How I Changed the Mind of a Sexist Jerk on OKCupid

From Sexist to Empathetic in 12 Messages

There is no shortage of men saying wildly inappropriate things to me online*. When I can thinking of something funny to say back, these men usually end up as a part of (or the butt of) the joke on my Instagram. Most of the time though, it’s just a heavy burden to bear. The burden of these men and the way they speak to me (the way I assume they speak to all women, or at least all fat women). These men, who are your friends, your brothers, your future boyfriends, say terrible things and sometimes not that bad things and a lot of the time only-sort-of-bad-mostly-just-lame-things to me and most of the time nothing comes of it.

Which is why I can’t help but celebrate the few times I change someone’s mind. Because isn’t that really why I allow men to sharpen their knives upon my bones, the chance that I might make the world a better place and find some joy in this misery? Or, something more optimistic but less cool sounding.

And thus, I give you, a conversation I had recently on OKCupid, in which I changed a man’s perspective (with commentary).

*women are not obligated to educate you on feminism (that’s what google is for)
*women don’t owe you anything (not their time, not their manners, not their knowledge)
*for examples on why this might be try googling #byefelipe or searching it on instagram

He Said, She Said

It started out much like it always does. Man laughs at a joke written by another and assumes he himself must be hysterical. Calamity and lack of empathy ensue.

For context: my OKCupid profile is really just a list of jokes I’ve written

OKCupid first message

 

Sweet jesus. Did this dude actually just message me to say he wasn’t sure if my (brilliant) jokes are hilarious or just my sweet tits (tits being the least gross way I can characterize what he actually said)? The answer is yes. Yes he did. Even crazier is the fact that he thought this would go over well with me. Like who doesn’t enjoy a little bit of casual demeaning to start off any romantic relationship, amirite.

 

OKCupid first message

 

Ah yes, the age old “I’m not unfunny, you’re just uptight” defence (not uncommonly used by unfunny men everywhere). Followed almost immediately by the “you must have issues with your body because it’s not like me, a stranger, talking about it in a totally gross and offensive way could be at all bothersome.” This dude was on a roll, picking up speed while hitting all the bullshit ways in which terrible men gaslight women into thinking they’re crazy or too-sensitive or don’t deserve even the most basic amount of respect. You know, the kind of guy who says “I don’t take this seriously,” as if you can shirk the responsibility of treating strangers like shit simply by maintaining a lackadaisical attitude (here’s looking at you trolls).

 

OKCupid first message

 

The link I messaged him was to this tweet:


And just like that the tides were turning. Or, so I thought. I mean, he’d realized that perhaps his joke wasn’t quite the Seinfeld-esque banter he’d originally thought but did he really get “it”? Did he really get that it wasn’t simply a case of a joke falling flat but an entire flawed ideology about the treatment of women?

 

OKCupid first message

 

Ah, the age old “no one else has complained” defence. So many excuses, so little time, amirite?!? The truth is that he didn’t get it–not really, not yet. And so, I tried to explain it to him. I tried to explain without sounding bitter and jaded (because no one listens to you if you’re angry or bitter *eye roll so hard I pull a muscle*), about the ways in which women might have chosen/been forced by social pressures to absorb everything from the violent tedium to the violent fists of men (all in a real quick OKCupid message). Keep it light babe, keep it light.

 

OKCupid messages

 

And he got it. MY GOD HE GOT IT. But I wasn’t done. I wanted to add one final note about how maybe he could help with this thing we’re trying to do (ya know, be viewed as human and valuable and stuff).

 

sexist

 

And shit, I mean he really got it. He even understood the thing I’m always trying to tell all the guys who think they’re not “that guy” which is that you’re probably “that guy”. And you’re definitely “that guy” if you don’t think about how your behaviour affects others. Especially online because online is where people have the least amount of protection from the public and accountability from perpetrators. So please, the next time you send a message, or speak to someone, or think you’re absolutely above harming anyone–stop and think. Slip your feet into some empathy and try it on for size.

And if you’ve ever acted like this guy, do better. Be better.

And tell your friends because women are tired of carrying the burden.

93 Reasons I Don’t Want to Have Sex with You

sex

You should just be able to say, “No” to things and be taken at your word. You should. You should. You should. But, for reasons unbeknownst to me, men never seem to take me at my word. Sometimes life feels like a series of men saying, “Come on,” in varying degrees- of-pressured scenarios. They say, “Come on,” as if they completely lacked empathy for me the desire to have sex with someone is an isolated impulse (spoiler alert: it’s not). Feelings and desires do not stand alone. They are webbed and sticky–intricately linked to everything that affects us (and jesus, are we affected). And though I would never suggest a woman should feel the need to explain or justify why she might not want to have sex with someone at any given moment, I do think that one of the many ways we can implore empathy in/from people is to share our motivations with them–to let them understand us better. And thus, I offer this small list of 93 possible reasons I might have for not wanting to have sex with someone*.

*Please note: this list isn’t even remotely close to exhaustive of my own personal reasons or those of other women, nor are any of the reasons mutually exclusive.

