl who devalues love and the man-child who can’t rip a bandaid.
Detour: Have you ever had a friend who seems to be involved in all kinds of drama and yet tells you that they hate drama? Yeah, they’re lying. They fucking love drama. Sure, no one likes negative things and fighting and feeling upset…obviously. But drama comes with adrenaline and intrigue and it’s something to do, and more often than not feeds the ego…AND THAT’S WHAT YOUR FRIEND LIKES. And here’s the thing of the thing, you can always get out of the drama. There’s always a way. Just get out. If you don’t like it just get out. Get out. GET OUT. JUST FUCKING GET OUT!!!
That’s what reading this stupid experiment feels like though – two people complaining about a bunch of things they could EASILY fix (like easy bake oven easy, like me with a super smart football player easy, you get the idea).
And you’re probably thinking – still though, why so upset?
And here’s why: I hate this project and these people for the same reason I hate the majority of reality television – because it’s pretending to be real, to be honest, to be about exposing some sort of truth about human relationships rather than just some vain-attention-getting-grabber-wheel-of-people-who-aren’t-worth-the-attention. It’s fucking human poison and I hate everything about it.
Now, before you go well hey, isn’t that what you’re doing here? Let me explain.
I commend people who bare their souls and get book deals (even if they’ll only ever be authors and not writers, I love a good celebrity biography as much as the next guy).
I think it’s great to try experiments with your life, to go on adventures, to seek opportunities and when they arrive to take them completely.
I applaud those that are innovative, fresh, willing to be embarrassed, take risks, etc.
But if you’re going to sell me lemonade, you can’t fucking make it out apples. When you call something the truth, it has to actually BE the truth. (okay well it doesn’t, I mean you can do whatever you want, free country and all that, but if you don’t want me not to hate you, if you want me not to think that you’re poisoning the hearts and minds of the easily swayed with your bullshit agenda and disingenuous attempts to bare your heart, then you have to actually do it with the truth).
Because that’s really what’s at the heart of why I despise these two and this project. While I hate to infantilize people, there are hundreds (possibly of thousands) of people who actually believe fairy tale nonsense (and love this project) and don’t see the stupidity that is its participants (stupid in certain ways only because as much as I dislike them, so many more do not and think they’re great and I would bet a fortune that they have an agent and a book deal within the month if not already). I feel like there are real people, who want to know real things about dating (and how to be happier with dating and more emotionally sound with their dating choices) and for those people, I blog, and for those people, I hate this project on behalf of.
Because a regular reader, might not see that this guy is such a douchebag, they might not see that he strings her along on purpose and for his ego, that he’s a fucking childlike crybaby, that when he says he was being “playful and funny” that he was actually just being boring and tedious (and that he’s a part of that whole epidemic of men who think they can just say that they have a good sense of humor and then they do, that you don’t have to be witty or intelligent to be funny, this guy is spreading that like wildfire).
He’s the guy who worries about words. Who thinks labels are what make a relationship and that it’s his job to protect others (under the assumption that he’s just so fucking unbelievably amazing that were he to reject someone they might not make it through the day). And yet, spends the whole 40 days apparently unable to figure out how he feels about someone. Is it really that hard to figure out your feelings?
For example, I can love someone and yet also know that I don’t want a committed long distance relationship. I feel a thing, I think a thing through, I figure a thing out. Why does this guy struggle so? Is it possible that perhaps he likes the power of lording it over the poor half-wit that is his female counterpart (and for reference I think they’re both half-wits so this isn’t a gender thing)?
Because a regular reader, might not see her for the complaining child that she is. (how, btw, can people manage to be super successful and yet totally fucking ridiculous?!!). Why would you start a project like this when you’ve recently developed a debilitating case of migraines (that get worse with stress, stress like trying to get famous on the internet)? She’s the girl who stiff upper lips her way through dinner pretending she’s not in pain (all the while acting like a totally aloof asshole who barely wants to be there).
It’s this bullshit martyr act that drives me insane. (these are examples and didn’t really happen in the project) – She’s the girl who comes to your birthday party and then throws up on everything because she had the flu and she thinks she’s a super great friend who did this great thing for you, except you’re like bitch, why didn’t you just stay home, I can live without you at my birthday and now not only have you made yourself the fucking princess-centre-of-attention but you’ve barfed on everything and ruined my party. She’s the girl who cleans up at the party before it’s over, thinking to herself oh look at me, such a good little homemaker when what she’s really doing is being rude to all the guests and hey! bitch I was still drinking out of that cup and did you throw out the piece of cake I was saving!?!?
I could go on and on but I think you all get the picture. Everything about the 40 days of dating is unloveable, including the participants. She’s the sweetie-try-hard who’s not actually sweet and he’s the nice-interesting-playboy who’s neither interesting nor nice (nor really a playboy).
The whole thing is just so fucking insincere and out of touch and I can’t fucking stand it.
They’re the Spencer Pratts of fake vulnerability, the Tap Out shirts of dating, the Ed Hardy of sexual honesty.
And one final note, if you spend 5 sentences describing the meal you ate, and a 3 word phrase to say we had sex – either the sex is fake or the project’s integrity is.
In their defense: The typography was kind of cool. Also, I’m aware I’m only seeing two sides of the story (and yes, a story can have more than two sides, particularly because they are confined to filling out a daily questionaire rather than possibly going off with their own writing to explain things more clearly). Also, the one thing that is actually neat about the whole project is something I’ve always kind of wished for…having more than one side. While I always try to write honestly and accurately about my affairs, we can never truly know what the men were thinking then or now because they aren’t able to write about it (well technically I would publish it if they wanted to be that’s not really an easy thing to make happen). So, on that front, I commend them.