…And Then He Left, Like All The Rest

Dating Mistakes


He Pressed His Chest Against My Breast…And Then He Left, Like All The Rest.

Okay.  Before your heart starts crying on my behalf…bear in mind my love of a good title, so take this one with a grain of salt.  It’s not nearly as tragic and dramatic as it sounds.  But it rhymes, like a boss.

The morning after our sexy romp, France texted.  It was sweet, it was cute, it was usual.

And throughout the week that followed there was lots of texting.  And yet…it never really seemed to go anywhere.  Which was unfortunate given that I was raring to go.  But I’m not a girl that can’t take hints (all evidence to the contrary in this blog, I know).  Nonetheless, hints are not facts and since he continued to communicate as frequently as before, it was hard to believe things had just fallen off.

Not one to mince words or worry about fucking things up with someone I didn’t care about in any meaningful way, I finally just asked him one night.  I went balls to the wall.  Because what did I have to lose?  Either he was already not interested and this was my chance at certainty or he was interested and this would be his chance to step things up.  Plus, honestly, with school starting in a few days I wanted to know sooner rather than later and skip all the stress and uncertainty.

So I asked.

Point blank.

In a text message.  (don’t judge, when there’s a language barrier, talking on the phone seems near impossible and just plain awkward).

Okay well actually first I just said Hey.  (this time I left off the cutie).

And he returned with Hi.  (leaving off the sweet of usual).

I knew it was over.  It seems small and insignificant, the use of pet names.  But still, I knew.  We bantered for a minute and then I asked, point blank, if he was still trying to hang out.

His answer not really.  BOOM!

And I could’ve left it at that.  But this was my opportunity.  We’ve been through this before, dear readers, you know I love a good answer though people rarely get them in dating.  And so I asked.

No worries I texted, Do you mind if I ask why or what changed?

I was hoping I was asking nicely enough that he would feel comfortable enough delivering whatever brutal truth he had without fear that I’d become hysterical or suicidal or whatever the reason is that boys pull the fade instead of just manning up and spitting it out.

And then I went one step further and added and btw thanks for being honest, I really appreciate that 🙂

I was worried it seemed a bit kiss ass but they didn’t come up with that adage about catching more bees with honey than vinegar for nothing and I wanted to make sure he felt he could be completely honest.  Which he was.

His answer (unedited):  im honest so i tell u, i dont like the time we get sex And u take toys. that Not fair for a men the first times, for me is nothing i dont care. But next dont do it. Because for me that mind he cant give u plaisir natural and u need toys for that. I for me, blowjob is more important then sex. And u not do it. And im really not patience for nothing.

His answer (edited):  I’m honest so I will tell you.  I don’t like that you used a vibrator when we had sex.  That’s not fair for the first time with a guy.  For me it’s not a big deal but with the next guy don’t do it because, to me, that means he can’t give you pleasure naturally and you need a sex toy for that.  Also, for me, a blowjob is more important than sex and you didn’t give me a one and I’m not patient enough to wait around.

His answer (edited with translation):  I’m honest so I will tell you.  I’m a misogynistic dick.  Your pleasure doesn’t mean anything to me and only matters in as much as I can be the man giving it to you.  Your pleasure is merely a reflection of the big-dick-swinging man that I am.  And given that I don’t care about you as a woman, let alone as a human being, I would prefer that you acted according to my desires and my needs and hid your own sexuality (along with that terrifying vibrator) back under the bed.  I am insecure about my abilities.  I don’t understand anatomy.  And mostly I don’t give a shit what you desire or need to make the experience the most pleasurable for you.  That being said, for me, I need blowjobs and not so much sex which is a totally valid desire and though I incorrectly assumed you weren’t into that (given that you haven’t represented your blowjob hubris on any scale to me), that is where my understanding lies and so I must discontinue our relationship as I don’t have the patience to find out if my assumptions are right, which is my prerogative.

The good  news:  I’m not a dud.  Hooray!!!

The bad news:  And that’s the end of that.

Except technically…well…I guess…we’re still sort of friends.  And I use the term “friends” very loosely.  But not in the sexual way that people normally would.  We’re friends in the sense that normally, from what I can gather, he doesn’t keep women that haven’t worked out, in his life.  But, I guess, it seems he’s keeping me.  Which at first flattered me, but comes with two inherent problems.