 

 

93 Reasons for Not Wanting to Have Sex with You

  1. This is a first date and I’m not ready
  2. I didn’t shave my legs
  3. I have my period
  4. I’m going to be getting my period any minute now
  5. I think my period is over but not over-enough
  6. I’m not wearing the right underwear
  7. I’m wearing my tights up to my bra like DIY Spanx (and look like the Penguin from Batman)
  8. My vagina isn’t waxed
  9. There was a waxing incident
  10. I don’t wax and don’t want to find out whether or not that’s a thing you have a problem with tonight
  11. I have an ingrown hair and it looks weird and I don’t want you to see it
  12. The sheets on my bed aren’t clean
  13. My tits are saggy
  14. My belly is floppy
  15. I’ve lost a lot of weight and I’m worried you’ll think I’m gross
  16. You’ve mentioned (several times) how big my boobs are
  17. My boobs feel too small
  18. I’m concerned you don’t know how bras work
  19. I have stretch marks everywhere and I don’t know yet know whether you’re a human being or a monster
  20. I’ve momentarily forgotten that I’m beautiful
  21. All I want right now is for someone to want to hold my hand
  22. You keep saying how sexy I am but I want to fuck someone who thinks I’m funny
  23. I just want to enjoy a first date kiss without having to be the pace car
  24. I just want to make-out on the couch and have it not go further
  25. I want to enjoy all the different bases
  26. You’re a stranger
  27. You just told me that you’re in a relationship
  28. You’ve dated someone I care about (and I don’t care enough about you to ruin that)
  29. I’m worried I might be getting a yeast infection
  30. Could it be a UTI? (what does a UTI feel like?)
  31. I think my PH is unbalanced
  32. I think my life is unbalanced
  33. I think you might be unbalanced
  34. I ate too much and feel bloated
  35. I haven’t eaten in hours just so that I could feel/pretend that I was even just a little bit thinner for our date tonight and (without admitting that that was a terrible idea) now all I want to do is get some Burger King and take off my bra (alone)
  36. You’re a terrible kisser
  37. You’re an okay kisser, and I’m not sure if being adequate is sufficient
  38. I’m worried you suck at kissing because you don’t like me enough to pay attention to what we’re doing
  39. I’m worried you will judge me for the rate at which I fuck
  40. You said you don’t like to go down on women (which makes me think you don’t like women’s bodies—which makes me think you won’t be okay with all my flaws and imperfections—which makes me think fucking you would be a terrible idea)
  41. I don’t think you could/would be willing to make me cum
  42. I don’t think my orgasm/pleasure is important to you
  43. We just met tonight
  44. We’ve only known each other for a few weeks
  45. We’ve been friends for 10 years
  46. We dated once or twice but then things faded because I moved away and now you’re in town and want to put it back together but it feels so rushed and I need a moment to readjust to you being back in my life
  47. We’ve loved each other so intensely and for so many years and it didn’t work out and now sometimes we make love and sometimes we fuck but I’m also dating other people and tonight there isn’t room enough in my heart for everybody and it’s too hard to concentrate on staying in the moment
  48. Your roommate is home and can hear us/I can hear them and it’s weirding me out
  49. I am more interested in your roommate
  50. I’m worried I’ve fucked too many ordinary men for insufficient reasons
  51. You’ve been acting distant since the last time we hung out
  52. You’ve been acting different since the last time we hung out
  53. I want someone who is certain they want me and you seem uncertain
  54. Tonight, I don’t want casual sex
  55. I need a pedicure
  56. I have a scar I don’t want you to see yet
  57. I have a mark I don’t want you to see yet
  58. I have a flaw I don’t want you to see yet
  59. I don’t trust you not to judge me
  60. I like someone else more
  61. I like someone else the same amount
  62. Dating is complicated and things get hard and I need a minute to think
  63. I just lost my job
  64. I feel sad
  65. I feel alone
  66. I feel unsafe
  67. I feel pressured
  68. I feel guilty
  69. I feel like a goddamn disappointment to everyone I’ve ever met
  70. I forgot to reapply for interest free status on my student loan and the idea of all that debt crushing me is making it hard to breathe
  71. I don’t know if you see me as a complete person
  72. I don’t know if you like me
  73. I don’t know if you like me enough
  74. I don’t know if I like you enough
  75. I’m not sure what enough is when enough is always moving around and changing on me (today’s enough is not always tomorrow’s enough)
  76. I don’t want to open all the presents at once
  77. The last guy I had sex with treated me terribly
  78. So many men that I’ve had sex with have treated me not so great at some point (often after having had sex with them and having been given no visible signs that they would treat me not so great prior to said sex and/or treatment)
  79. I had a fight with [my mom, my friend, my dentist] this afternoon
  80. A guy on the internet was shitty to me today
  81. So many men on the internet were shitty and disgusting to me today
  82. I’ve been reading too many (what is the right amount?) articles about rape and rape culture and everything that is bad in the world and now I can’t stop folding inward like an origami black hole
  83. You complimented me by insulting other women
  84. You said something slut-shamey
  85. Your bed doesn’t look sturdy enough for the both of us
  86. We have mutual friends and that makes a casual hookup with you uncomfortable
  87. I’m sweating a lot (why is it so hot in here?!?)
  88. I’m feeling really self-conscious about my body and don’t trust you not to destroy me
  89. I’m feeling fantastic about my body and don’t feel like you’re worthy of it
  90. I’m feeling some kind of way about my body and don’t feel comfortable enough with you to let you in
  91. I’m attracted to you but not turned on
  92. I’m not sure if I’m attracted to you
  93. I feel pressure to have sex with you and that’s ruining it for me

 

And the one that sums it all up, because all of these are just varying degrees of the exact same thing, which is

  1. I JUST DON’T FUCKING WANT TO RIGHT NOW

How to Talk to Women Online

The trick is to talk to her as if she is a human being. Do not talk about your penis.

