Age is Not Just a Number: He Wore Pleats

Old Dudes

 

[dropcap]T[/dropcap]he message reads not half bad.  It’s polite.  It takes an interest in me.  It indicates I’m lovely.  Facts Are Facts.  So I check out his profile.  Flash-aaaaaahhhhhaa-Savior of the Universe.  And I can hardly believe my eyes.  Have I found me a Freddie Mercury look-a-like?  Or Tom Selleck.  Or perhaps even John Oates.  But no.  It appears to be just regular guy.  Though he looks like a mix of those three, moustaches and all.

I, of course, am mistaken because this dude does not turn out to be just any regular guy.  He is a special species, one of a noticeable nature, a likened lot, a particular pedigree.  This fellow is of the variety of gentleman I kindly refer to as stupid motherfucking pain in my ass idiot childish moronic “Old dude unawares”.

The Old Dude Unawares or ODU, comes in many different forms.  If he looks like my new boyfriend he’ll be dressed to the nines in his khaki pleated shorts but still claiming the age of 33 on his dating profile.  In the words of a movie (that he’d be told old to get the reference for) “As if!”  And to be honest, even if it wasn’t for the pleated attire, I would’ve guessed his age at somewhere that side of 40…maybe even glancing down the barrel of 50.  So, I ask you, What’s the deal with old guys?

Ironically, I’m into older guys.  What I’m not into???  Old dudes fucking embarrassing themselves pretending to be young dudes.  You know what’s sexy?  Self-awareness.  And this is something all ODUs lack.  The self-awareness to know better.

 

This just in.

 

You’re not young at heart.  You sir, are a fucking idiot.

 

Now not all ODUs will show their stripes like mine did, clad in khaki so pleated even Grandpa would’ve cringed.  Some look completely normal for their age, excepting of course the fact that they think they stand a shot in hell with me.  Others will be the typical Hollywood man-child or Manhattan detached-tycoon or any of the other stereotypical options I see in movies and on TV but what will be exactly the same about all of them, is a total lack of ability to think logically when it comes to personal matters and a total disregard for that precious thing I already mentioned self-awareness.

And the thing of the thing is…I can’t really figure the ODU out.  I don’t know why he pursues me.  Because Pleaty over there wasn’t the first and he won’t be the last.  In fact, he is only one of many in a long line of too-close-to-my-dad’s-age-why-are-you-so-gross-and-creepy old dudes.  And I reiterate, I truly don’t get it.

Is it a procreation thing?  Because uh..well…fuck…don’t be looking for babies in these uterine walls, soldier.  Is it an arm candy thing?  Okay this one I tiny bit get but then…um…

  • what’s in it for me?

Because here’s a secondary problem of the ODU.  They’re just average guys.  Possibly below average but I’m trying to be nice.  Now I would get the whole thinking-it-reasonable-logical-actually-possible-to-snag-a-foxy-woman-20-years-your-junior if you were say….RICH…or…FUCKING GORGEOUS…or…RIDICULOUSLY SMART…or even HILARIOUSLY HILARIOUS.  But what about the regular Joes?  I mean what-the-fuck-are-they-thinking???

  • Why me?

It’s not like I’m Pamela Anderson or Angelina Jolie or whoever the fuck else you boys are idealizing these days.  Because if you’re going to go young…wouldn’t you also keep up the arm-candy-trophy-wife approach?

 

And to be honest it makes me wonder.  What’s really wrong with our society?  That men (and women, let’s be fair) feel the need to lie about their age.  Or pretend it doesn’t exist.  Apparently as time passes many of us by, instead of being proud of the lives we have lead, we end up cowering to a societal pressure.  A pressure, that quite honestly I don’t feel really exists except in the mind of weak people who lie about their age…but then again…ask me when I’m 40 and my answer might change…see…I’m open to being fallible…but I digress.  And the reason for lying is generally the same…to keep more dating options open.  Men want to be able to contact younger girls who have selected not to be contacted by men 20 years their senior and women want to not limit themselves to dating men their father’s age once they’ve passed 30.  Or something like that.

Either way, everybody is holding on, tooth and nail, to a youth that isn’t their’s to grasp.

And then of course, the hilarity of Pleaty gets a little less funny and a little more sad as I think about a society that relishes in the unrealistic (not to be confused with art/fantasy/etc.) and unaware world that creates these situations.