1.  Guys always say let’s stay friends.  Now, this comes on the back of one of THE MOST HONEST (admittedly jackassy, but still…he was fucking honest) explanations of why a guy wasn’t interested in me, so it would seem that I could take him at his word.

2.  Did I actually want to be friends with this dude?  I mean, let’s be honest.  This escapade had an expiry date from the beginning.  And while, in general, I hope the best for him, in the same way I do for every human being, there was no emotional attachment and there likely never would be.  We didn’t have the same values, interests, language…or, to be brutally honest (and sound like a bit of an asshole myself), have a comparable intellect.  While I’m open to the possibility in romantic comedies it’s rare that a Graduate Student and a Fitness Trainer are going to be compatible in any real sense.  Not to mention the whole misogyny thing.  That being said, beggars can’t be choosers in a town without friends…at least until I meet some (note from the future: I will meet some great ones ;).  So I said, sure…and we’re still facebook buddies.  And hey, who knows, maybe we do become friends and somewhere along the way I illuminate the error of his views and some lovely lady can benefit from this enlightenment in the future.  Look at that, changing minds,  changing lives right?!?

So I guess that’s it with France.  *Disappointment ensues*

And as usual, I was disappointed because things hadn’t worked out like I had fantasized as they would, at least a few months maybe a year of hot amazing sex that was only ever a couple blocks away and maybe a movie or a conversation or two.  Blargh.

The irony of the whole thing, which I kept to myself because I didn’t want him to think I was bitter and/or that he still stood a shot at getting one was that I had been totally preparing to give him the beej of his life, perhaps a few of them and that in actuality it was him not cashing in not my hesitance that kept him from getting the blowjobs he so desperately sought.  Irony, ain’t she a bitch.  But like I said, I kept this info to myself.  Unless he ever asks, because after all, I’m honest too.

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Victoria Young

Writer. Dater. Masturbator. Don't worry my parents don't think I'm funny either. Grad Student. My breasts aren't ashamed of me either. You and me kid, we're going to change this world.


  1. Danielle

    September 12, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Le Poo.

    Typical hot guy thats selfish in bed. Thinking that just gracing a girl with his presence is merely enough to invoke a ‘get on knees’ response.

    • SSDated

      October 5, 2012 at 3:42 pm

      Right?!?! Such a dick. lol.

  2. Burned

    September 17, 2012 at 5:39 am

    Ok, i’m kind of confused here. I’m not convinced you are really genuine about what you want with these guys.

    With France you seemed super keen, then you say you were just up for a bit of fun, but i’m not sure when that happened? Was it when he suggested his place for a 2nd date- pure class??

    It just seems like you are often accepting 2nd best from these guys. Even a fuck buddy should treat you with respect, and France definitely did not. A couple of lame texts does not count as quality man behaviour.

    Not only that, despite his lame actions, i think you would have been up for continuing to see him no matter how crap he was if he had been keen, and i don’t get that. It makes me think you don’t think you’re worth more, and i’m betting that you are, and certainly a whole lot more than just your sexuality.

    Did you write back to his text and explain what you thought of his shittery? (you should send him that edited and translated text back!).

    You comment that you were hoping for amazing sex for a year- but he never displayed any propensity for hot sex, except for being hot, and WTF good is that if he’s got no game?

    And why on earth would you want to be friends with this guy? He’s a jock moron who treated you fairly shitely. Delete and move on!

    If you let someone treat you badly early on, it gives them license to continue to do so, and unfortunately a lot of people will. I’ve done the same, been sympathetic to the myriad of excuses, keep hoping they will up their game if i give them the benefit of the doubt, but they never do. Walk away and onto someone fucking decent.

    • SSDated

      October 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

      Ok, let me try to answer this paragraph by paragraph…(sometimes I quote stuff…sometimes I just answer it right away…hope it’s not too confusing).

      Are you saying you think I wanted something other than what I conveyed? I don’t really know how to respond to this so let’s just press on…

      Can a girl not be super keen about having some fun? He’s a fitness trainer…and I’m in Grad School…let’s be real…there was never going to be anything more than some fun…and that’s exactly what I think we were both hoping for…I only became less keen on him because he turned out to be a total misogynist lol (and he didn’t suggest his place for a 2nd date…he came to my place…which was totally fine…so I’m not sure what you mean here).