Speak to her as if she exists in the real world because this is, in fact, all happening in the real world. The internet is not magic, and you are no wizard. You are no one other than yourself (and honestly, yourself needs to be doing a better job). Treat her like a human being the first time.

If there’s one thing I hear way too much on the internet—aside from “nice tits” and “I bet you’re great at sucking dick”—It’s the standard apology followed by, “I’m actually a really [insert unsubstantiated, unlikely, positive attribute: nice, smart, great, funny] guy, my [minimization of substandard and gross behavior] to the contrary. But I’m here to let you know that this is not true. You are not the person you wish yourself to be on the internet; you are exactly the person you have revealed yourself as. You are not your intentions but instead your actions, the horrible garbage monster you’ve been acting like until you aren’t anymore (you can change right now…or now…still now…yup now too…honestly at any moment you could change your whole way of being and just stop treating people terribly and being ridiculous and boring and predictable and detestable. I promise). So, if you’re writing things like “DTF?” in a first message or “I want to bury myself in your body” (yes, these are super real examples), please know that that is genuinely who you are. You are not a child testing the waters, you are grown up making people uncomfortable because of how little empathy (and respect, and social awareness, etc.) you have.

I wish my advice could be as simple as “just be yourself” but apparently that’s what many men have been doing and frankly it’s not working out so great for anybody involved. So instead, my advice is to be better than your current self. I don’t know who to blame for the way you to speak to women, for the way you’ve confused harassment for honesty and the unsubstantiated sense of self-worth for quality but it has to stop.

[sidenote: if you’re a man who approaches and speaks to women in a kind and intelligent manner, well, this article obviously isn’t directed at you, but then of course you already know that.]

Do not talk about your penis. From the very first moment you noticed this cucumber of an appendage, you have loved it. It has been your best friend, your most cherished possession, and at times your greatest accomplishment. But this is an illusion. No woman will ever love your penis the way you do. Your penis is more boring than a sober academic. Not my penis! I can hear you shouting. Yes. Your penis. It’s boring and tedious and, if I’m being honest, your penis is exactly like my apartment in that we all wish it was bigger. Unless your dick is more like my student loan debt inasmuch as there’s always just way, way too much. Jokes aside, given the data on the female orgasm—something like 75% of women never reach orgasm through penetration alone, 10-15% never reach orgasm at all (omg ladies I’m so sorry!), leaving only 10-15% who have the potential to get off straight from the D (though to be clear that’s just the possibility, it might not be every time and/or with every D)—So like what are we even talking about here? How illogical do you have to be (or how totally unaware of the realities of sex) to think your dick matters? Dicks are basically worthless (not to be confused with men being worthless because obviously not). What I’m saying is that men need to stop buying into the hype that your dick is the part of you that matters. It’s only a tiny part of you, and honestly, I’d rather hear about your degree in Journalism, or your passion project, or your relationship with great Aunt Susan, or what you ate for breakfast (which should tell you a lot because I’m guessing your morning meal is pretty fucking boring).

But if not straight up dick talk, what can I say to interest her?

Interesting people are usually curious, so ask her about her life and then when she asks about yours, go ahead and tell her. Listen when she talks, act as if she may have experienced something of value or even that her very experiencing of something may have given it value. Be empathetic and kind. Don’t talk about your penis.

Try to find a common interest. Does she like wizard jokes? Does she collect Labyrinth memorabilia? Is she crushing a fantasy football league with her team “The Bad Reviews Bears”? Ask her. Have you asked her? Fucking ask her! Once you discover something in common, run with it. Even if it’s something as silly as you both like to attend Kraft Singles events (which I’ve heard are very cheesy). Turn that common thread into a conversational sweater and knit something warm together. Don’t talk about your dick.

When she asks you about yourself, be honest and self-aware (you don’t need to be your own hype man, your actions and accomplishments will speak for themselves). If, when you attend parties, people don’t congregate around you in an orbital bliss of laughter—do not claim you have an amazing sense of humor (your sense of humor is average, which isn’t amazing but it’s fine, I’m sure you have something else going for you, I mean don’t sweat it).  Don’t say things like “I’m young at heart” or “I don’t look my age” because your heart has been slowly dying since the day you were born and honey, in regards to your age, if you have to say it—you aren’t it.  You know why babies never get up in your face to tell you how youthful they are?  Because their shit filled diapers and chubby cheeks do that for them.  The same rules apply for your face.  Also, those pleated khakis already gave you away. Stop giving yourself medals for kindness (to be totally honest, we’re all varying degrees of asshole and the only thing that makes that tolerable is our ability to admit it, so rather than pretending you’re the King of Benevolence because one time you didn’t act like a total psycho when someone rejected your advances, maybe just be real about who you are). You know that cliché saying “nice guys finish last”? It’s not true at all. Nice guys finish first all the time, people fucking love those guys. Entitled jerks who lack self-awareness finish last though (those dudes are the fucking worst amirite? Yuck!).

Now, I know what you may be thinking: How on earth am I going to let her know that I’m sexually attracted to her.

If you’re contacting her on any website or app that is sex/dating related, just assume she already knows this. No one who isn’t completely ridiculous is trying to make friends over on Plenty of Fish or Tinder (and if, by some stretch of the imagination, that did happen, those people usually say it right off the bat). Men often complain (to me—why do they keep thinking I care about their gripes? Like I’m some kind of wish fountain for subpar strangers?) that women on apps like Tinder are all just looking for friends, but I’m going to keep it real with you. While that’s obviously a possibility (anything is possible, I mean we live in a world where men think saying “nice tits” might actually get them somewhere), it’s unlikely. What’s more likely is that there was a possibility of attraction (again my god! this world is so full of possibilities!! Ahhh the excitement!!) that said dude then completely smashed to bits by being unimpressive (at best) or offensive/misogynistic (at worst). So like I said, if you’re having a nice conversation with a woman online, know that she knows you’re attracted (or that it’s at least in the realm of possibilities). Save the “nice tits” talk for when you’ve managed to see them for the first time. Because that’s the thing about sexual comments, context is key. A stranger talking about your body online is creepy as fuck, a man talking about your body the first time you show it to him is delicious.