 

Sure…age is just a number.  Then again words are just letters…but when you string them together they fucking mean something.

Online Dating: Hot Tits and Other Boob Mistakes

Boobs

 

The messages.  They flood in.  Like poetry.  Heart crushing.  Mind-numbing.  Pure drivel.

One giddy gentleman informs me

oo my god i like it big boobs i want to watch your boobs a day why not

 

Another lusty lad lets me know

amazing big lovely great boooooooooooooooooooobs i love them badly.

 

Then it’s Milk Man Mike talking dairy to me

wow waking up to see your jugs in the morning amazing

 

And let’s not forget the chap who chooses to see me for my character

with your cleavage and pretty face you are sooooooooo amazing!!!!

 

And don’t even get me started on the numerous Hot Tits and the one guy who simply messaged with

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooobs

And I shit you not…the o’s took up two whole lines.

 

And the thing of the thing is.  I just don’t fucking get it.  What is the goal here?

 

Are they trying to flirt with me?

Is this a form of internet tourettes?

Are they drunk and cruising the net?

Is this a test?

 

Dear Boys,

Wrong.  You’re wrong.  You’re just fucking doing it wrong.  No girl ever, LIKE EVER reads this type of useless message and thinks fuck yeah, I want this dude.  No seriously.  NEVER.  And the thing is I kind of think you already know this.  Which makes me wonder what the fuck you’re doing?  Unfortunately none of the scenarios I can come up with in my head make you come off well.  They all sort of just end with…boys…are fucking idiots.  And so far that’s all anybody has offered when I ask them this question that plagues me so.

 

They’re idiots.

 

Boys are stupid.

 

Guys are lazy.

 

They’re just bored.

 

Only.  urgh.  um.  is this excuse actually good enough for anyone?  We’re part of a species that turned wind into energy and walked on the moon.  We write poetry and cure diseases.  We found a way to put planes in the sky and read entire books on our phones.  And you’re telling me I’m just supposed to accept it as a fact that the average guy doesn’t know that contacting a woman stranger to tell her of the positive impression her tits make upon him is neither an uplifting compliment nor a means to his probable sexual/ emotional/ companionship end?  I won’t accept this.  And neither should you.

And I’m fairly certain that the majority of these boys are not sitting home alone every moment of the day.  I know them.  You know them.  Hell some of them are probably even your friends (though I’m looking at you here, fellas, because I’m pretty sure dudes who say shit like this aren’t big with the ‘female crowd’).  So here’s what I think.  You should expect more from your friends.  You should expect more from people in general.

 

Think it through.

 

Put some thought into it.

 

Take a moment and work it out.

 

These should be the slogans of our generation.  We’re an intelligent fucking people, you know.  And I think it’s high time we all expected more from our societies.  So fellas, tell your friends and ladies, the next time a guy messages you with bullshit like this, respond with a link to this post (or another from the blog depending on his particular offense) because that’s what I’m going to do.  From now on, every boy who contacts me with messages like this will be getting a response back.  One that calmly and kindly explains just precisely why his approach is so so wrong.

The Rules According to SSDated: What Is My Online Dating Body Type?

Body Types

Something She Said

Stories about sex and dating, screenshots of sexist online dating messages, murder jokes, elaborately long fruit puns–you never quite know what you’re going to get.

 

While guys seem to misrepresent height the most on dating profiles, the ladies seem to most often misrepresent body type (or at least that’s what the boys tell me).  Now on the one hand maybe they’re doing it on purpose (like the dudes about height) but I have hope that a great deal of the misrepresentation is because they just simply don’t know how to categorize themselves.

Side bar:  Save all the bullshit about we shouldn’t be categorized and I’m more than just my body and blah blah blah.  Yes.  I know.  These things are obvious.  But writers are more than just their name.  And clothes are more than just their size.  But at some point the library and the sale clerk have to fucking pick a location or the world would be chaos.  So sit down.  Pay attention.  And find your category.  At least for the moment.

So here’s the thing of the thing.  Or more exactly.  Here’s the reason I think a great deal of misrepresentation is accidental and confusion and not machination a plot to fool dudes.  I myself put Big & Tall/BBW.  But here’s the weird thing.  I’ve had more than one guy message me with something akin to You’re not a BBW, you’re just “a little extra”.  I, of course, disagree.  But that being said, I have more than one full body photo up so it was interesting to see this new perspective.  Not to mention the can of worms that is the very notion that this dude was…uh…flirting…I guess.  But that’s another topic.  And if it had happened only once I wouldn’t have given it a second thought.  But then it happened again.  And again.  Bizarro.  But worth noting.