      “It just seems like you are often accepting 2nd best from these guys. Even a fuck buddy should treat you with respect, and France definitely did not.” This is so true…to be honest I struggle a lot with what is “acceptable behavior” from someone who you’re not giving a lot of yourself to, only care about as a person and not a love interest, have nothing in common with, don’t want to invest a great deal of time in etc. It’s s struggle to find the balance (and this may be why most people don’t ever “just date”). That being said, the texting was mostly because of the language barrier, but even if it wasn’t, I was fine with it…we were never going to have long conversations about deep subjects.

      “Not only that, despite his lame actions, i think you would have been up for continuing to see him no matter how crap he was if he had been keen, and i don’t get that. It makes me think you don’t think you’re worth more, and i’m betting that you are, and certainly a whole lot more than just your sexuality.”
      So this is another one that’s hard to answer…it depends what you’re including in “his lame actions” because like I said, the texting wasn’t a problem for me…the misogyny much more so. If he had said, while we were getting it on that he only wanted me to get pleasure from him, I would’ve kicked him out immediately, regardless of his interest in me. So yeah…did that answer that? As for the thinking I’m worth more…of course I’m worth more…but you have to remember that there is a great deal of my life that never shows up on this blog. I am, indeed, more than my sexuality, but also part of knowing my worth is knowing that I have the right to choose what I want in my life and what sacrifices I’m willing to make on behalf of those things. Also, just the argument that I’m worth more is fairly idealistic…good people deserve good things but it doesn’t always happen for them. Life isn’t fair and we all have to decide what we’re willing to live with. And no I didn’t write back what I really thought of his misogynistic perspective, for two reasons: One, I didn’t think he’d really understand, and Two, it was effort I didn’t want to expend.

      “You comment that you were hoping for amazing sex for a year- but he never displayed any propensity for hot sex, except for being hot, and WTF good is that if he’s got no game?”
      This isn’t actually true…he was a good kisser, and the kissing and dry humping of date 2 and 3 was pretty great. The sex wasn’t mindblowing but it also wasn’t disappointing either and to be honest, I don’t know any guys who hit a grand slam the first time but he had more than enough potential to work with. Plus, again…hot fucking hot hot (and yes, that does matter in the sense that I was attracted to him).

      “And why on earth would you want to be friends with this guy? He’s a jock moron who treated you fairly shitely. Delete and move on!”
      On the one hand you’re totally right…on the other…as shitty as it makes me sound…living in a brand new city…it doesn’t hurt to have someone around who could help you out of a bind (read: carry heavy shit) if you so need it. Just Sayin’. Plus I treat boys I’m dating very different from friends so I’m always open to the possibility others do too 🙂

      Word. I think the biggest problem I have is thinking that guys just don’t know better…and I’ve got to stop that…but that’s a hard thing to do since since…er…so many of them seem so dumb lol.

  3. Ken

    September 20, 2012 at 3:14 am

    All I know is, I’m making T-shirts with “blowjob is more important then sex. And u not do it.”

    • SSDated

      October 5, 2012 at 3:43 pm

      Oh god Ken…I fucking love you, as always. If you that shirt, I’d do it. 😉

  4. Burned

    September 28, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    Ken! That made me laugh and laugh on a very non-laughy day. I want this T’Shirt!!! You could make a whole series…

  5. Burned

    October 7, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Wow, massive response. Lots of food for thought. And of course you’re right, lots doesn’t go in the blog, and i’m always in favour of a good story over, well, anything boring.

    I was probably putting alot of my own stuff in the previous comment. You know, my own stuff, about me. Because it’s all about me.

    Yes, from reading the blog i thought initially that you were keen on France for more than a shag. But i see now you weren’t, so that makes sense.

    I guess i too am/was guilty of thinking (some) guys just don’t know better. I get so annoyed that they don’t step up, but then think ‘why should they? nobody makes them’.

    From my own perspective, what i mean by ‘being worth more’ is really about how much i am willing to put up with just for a shag or something.

    This year i have made a conscious move away from random shagging because i was starting to feel like i wasn’t worth much else. However i can’t say it’s been much more rewarding. Still going on bad dates, just using The Rabbit more. On the other hand, it feels powerful to have developed a lack of interest in jerks.I am hoping my message to the universe about selflove will be heard by some woman-loving sex god with good values and a job!

    I don’t know if this made much sense, bit tired tonight. Thanks for the blog though, it’s fabulous!