This may come as a surprise but you don’t have to dehumanize a woman to have casual sex with her (in fact, if you were any good at sex you’d likely already know that the best sex happens when people feel comfortable and relaxed enough to really be themselves and, for lack of a better phrase, let it all hang out). Also, please don’t confuse a woman wanting to have casual sex with the idea that a woman who wants casual sex will definitely want to have it with you. I love casual sex (Big Fan! Huge!) but I have to be attracted/interested in having it with someone. It’s not just a first-cum scenario. You have to be brilliant and hilarious and interesting and kind and socially/self-aware, it’s a whole fucking thing.

That said, if you’re contacting a woman on ANY other website/app, well I mean you probably shouldn’t be trying to get at her in a sexual way. I mean, would you show up at your doctor’s house for a prostate exam? No, so why would you approach a woman via Twitter where she’s trying to make a name for herself writing jokes or promoting her new startup in a sexual way? If your interest lies in her as a person than talk to her like a human being. Honestly, you could just support whatever she’s doing because it’s amazing and interests you, and you could just never impose any other desires or expectations on her, ever. I mean, you can really do that, speak to women for no other purpose than they’re doing creative and brilliant things that you find interesting. It’s okay to just support and value someone. It’s okay to just be a human being with empathy.

He Offers Me Nothing

balloons

*

He says, “All due respect but those boobs,” then a hearts-for-eyes-smiley-face, and then two hands clapping.

He says, “Older women help me fulfill my total potential.”

When I am offended, he says, “Well, it’s just the facts, you are older.”

I read it with violent intonation.  I read it like it’s new information.

You ARE older.  YOU are older.  You are OLDER.

He waits for a response not knowing that I am already bored with this, doesn’t understand that I am turned off by his selfishness; he has never even thought to ask himself what it is that he offers me, them, us.

It is nothing.  He offers me nothing.  He is without an offering.

Why am I always expected to provide, to be something, to give of my body and my mind.  Smile for them.  Make them laugh.  Show them your body.  Give them everything they want.  Be kind.  Be pleasant.  Be a thing worthy of their idiotic conversation, their tedious ill-thought out plan.

Have they even considered that they are unloveable, unlikeable?

Why is being alive enough?  Why is existing and being attractive a thing?  Why are the numbers of people who cannot think a thing through so large?

I know there is a bitterness spreading in me, growing slowly, insidious, like ivy on my heart.  I’m thinking about learning math instead of men.  I’m thinking I could be happy without kissing if I had something interesting to turn to.  I wonder if I could write jokes about numbers.  I wonder if I could turn this bitterness into a formula.

I’m thinking thinking thinking why does no one ever worry about my full potential?

Relax, It’s Just Dating

It's Just Dating

The reason I have to ask every guy I talk with online, “so, what are you looking for on here?” is because most people are incredibly stupid dating websites make things incredibly difficult.  In some areas, they offer too much specificity, in other areas, not nearly enough.  For example, I’m still waiting for Plenty of Fish to get back to me about what exactly the difference is between these dating intents.


FYI, there is no difference.  These two things mean the same thing and whatever distinction could be made between the two is so complex and intricate that it could only be clarified with further discussion between the two people involved.  So, honestly, what are you even doing Plenty of Fish??

And yet, as hard as I am on Plenty of Fish, I understand the impetus.  Because most people are ridiculous haven’t put much thought into this, they have a ridiculous understanding of what dating is.  And that’s where I come in, to break it down, real quick.

Why do we demand specificity from water (lake, ocean, sea, river, stream, brook, rapids, waterfall, rain, snow, sleet, hail, etc.) and yet expect the word “Dating” to encompass everything (and by doing so, use it incorrectly).

Dating does not signify commitment.  That’s what words like “relationship” and “boyfriend/girlfriend” and “significant other” and well, to restate the obvious, “committed” are for.

Dating is not sex.  Don’t make me have a correlation/causation discussion with you folks.  While they’re not mutually exclusive, they’re also not mutually inclusive.  You can have dating without sex.  You can have sex without dating.  If you’re just speaking about sex, use your words timmy.  This is when words like “casual sex” and “no strings attached” and “booty call” and “fuck buddy” and “random” and “strange” and “one night stand” or “hook up” should be used.

Dating is not friendship.  You could make the argument that friendship can form out of dating or that two friends could go on a date but the difference is essentially attraction and intent.  So if you’re looking for a pool-shooting-buddy, be clear.  You’re looking for a friend.  If you’re looking for a pool-shooting-buddy that’ll feel you up against the felt?  Well shit.  That’s dating.

And I know some of you might be sitting there reading this thinking why does it matter?  Let me tell you.  So so so so so so much of the hassle and irritation and fucking mind boggling rage surrounding Sex, Dating, Relationships and anything in between is caused by misinterpretations, misunderstandings or any other way to say getting-shit-wrong.  If we can eliminate the confusion, if we can eliminate even just the tiniest bit of the frustration involved, then I’m one step closer to making the world a happier, healthier, more realistic and logical, yet awesome and amazing place.