And then another thing happened that made me question our ability to accureately determine either what terms mean or what were are within those terms.  I was at a party awhile back.  Talking about dating.  Which I always do.  At parties.  And my friend told me that her body type selection listed her as average.  My jaw dropped to the floor.

*Warning:  Purely Anecdotal Claims To Follow*

As far as I knew, the average size of women in North America is something like a size 14/16.  That being said (sorry my beloved Americans) but I would guess that if you narrow that down to just Canada it’s probably closer to size 12.  And then to be honest, if you narrow that down for probably one of the fittest cities in Canada (people here climb mountains before work…for fun…I mean what the fuck right.  Grouse Grind.  Pssshhh.  Fucking disgusting admirable.), Vancouver…that probably drops to a 10.  At best guess I would’ve said my friend was a size 2? maybe 4?  To be honest I’m not the best person to guess being that I haven’t worn a non-plus size since I was 16 and wearing XL at the gap but I’m just saying.  Either way there’s not a chance in hell that she’d qualify for average.

Side bar:  To be clear average is awesome.  So is thin.  So is chubby.  So is whatever.  Boys like all shapes and sizes.  And even if they didn’t.  Women come in all shapes and sizes.  And we became amazing the day we were born.  Finding the right category isn’t about judgement.  It’s about categorization.  It’s really that simple.

So like I was saying.  She was not average.  Not to mention she’s tallish like me…5’7ish.  She would definitely fit in the thin category.  And now to why girls don’t know how to categorize themselves because the designation definitions are so unclear.  She didn’t put thin because to her thin meant thin and super athletic or something akin to unhealthy supermodels.  Her logic was that *while pinching some skin on her belly* she had this *attempting to show me something she construed as fat around her middle*.

I was flabbergasted.  Uh…that’s just skin I said.  And then I went on to explain that while perhaps her doctor might have his own definitions based on BMI and heart health and stress tests…that’s not what body type means for a dating website.  As shallow as it sounds, body type is about one’s body…the outer exterior of it.  If you want to give your cholesterol stats and talk about your fitness regime…well…that’s what the about me section is for.  Body type was simple.  Should be simple.  Why couldn’t it just be simple!

And that’s where I come in.  To make it simple.  And to use context.  Because that’s what the world of dating needs.  A little bit of simple context.

 

(OkC) – OKCupid

(POF) – Plenty of Fish

 

Athletic (OkC)(POF),  You know who has an athletic body type…Athletes…athletic body type is about muscle…and whether or not you have it.  Sure, I play fastpitch softball in the summer, workout at the gym and play badminton (the good workout kind, not that wimpy shit for the no-skilled) but regardless, I do not have an athetlic body.  Or maybe I do, but it’s hidden under the rest of my body.  Either way I have a brain.  That tells me that in the context of dating and sex.  I do NOT have the body of an athlete.  So while not having toned muscles and 6 pack abs doesn’t change anything about your value as a person, it does kick you out of this category.

 

Body Builder  You’re probably thinking…Isn’t this the same as athlete?  And the answer is no.  It’s kind of like assuming a small popcorn is the same as the jumbo size.  And yes I think it’s clear that my food analogy discounts me from this category.  Yes a body builder is athletic but a body builder is clearly a special kind of athlete.  And to be honest, I can’t imagine anyone getting this category wrong.  Because the thing of the thing is.  If you’re a body builder, you fucking no it.  You’re likely chowing down protein shakes and spending every day at the gym.  But just a word of caution.   This is a body designation not a declaration of intent.  So if you’re only on your 4th shake in week 1, you are NOT a body builder.  The same way some dude taking science classes at University can call himself PreMed but isn’t in fact a doctor.  If you’re not ready to enter a competition, you are NOT a body builder.

