Say FRIENDZONED Again. I Dare You.

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Say FRIENDZONED again.  I dare you.

Say it like it’s the worst thing that could ever happen to you, that I might open my heart and not my legs.

Say it like I owe you something, like this world took too much from you and I am a part of the repayment plan.

Put a value on my smile.

Assign my hips a scale.

Hug me, but only if you’re hiding a boner.

Say FRIENDZONED like a campaign slogan, hold the antagonism high above your head, an evil you’re working against.

Make sure you’re feeling elitist though, as if the impetus that tells you I’m worthless unless we’re fucking isn’t the same impetus of rapists.

Don’t rest your chair so high.  The pants you wear are a common size.

Say it to my face so I hear it.  So I get to see who you really are.

Say I already have enough friends only minutes after cooing compliments in my ear.

Say I really want you.  I think you’re amazing.  A real cool chick.  I want to put my face in your lap for hours.

Say But it’s whatever you want, I’m cool if we’re just friends.  We can just write jokes together and hang out.  No pressure.  I want you, but it’s cool if we’re just friends.

And then I say the words.  I think we should just be friends, for now.  I don’t have to add the for now, you don’t own my heart and my desire and my future.  But I say it anyway because in this one scenario, this one time, there is possibility.  You came back into my life after being away for too long and I just need a fucking minute to acclimate.  So I say the words you offer, as a pause point, a breather I need to take.

No sooner are the words off my lips then you’re chugging back your beer and holding out a twenty thinking it chivalrous to shuffle me home in a cab.  I have enough friends you spit like an accusation.  You are not a gentleman, you are a monster.

Call the next day to apologize.  Call everyday for a week.  Never leave a message.  Text to ask if I’ll only just listen to your apology, hear the pain in your voice.  It doesn’t much matter now, I have seen who you are.

So go ahead and say it.  FRIENDZONED.  (as I slide all your options off the table)

Weddings: It’s Okay to Just Say No

 

[dropcap]The [/dropcap]invitation arrives in the mail.  You’re invited…to celebrate…the union of Johnny Jackass and Tina Still Owes You $50 from that vacation in Cabo.  You’re filled with dread.  Maybe it’s from your roommate in college.  Maybe it’s from a party friend, someone you like to hit the clubs with but rarely call when you can’t contain your tears.  Maybe it’s from your best friend.  The truth is, it doesn’t matter who it’s from, if it fills you with dread you should decline.  Busy, sorry, all the best.

This isn’t the hard decision or complex dilemma that people make it out to be.  If you’re not thrilled for someone, beaming to the brim with joy, and excited to be present for one of the most important moments of their life, then you shouldn’t be going to it.  And, if we’re being honest, they wouldn’t want you to go anyway.

I know we’ve all heard the moaning, the complaining, the detestation many people seem to have for weddings but that’s because these people keep going to them when they shouldn’t.

If a bride-to-be asks you to be the bridesmaid or maid-of-honour and you’re not thrilled, just say no.  It’s okay to say no.  It’s okay to politely decline.  Feel free to be self-deprecating if that helps, I can’t possibly, too busy, wouldn’t want to drop the ball on duties, not good at planning parties, etc.

What is not okay to do, though so many do it, is to say yes sure, why not and then spend the next year shit talking your friend only to use the bridesmaids dress as a sled come winter, or burn it in some insane bitchy ritual.  Also not okay is accepting the role and then weeks before a wedding bailing out.  [note:  I did this once, while I still gave months of advance notice, we had already had the dresses ordered.  So I did what any decent person would do, I paid for the dress anyway and later sold it on ebay].

But it’s rude to decline.  No, it’s not

But my friend will hate me.  Sure, there might be some awkwardness but if you explain it like a grownup, the awkwardness will pass and the friendship will be salvageable (if you want it to be) and if you want the friendship to end, it does so kindly, mildly, on good terms.

But it’s mean to say no.  Totally incorrect.  What’s mean is acting like a huge asshole for a year while your friend tries to plan their wedding, faking your way through the ceremony, getting shitfaced at their expense, and then months later when your friend finally finds out what a cow you’ve been behind her back – she’ll have your face forever attached to all her wedding photos, a lifetime reminder of her bad decision making and your noodle of a spine.  Now that’s mean.