So the next time a woman says “this guy I’m dating” don’t go putting all your assumptions on her.  Either ask.  Or assume the very minimum that the word entails.  She has gone on a date with a guy.  She has gone on more than one date with a guy.  She expects she might go on a date with a guy again.  There is no reference to commitment   There is no reference to sex.  There is no mention of buddies.  Take her at her word (literally the one she used) and not one that is about to buckle under all the cultural bullshit pulled up on it.

Because the thing is, no one freaks out when I say that I’m running.  They assume it means that I like to run, that I will go running, that I might be running at that exact moment.  No sane person assumes anything else about my running based on my statement.  I say, “I like running,” and they say, “great”.  No one makes me clarify if this is a lifelong pursuit, if I will ever stop running, if I am willing to run with one or several other people. Dating (and most other words) should be treated the same.

And fyi, daters.  It’s pretty pathetic when a person is so terrified of the world as to be afraid to make the claim that she/he is looking for dating and quite frankly, it’s embarrassing every time I have to explain it to one of you that, in fact, you are not looking for “friendship and let’s just see what happens”, you are looking for dating.  Quit being such a fucking baby.

Little Deaths

Little Deaths

He cums and you don’t.  But it feels good when he’s kissing you, and you want him and he wants you and it’s this thing you both want.  But then he cums and you don’t.  And maybe it doesn’t bother you right away, not at first.  Because it was hot, the fact that you made him cum (though later you’ll find out he cums for other girls and porn and a bottle of lotion and the idea of almost any girl ever eating a banana slowly).  And so it turns out you’re less of a wizard than a receptacle and isn’t that just the grossest way you’ve ever thought about your vagina and your body.  You don’t want to be a receptacle.  And maybe you’d feel less like one if he was bothered by the fact that you didn’t cum.

I hear you say the sex was great, the sex is amazing.

Do you cum every time I ask and you pause.

Well, no.

Then what the fuck are you talking about, trying to convince me that just smelling a cheeseburger is enough to make you feel full for the week and you don’t even seen the insanity of it.

And maybe I could get on board with the whole it’s the journey not the destination (relax, I said maybe).  Except he’s always cumming.  He’s cumming everytime.  And there’s all these excuses like it’s harder for women and we’re more complex and you’re goddamn right it is and all the more reason to pay extra attention to it.  Because at what point are we just saying that we love watching a man eat steak while we only ever get to think about how great it would taste.

They used to call orgasms “little deaths” which didn’t make that much sense to me, masturbating to my imagination’s content as a teenager.

But every time I hear girls talk about sex like their orgasms don’t matter I die a little inside.  So I kind of get it now.

Dating a Dating Blogger: The Butterfly Effect

Panda Ponders

Welp.  I’m dating again.

Grad School is over.  Teaching and marking are done, grades have been submitted.  Summer is here, and I have just under 3 months to enjoy absolutely everything Montreal has to offer before my lease runs out and I return (temporarily) to Vancouver.

And before you close the tab on this post because you can’t stand to read another article where I’m frustrated and bitter and jaded about the state of men who are interested in me, that’s not what this post is going to be like.  In fact, it’s probably the absolute opposite.  Or, at least it would be except for one small but crucial element.

More than ever before, I’m worried about altering the trajectory of the dating in my life (see:  butterfly effect).

I should explain.

I used to keep the blog, my Twitter, and my Facebook hidden from the men I dated.

Then there was a period where I felt like my identity was really wrapped up in the blog (turns out it wasn’t the blog as much as being a writer) but either way, I wanted them to know me and to do so they had to know about the blog.  Not to mention I’m basically the world’s worst liar so if a guy asks what I write, I have a problem telling him I write travelogues for nomads (though that sounds kind of fun…no?).

Then the last few months happened (where in all honesty, I have gotten really bitter) and so I started putting my Twitter handle on my Tinder profile.  Wait.  Let me explain the logic of that because I swear there was some.  It started out because I thought that maybe (cringe for my gross ego) if men knew that I was even slightly funny and/or maybe interesting then they’d stop boring me with talk about their stupid penises and maybe try to have a conversation with me.

Then, it became about… welp if they won’t have a conversation with me because I might be awesome, maybe they’ll just be less offensive because I might make fun of them on a public platform.

For the majority of men, I doubt they even read my “profile” aka that otherwise unexplored space below a picture of me.  For reference, it currently says:

Is this app only for hooking up?

Are you trying to bore my vagina into submission?

Are you bothered that Subway lies about inches?

Twitter: @SSDated

 

That being said there have been a few cool guys who managed to check it out.  Well, technically, many guys could have read it and just thought I was the dumbest, but only a few guys have mentioned anything that wasn’t related to their cocks, so I’m making an educated guess here.

 

Now, why does this all suddenly weigh so heavily on me?

 

Because I went out with a guy.  He first contacted me through Plenty of Fish but in the time it took for me to be done with school, we had matched on Tinder.  And thus, he was exposed to my Twitter and this here blog.  And before you worry that I’m going to tear this poor guy apart on the internet and that that’s my big concern…

A.  Do I ever tear anyone apart who hasn’t been a total fucking d-bag to me?  (hint: no)

B.  Spoiler Alert:  he hasn’t been a d-bag to me

C.  Whether it’s good or bad or funny or weird or swoony and amazing, dating is a fickle bitch.  And while he’s probably too busy right now to even concern himself with reading my blog, I know he’s read posts before and possibly will again and I just don’t like the idea that something I say here could affect whatever we have going on.  Not to mention how sticky things could get if I start adding in some new characters, if you know what I mean (I just mean dating other guys, in case you didn’t feel like that was heavy handed enough).