 

Average  (OkC)(POF)  Now this seems to be the trickiest.  And unfortunately, unlike all the other body type designations will depend a bit on which site you’re using.  See if it was up to me there would be 2 averages.  Average and Average & Fit.  See the thing of the thing is, you can be a size 12 eating poutine with shots of vodka, heading outside for a quick smoke and then spending every afternoon napping (no judgment 😉 or you can be a size 12 doing yoga, playing soccer, eating lean proteins and lots of fruits and veggies, and a sober non-smoker.  Now of course there’s the possibility that Average & Fit should actually be in the Athlete designation but there is a big difference between being a normal person who works out and eats healthy and someone who maintains an athletes body of ripped muscle.

That being said…in a world in which there aren’t two designations of average.  What’s a person to pick???  And that’s where context comes in.  You’re going to have to look at the other options because they matter.  But before I get into how to decide let’s look at the other options.

 

Curvy  (OkC)  Now I know some people will disagree with me.  But in a world that has designations like Plus Sized, BBW, Full Figured, etc.  Curvy really shouldn’t be used as a fall back term.  While certainly, using a purely structuralist approach, Curvy could be used to describe anybody who wasn’t straight lined square shaped…let’s get real.  The point is to make these categories smaller and more precise, not be an irritating antagonist.  So seriously though.  Curvy is like Marilyn Monroe.  Or Beyonce.  Kim Kardashian.  Or these chicks.  Curvy means a decent difference in boob to waist to ass ratio (waist being smaller of the 3).

 

Plus SizedFull Figured (OkC), Big & Tall/ BBW (POF)  Now to be honest.  I find plus sized pretty simple.  Because it’s an actual thing.  Plus size.  It means anything size 16+.  Now to be fair some people might assume anything size 14+ and some might not think of it till 18+ but the truth is…now you’re just splitting hairs.  And sure some girls that are curvy may be plus sized and some that are plus sized may be curvy.  And that’s where it gets tricky.  The best way is always context.  You have to think about who this body designation matters to.  This isn’t a job interview.  Or a health show questionairre.  This isn’t a shopping guide and nobody is trying to buy you a sweater.  You’re answering this for boys.  Men.  Dudes.  And while you can take issue with that all you want, this is a dating website (and under the exception you’re a gay female) the only person who cares about this is going to be a dude so you might as well answer it how he would think of it.  So Plus Sized is what it is.  If you wear a size 14 or more, you are Plus Sized.  Simple.

 

Slim, Thin (POF)(OkC), Skinny (OkC)  This designation is actually incredibly similar to the way one figures out Plus Sized.  It’s about body shape/size.  There is no considering as to health or diet.  That isn’t what is being asked here.  Slim means thin means slim means thin.  It’s very simple.  It’s not about body fat.  It’s about actual size.  So if you have small/slim bones.  And the rest of your body reflects this.  You’re slim.  thin.  etc.  Simple.

 

Stocky  I don’t really know any girls who would ever answer this because well…it sounds kind of mannish.  So maybe it’s a category more specifically for the dudes.  Stocky is essentially boxy or thick.  Someone who is solid but doesn’t necessarily fall into either the A Little Extra or body builder categories.

 

Categories that should be eliminated.  The truth is some shit just sounds bad.  And while it’s one thing to be honest, it’s a whole other story to try and sell a car by giving it only a 50% crash survival rate, if you know what I’m saying.  Nobody is going to answer Overweight (OkC) also because again it’s too open.  Overwhichweight.  And while OkCupid and POF have slightly better options offered as A little extra (OkC), A Few Extra Pounds (POF), I think that my idea of 2 different types of averages could both eliminate these “undesirables” and make it more clear just exactly what type of bodies people have.  Additionally, if you already have Athletic, having Fit (OkC) is just fucking stupid and confusing.  Nuff said.  Additionally, is Jacked (OkC) supposed to mean something like Stacked ?!?! Which could either be a reference to big tits, a comment on body building, or implying an UP at the end thus making sure no one would pick it anyway…who wants to be looking jacked up?  Which is kind of like Used Up (OkC) also super stupid.  And finally, if these sites, and the people who use them listen to me and my wisdom (because as Joey says on Friends…I am wisdomous), the final categories of Rather Not Say (OkC), Prefer Not To Say (POF) will never need to be used.

 

The Rules According to SSDated

 

A Dating Rulebook

[dropcap]T[/dropcap]he sheer brilliance of it.  In theory,  I mean, can you imagine?  If there was a Rule Book for romance.?  A manual of mating.  A chart of courtship.  A pamphlet for partnering.  A fucking Dictionary to Dating.