People often get confused about what “being nice” is really all about and I think many weddings have been ruined (or at least friendships have) because of it.  Now, I’m not saying you have to blurt out I’M NOT HAPPY YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED BECAUSE I’M JEALOUS AND YOU’RE DEFINITELY GOING TO GET DIVORCED when you’re invited to be in or attend the ceremony.  If you’re not super close, count yourself lucky because your response can be via email, phone, or mail (by whatever method you were invited).  If you are close though, you’ll probably have to come up with a good reason.  It’s up to you whether you want to truth it or white lie your way out of the situation (just don’t make it into a bigger deal).  Whichever way you decide to go, if you want the friendship to remain in tact, say so, at the end of the conversation, make it clear that you’re happy for that but simply can’t fulfill the duty they want.  Make it clear that you care for them.  The person will either act like a grown up and all will be good or they’ll act like an asshole and then feel free to send them to me, I’ll set them straight.

Finally, be honest with yourself, if you’re not really friends with a person, this may be the perfect opportunity to go your separate ways (BEFORE THE WEDDING THOUGH!).

How do you say no to being a bridesmaid?  Just say no.

How do you decline a wedding invitation?  Just say no.

 

Catching You Up, or Girls Do It Better

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[dropcap]It seems [/dropcap]to always be like this.  After having not written for awhile.  I get stumped.  And not because I have nothing to say.  But the complete opposite, in fact.  I have too much to say.  Months of stuff to say.  Because though I’ve written a post or two since then.  I still have stuff to tell you.  From December, and January, and Febraury, and March, and April.  Things like…

how I went on a date once. Something like 8 years in the making.  And it was amazing.  There was laughter.  And tears.  Princess crowns and sex chatter.  See the thing is.  I’d been waiting to meet this chick.  For ages.  We’d been in contact since before there was a Mega Love.  Since before there was Facebook and Twitter, way back before there was MySpace and Fotki, way back in the days of Blackplanet.  And so over Christmas break, I went to visit her.  Drove hours and hours for a date.  And it was amazing.  Because afterall, girls do it better.

I thought I might need a pass to her heart.  Turns out I just needed one to get onto the base.  Are you Hispanic, the desk clerk asked.  Like that was somehow relevant.  Are you allowed to ask me that, is that even legal?  Shit like that doesn’t happen in Canada I said.  No I’m not, I told her.  And I thought dating was bad, I stood there in judgment, of a country that holds borders like desperation.

But alas, they let me in.  McChord Airforce Base.  Turns out I’m not quite the criminal/trouble maker I like to think myself.  So off we went on our date.  Met the kids.  Met the hubs.  And that’s when it happened.  I knew it was meant to be.  Real true love shit.  Perfect first date magic.  Signifying of soul mate connection.  She asked if I wanted something to drink.  And then offered me a Diet Coke.  That she had bought.  A whole pack.  Extra special.  Just for me.  In preparation of my arrival.  Because she had listened.  To all those dates before.  All those before.  All those “somethings” before.  And she knew what I wanted.  A crisp.  Sparkly.  Diet Coke.  Weather Girl hit it out of the park.  😉  And then suddenly our date was a threesome.  And the hilarity continued.  Dinner and cupcakes.  Boy chatter and reminiscing.  Babies and kidlets.  Love.  Love.  Love.  And that’s why girls do it better.  Because after I left.  I knew.  Exactly where I stood with everybody. And they with me.  Weather Girl.  Jenny Hustle.  Together something like awesome.  On a girl-date something like a lasting friendship.

And for those on Facebook.  Well MY facebook I mean.  The best part are the pictures.  Me in my princess crown.  EVERYBODY doing my signature pose.  And then of course the tagline.  Wondering if there would be any trouble getting me on the base.  Weather Girl asked the hubs.  And his answer.  I don’t know…I’ve never smuggled a foreigner on post before. Awesome.

Vancouver Dating Blog:  Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time