And before you say that it’s not that serious, not that big of a deal.  I know from personal experience that it kind of is.  For those of you who have been around here long enough to remember The Vampire, that all fell to shit and I basically never heard from him after he found out I wrote about dating.  And while other guys have been more understanding…that’s not entirely the point.

After all, even at my most casual, even with a booty call, even when I couldn’t possibly have made any claim on a guy’s time or his dick, I still would’ve been upset, felt a little jilted, and honestly been kind of turned off if I had to read about a dude I’m with (however loosely) banging other chicks.  I always know, when dating, that these things are a potential reality but just like calories, I like to pretend they don’t exist.

So, are you with me so far?  Does this all make sense?  How I don’t want to fuck up my life (read: possible best summer ever!) by dropping a rock in the calm lake waters causing a ripple effect with the potential of a tsunami?  Okay, good.  But now what?

What do I do, about the website?  (which, in a bizarre side note has managed to have the highest readership I’ve ever had, even though I haven’t been posting much because of school).

Do I blog about everything anyway and hope it doesn’t change the course of whatever happens with any of the guys I go out with?  Do I write the posts now but save the posting until August?  Do I save it all and finally write that ebook that I’ve been meaning to and just release it all at once and make some money from the stories (which feels presumptuous and greedy but a girl has to eat, after all someone has to pay back this student loan to the government)?

And as a side note, if your suggestion is anything other than the first option…does that make for a summer of posting about what…feminism?  my personal weightloss?  body issues?  non-male-specific-sex-posts?  poetry?  shitty fiction?  ugh.

This Has Been a Big MisTINDERstanding!

Tinder

 

*Disclaimer:  there are lots of amazing, intelligent, enlightened, fantastic men out there (Unfortunately, for me, I’m related to most of the ones I know).  But seriously, I always hope that when I write these ranty bits that men who are awesome are just like phew! I’m awesome! (but are also a little embarrassed about humanity, as I am).

I have to admit that Tinder has me stumped.  I heard this rumor that it was a dating app, however, all evidence has been to the contrary — showing me that meh it’s probably not.  That being said, I still don’t really believe it’s a hook-up app…

Because I can’t believe anyone would have sex with the majority of these dudes!

And before you think I’m some awful judgmental bitch (I mean I probably am, but not for this), I should mention that it has nothing to do with looks.  The men who match and contact me are all mostly of one type — the absolute fucking dumbest.  This, in turn, brings up a greater issue, which is–why aren’t men more ashamed of themselves and embarrassed to be stupid and boring? (but we’ll deal with this one another time).

And while I understand the whole impetus to say bullshit nonsense like boys will be boys and dudes just want to get their dicks wet um is that really all we’re capable of a species?  I don’t understand why the world expects me to be pretty, and fit, and sexy, and smart, don’t forget funny, and interesting, kind and considerate, a real cutie pie, to smile all the time, except when I’m crying over a man obviously, gracious, empathetic, and great at all things sex related…but dudes can just be pieces of shit and no one seems to care because cock and balls and stuff.

The one upside to Tinder, so far, has been the ego boost.  For those of you who sometimes doubt your own attractiveness, Tinder may just be the thing you need.  Even while being selective (at least I think I am, I guess I’d need to sit side by side someone else making the same observations to know if I find men, on the whole, too attractive but generally speaking I’m probably swiping right for about 1 in every 20-40 guys), and with that being said I still managed to find myself somewhere around 700 matches.  Now, don’t get too excited…of those 700 matches, I probably get a message from maybe 50% (the other 50% I’m assuming were either drunk when they swiped, or didn’t realize I was as chubby as I am till they saw the other pictures).  Nonetheless, and maybe you guys are all getting way more matches or something but whatever, that’s way more men than I thought would find me attractive.

Now, I can practically hear you saying it Why don’t you just get off this app if you hate it so much?

Welp.  Because nothing is ever ALL bad, except maybe cilantro (blech! that shit tastes like handsoap!)  But, I have this fucked up sense of hope that I’ve just had bad luck thus far.  And that maybe all the really awesome guys who don’t think I’m just a piece of shit vagina that isn’t worthy of their most basic sense of decency are just around the corner.

OR…at the very least that somewhere along the way I’ll figure out why these guys are all so awful and so completely and entirely okay with that.  Either or.

Have you had some great experiences with Tinder?  Are you banging chicks left and right or meeting all the dudes that I wish I was for some great sex?  Are you the girl I thought I was but apparently no longer am who can just message up a hot dude and go meet for a drink and a fuck and have the time of your life?  If so, I want to hear all about it (but be forewarned, I’m skeptical as fuck, and will likely want to see some kind of proof lol I’m such an asshole but whatever, you still kinda love me right?!?!) anyway…email me at SomethingSheSaid@gmail.com if you want to share your story.  XOXOXOXO – Victoria

8 Reasons Why I Date Younger Guys

Cougar Paw

 

Technically a “cougar” is a woman who dates men seven years her junior, but I have yet to dip that low so I assume I am still a cougar in training. My current boyfriend is 5 years younger than me and since I’ll be 30 any minute now and I’ve been analyzing why I like to date the young’uns. So here goes:

1. Older men judge too harshly

If you were a nice person you would call me a “free spirit.” I don’t have a long-term plan; I’m a stand up comedian who has a day job that has nothing to do with my college degrees because I don’t want to live on the streets nor do I want a typical career. Older guys ask me things like, “But what about when you’re done with comedy? Don’t you want kids? Why are there so many donut wrappers in your car? When’s the last time you did laundry?” Ugh, no thanks. I’ve been married and I sucked at it. Yeah he was controlling, but I just straight up wasn’t ready to be a responsible human yet and I’m in no rush to get wifed up again. I don’t take well to commands.