Can you imagine the time you would save.  Instead of trying to decipher the difference between casual sex and hanging out or what each of those fucking body type selections actually mean, you could be out doing things??  I bet you would have enough time to cure cancer.  Or at least raise a couple bucks towards the cause.  Maybe sign up for a walk or two.  Grow a ‘stache.  Either way.  You’d have some time on your hands, I swear.  Especially you ladies.  Because while I can’t speak for men.  I know us chicks waste a gallon of time swimming around in the unclear waters of dating.  And those muggy waters are a serious pain in my ass.  Seriously.  And it’s not the spending of time that bothers me.  It the unecessariness of it all that drives me batshit crazy.  Bat.  Shit.  Crazy.

And thus, I bring you THE RULES.  That’s right.  I’m taking it on.  The task of clarifying dating.  er.  well.  Online Dating.  I’m not a wizard after all.  Kidding.  I’m totally a wizard!  But nonetheless I still can’t take on everything related to dating in one fell swoop.  So we’re going to start with online dating and go from there.

And you may have noticed in the title…that SSDated substitutes for the word RIGHT.  And though there’s always room for new knowledge, ways of thinking and general improvement; I think we can safely assume if I didn’t think I was right about this stuff, I wouldn’t be writing it.  But that’s almost not even the most important part.  Because.  And here I’m about to get a little saussy* with it, being that I’m such a cunning linguist* (insert additional-super-nerdy-linguistics-philosophy-critical-theory-jokes here).  The thing of the thing is this:

 

A means A.       B means B.       A does not mean B. 

 

A = A           B = B          A ≠ B

It doesn’t matter what means so much as that we can recognize it as different from B.  And dating terminology and discussion is like that.  It’s not that it intrinsically matters what hanging out means so much as that we can differentiate it from anything else.

So assuming I haven’t lost you with my nerdy approach.  Stay tuned for a series of posts where we can finally get to the bottom of what everything means.  And from there we can build our Utopian dating site world.  Okay.  So that might not actually happen.  But.  But?!?!  Maybe we’ll start a something.  Perhaps become the Wikipedia of wooing.  The Urban Dictionary of unsuccessful dating.  er.  wait.  that one doesn’t quite work.  But either way.  You get the idea.  In 200 years, they’ll talk about me.  SSDated.  The Samuel Johnson** of Sexy Jokes.  The Jimmy Wales*** of jutting…er…okay I’m all out of awesome alliteration.

 

The Rules:  More coming Soon

The Rules According to SSDated:  What is My Online Dating Body Type?

The Rules According to SSDated:

 

*Ferdinand de Saussure, French Linguist

**Samuel Johnson wrote the first dictionary, in English

***Jimmy Wales created Wikipedia, according to Wikipedia

Dear Boys, You’ll Never Get a Mile if You Lie About an Inch

Is it okay to lie on a dating profile?

Rules of Online Dating

Is it okay to lie in an online dating profile?

 

Online Dating…it’s a tricky bitch.  There are few very certainties that all people can agree on.

Some want to meet right away while others want weeks of messages and texting and phone calls before they’re ready for a public appearance.  And then there are others who fall somewhere in the middle.

Some think your profile should reveal all your specialties and idiosyncrasies (in order to find a good match) while others think your profile should acknowledge the bare minimum of information required (saving the rest to be discovered during the dating phase).

And the truth is in dating as in relationships, there’s a lot of wiggle room and everybody can make an argument for wanting something different. However, I think it’s safe to say that nobody, ever, is hoping to be duped.  In fact, deception might be one of the single most upsetting occurrences in dating.

Has deception ever been a revered quality in a person?  Does anyone sit at home, looking at online dating profiles, and think to themselves…I sure hope this guy, who I’ve been messaging with back and forth, turns out to be someone completely different…I mean it would be down right boring if I made an educated selection about the kind of physical appearance I find attractive and the kind of personality I feel I’d mesh well with…and the person that showed us was actually like that!!  La-Ame!

So you have to wonder.  Why do people do it??  Why do people lie in their dating profiles??  Or as I’m sure they’ve rationalized it… fudge the truth.  And it’s not a gender thing because both women and men do it.  Albeit misguided fools, but both men and women nonetheless.  I apologize if the use of the word fool seems too harsh for anybody’s delicate sensibility but the truth is, if you’re actively being dishonest in life…honestly…I generally fucking can’t stand you.  Like, think you make the world a worse place.  As in, wonder where your parents fucked up.  Wonder how you got to be so awful.  Wonder why you deserve any happiness at all in this life when you’re actively sucking joy from the world of others.