There’s probably some psychology mumbo jumbo in there because my stepdad was violent when I was younger so maybe I date younger guys because then I can have the control and they’re less likely to have the balls to challenge me, much less hurt me. It could also be the reason why I like these younger guys to be under 6 feet and with cherubic faces—the less intimidating the better. Fuck psychology, let’s keep it simple.

2. It’s easier to win arguments and feel validated

When you’ve got years of life experience over someone else you can win pretty much any argument on that basis alone. I can recite precedents to prove my validity, I can bullshit like people had to before Google was a thing, and in general condescend just enough to where they feel like I’m an authoritative figure and just give in. It gets a little “sexy librarian” sometimes and yeah you guessed it, we’re into it. Some of the young guys are feisty—these relationships never last with me. I like to be the alpha and normally the guys just fall in line. Sometimes I bribe them with candy and then the fighting is over. See? Fun.

Although, regular conversation stops at a certain point and sometimes I’d sure love if it could go deeper but hey, that’s what my friends are for. Most of my buddies are comedians too, so I’m surrounded by a ton of really smart, really deep and mostly broken humans—literally my perfect matches. I get my intellectual conversations out there and keep it simple with my pups.

3. Sex stuff blows their minds

I’ve been around the block and I’ve learned a lot of things about sex; knowing how much kink I can handle allows me to start it slow and build up to my potential. Younger girls aren’t sure of their bodies and their sexuality yet, so a confident woman who knows how to keep things moving and make it interesting can be pretty alluring. I’m not saying I’m a goddamn panther in the bedroom or anything but I have learned a trick or two to keep me on my game and it is always appreciated.

4. They can usually get it up

You can’t have sex if they can’t get a boner and that’s a fact. That’s why Viagra is covered by health insurance as it aids in procreation. Older guys who’ve already developed drinking problems and/or anxiety from past relationships can struggle with erectile dysfunction and being on the receiving end of that is one of the worst feelings in the world for a woman. Yeah, you were drunk/nervous/tired or whatever, but I’m still going to think it’s because you didn’t like my ass or you noticed one boob is slightly larger than the other. Young dudes are in awe of nakedness and live their lives as ambassadors to Boner City. It’s…pretty awesome. They’ll develop anxieties in their own time but that’s not my problem right now.

5. Their activities don’t bum you out and are super #trendy

Young dudes like to hike, take your dog to the park, eat from food trucks and binge watch Netflix.  They don’t want to sip wine, look at art or go on double dates. They basically just want to go places where they can take fresh to death Instagram pictures and honestly…I’m into it. Hashtag #adventures! These guys are my personal photographers, charting my 20’s for me in one concise little app where I can be immortalized as busy and for having flawless (filtered) skin. These guys aren’t thinking about trying to be the best husband material they can—they just want people to see them balling out of control.  They keep me current with trends and that makes me feel young. Also, the joke fodder I get from them has helped me write at least 10 minutes about dating younger dudes. Thumbs up for that.

6. No one takes the relationship seriously

My friends don’t have to listen to me gripe about a guy’s inefficiencies as a boyfriend because I honestly couldn’t care less. I’m in it for the fun, the sex, and the lack of fighting and judgment. I listen to my friends discuss their engagement rings, the traits that make their lovers potentially good or bad fathers and how their families tolerate them. I don’t give a fuck what my family thinks. The only people who seem to care about the age difference are his parents, but once they’re convinced I don’t want to trap him with a baby (which I don’t, holy shit do I NOT want a baby) then we’re usually cool. Some of my friends seem jealous of my carefree attitude but in their core I know they think they have it better because their relationships are “going somewhere.” Maybe they do. Maybe right now I don’t care.

7. His bros boost my ego

I anticipated being called “grandma” or “Mrs. Robinson” a lot more than I have been…which is not at all. I have not heard one negative comment from any of my lovers’ friends, only high praise. “Nice pull, dude. Older chick, dig it,” etc. I’m seemingly unattainable, dipping into forbidden territory to fuck up social standards. I’m seen as a rebel, sexier than I should be given credit for (because of the confidence that comes with age and experience) and my stories are valid and interesting to them. I give advice on how to get women (respectfully), and at the same time maybe I advise them on how to pick a credit card and start trying to build their credit for their futures. Or maybe I tell them where the napkin goes at dinner. I give off a super mom vibe but seriously who doesn’t love moms?

8. Respect from other women your age

I get a lot of props from women 30+. My cuties look great in pictures and pump up a boring dinner party by upping the sexual atmosphere and keeping everything fresh and relevant. I’m a little bit of a hot mess, and the fact that my guys don’t seem to be bothered by that elicits comments like “He’s just 100% into whatever you want to do, isn’t he?” Yep. “He can fuck you morning or night, can’t he?” Yep. “Do you guys go out on dates and stuff, talk about life?” Totally. I really can’t complain.

Oh wait, yes I can. I’m a female human so it’s kind of my intrinsic right. Before you think this is a free-for-all awesome amazing fun happy time, there are some cons: for one, porn these days has stepped up its game to the point where I either need to ban it from our relationship or learn how to compete with it. This concerns me. On the positive side, it makes me stay in shape and keep stretching to keep myself limber. They’re also super active outside, and I have been sedentary in an office job for years. But again, they challenge me to keep myself active. Those 20 years of ballet only come in handy in the bedroom these days but I’m in better shape now than I was 5 years ago, because of that pressure to keep up. These guys literally keep me young.

So if you’re a chick in your late 20’s to early 30’s (possibly even a divorcée like myself), looking for a fun relationship judgment-free, consider fostering a cougar pup for a while. But make sure they have a smart phone to keep you socially present or else what’s the point, you know? Enjoy.

Online Dating: The Art of Writing the First Message

How to Write a Dating Profile

 

 

How to Write a Great First Message:

1.  Read her profile.  I mean honestly.  This should be the easiest thing in the world, but I can’t tell you how many people have written to me in French when it clearly states that I don’t speak French (apologetically) on my profile.  But seriously, I know this seems obvious and straightforward but I can’t express how important this is…even if by the end, you’re still only messaging because you think she’s a babe.  That’s fine.  If you’re not reading it for you, you’re still reading it for her.  And I know this seems tedious because you might message 10 chicks and only get 1 response back but it matters, and it’s probably what got the 1 chick.

2.  Mention something from her profile.  Did she mention she loves Bon Jovi?  That she’s not from here?  A love of Medieval Fight Club?  A Favorite TV show?  An expectation she has about dating?  Her favorite word?  It doesn’t really matter what it is.  But mention it.  The best possible scenario is if you can say something about it like “I’ve been rocking out to Bon Jovi since my dad gave me my first tape of them when I was 8 [true story btw]” and then ask a question like “what’s your fave song?”,  “who do you think would win in a fight JBJ or Sambora?” or “Have you ever seen them live?”  By stating and then asking, you’re showing her a bit about yourself (and how you two have something in common) and asking her a question, thus giving her an easy way to respond back to you (and taking all the pressure off).

3.  Ask her something.  Assuming you weren’t able to parlay whatever you mentioned about her profile into a question, now’s the time to ask her something.  Keep it light.  Keep it easy to answer.  I know people tend to shy away from “Get up to anything fun this weekend” but if you really can’t think of a single thing else to ask and her profile gives you no clues, go with something safe like that.  At least that way if she deems you cute it gives her something to respond back to with ease.

4.  Proofread.  I know you’re thinking…well I wouldn’t date a girl who’s so judgmental about a couple typos but while you say typos she sees idiot.  Nothing makes you look stupider than simple spelling errors and not knowing the difference between your and you’re.  You don’t need to split atoms, but try not to split infinitives either.  After all, you wouldn’t show up to a first date in your pajamas, so try not to look like you’re asleep in your first message.

5.  Make a good subject heading.  Assuming you’ve done steps 1-4 this should be a breeze.  Using the example of Bon Jovi from earlier the title could be anything like “Bon Jovi” or “80s Rock” or “Similar Music Tastes” or even something unrelated to your message but from her profile.  The key is really just to have something other than everybody else’s Hi, Hey, Hello without shooting too far and hitting her with Hot Tits or something equally stupid.  So now that you know how to make it work, let’s have a look at a few things you’ll want to be weary of.

 

 

Things to avoid:

1. Compliments.  Do not use compliments that are body related in any sense.  For the love of god don’t say curvy, sexy, hot, tits, ass, hips, legs, or anything in this realm.  If you’re a risk taker you can compliment her hair which goes over amazing about 50% of the time…but has also been known to completely bomb.  Your call.  Eyes and smile (not mouth or lips) are okay and if you really feel compelled you can use words like beautiful or stunning (which I get all the time, and I guess it goes over well, at the very least it doesn’t work against).  But the truth is, girls assume if you’re contacting her you think she’s attractive so it’s best to stick to compliments about something they said in their profile (or what you gathered about their personality ie. smart, funny, etc.)  BUT BE WARNED NEVER compliment a girl on something you can’t back up from her profile.  (see #2)

2.  New girl, new message.  Don’t use the same message over and over again.  The truth is, girls are smarter than you’re giving us credit for.  And we can spot a re-usable message a mile away.  And even if we would’ve given you a chance, we likely won’t now since your lazy message tells us you think we aren’t worth it.  And thus, you’re done.  The same thing goes for saying anything that demonstrates you didn’t do step 1 above.  Don’t talk about how she seems super fun and upbeat if all her pictures are posed and straightfaced and her profile is laced with emo references and Twilight slang, etc.

3. Keep it short, keep it simple, do not go over the top.  This is so so so vital.  I don’t know what romantic comedies lead you boys astray but come on.  No chick wants to hear that you love her in a first message.  That’s not endearing, that’s fucking insane.  And the same goes for anything mushy, poetic, artsy, creative (unless funny) or that shows you wearing your delusional heart on your sleeve.  Try to remember, you don’t even know this chick.  So settle down, send a calm message, and hope for the best.

4.  Do not focus on yourself.  While it’s okay to mention a quality/characterisitc/hobby/skill/interest/etc. of yours, do not give her a list of your latest accomplishments, a copy of your CV and the entire menu of your last night’s meal.  She doesn’t give a shit, I promise you!  The truth is, the first message is more about expressing your calm relaxed, attentive but not overly eager, totally normal interest in her.

5.  Do not say anything sexual.  period.  Seriously dudes, fucking stop this.

And that’s all she wrote guys.  Now go forth and prosper.  Take what I’ve said here and put it into action.  She’ll thank you for it, trust me.