But.  Like the judgmental person that I am, who though quick to judge is also quick to feel empathy and change my mind, I also feel a sadness.  Like, where did your life go wrong that you feel you have to make up who you are.  As in, why do you feel so less than that you’re writing a fiction of who you want to become rather than living the life that is yours.  How did you get to the point where you didn’t feel that you were enough.  Just you.  Enough.  And that’s more the person I write this for.  That misguided fool.  Who needs a helping hand.  Even if they don’t know it yet.

So before I get further into the recesses of just exactly why lying in your dating profile is so absolutely fucking ridiculous and idiotic (I mean above and beyond the simple fact lying is bullshit)…I want to mention the lie that I’ve found to be the most prevalent in my adventures so far.

 

Liar, Liar, Shoes With Lifts On Fire

 

Men lie up.  The more experience I have with online dating and the more I talk about it with other people the more I learn how astoundingly prevalent lying about one’s height is for guys.  Apparently the norm is something like adding 2 inches if you’re under 5’10 (if you’re above 5’10 it seems you’re less likely to bother though I still hear of its occurrence and if you’re 6’0 and over apparently you’re all in the clear…for this).

Women lie down.  Now unfortunately this is just anecdotal for me.  I’ve yet to meet a girl who lied about her height, though I’ve had people tell me it happens…and the logic (using that term loosely) is there…if a short guy would lie up, a tall girl might lie down.  So it could very well be possible, who knows.

But here’s the thing of the thing.  Boys.  When you lie about your height, you’re causing numerous problems for yourself.  Height isn’t everything.  Even for someone like me…who has a huge complex about the guy being tall because I’m big and otherwise I feel like the due and then nobody wins…has been known to have it not be any kind of deterrent.  After all…some of the best sex I’ve ever had was with a dude who was 5’9 (and I’m 5’7 so that’s pretty close).  But when you lie.  When you pretend to be something you’re not?!?!  Well fuck.  That says a few things to me.  And none of them are good.  It says that you:

a.  Think I’m an idiot

b.  Think I’m easily duped.  (that sounds a bit like a. but I think the additional aspect worth mentioning is that you think I’m naive and can be taken advantage of…and also that you’re the kind of person who would try to take advantage of another)

c.  Think that I have such low standards as to date a blatantly dishonest person

d.  Think very poorly of yourself and nobody wants to date someone with low self-esteem

 

So what I don’t get is why guys do it.  Is it a bit of the Bird Seed Theory and that you’re essentially throwing so much bird seed that you figure even if you hit 6 birds who notice you lied that there will be 1 bird who never notices and thus you get away with murder…the murder of honesty?  Is that the goal?  *puts head down on desk and weeps for humanity* I mean holy shit.  That’s some vaguely pathetic slightly pathological shit.  Eeek.  Ick.  Uck.  Gross.

That being said…I’d love to hear from anybody who ever fudges the truth in their online dating profile.  Whether about height or something else.  I promise to offer a one-time experience of immunity from judgement (though you should know I’ll be pretending you’ve seen the error of your ways and from here on out will be presenting yourself honestly)…either that or make a good argument (and prepare for a rebuttal) about why you think dishonesty is okay.

 

Dating the World a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time

10 Easy Ways to Get Over a Breakup

How to get over a breakup

 

Break-up got you down?

3 dates and he ditched?

Ego bruised and beaten?

Pride battered and fried?

Mmmm fried.

 

Here’s a couple easy ideas for when your love troubles have you putting on your ice-cream-eating-pants.

 

1.  Donate blood.  What?!?!  Who just became a super philanthropic amazing person that the whole world should worship for her selfless deeds???  You did!  Okay okay so you took 6 cookies and shoved them in your purse before asking for a second juice box but times are tough and since you no longer have a man to buy you dinners you’re going to have to get creative with your funds.  Nobody can blame you for being thrifty.

 

2.  Find a good cause to support.  And yes, getting a super high calorie coffee beverage and sitting outside your local firehouse to smile at the pretty fireman (and thus brightening their day) is totally supporting them.  It would obviously be best if you could raise some funds for burn victims or something but either way…we know you’re doing your best.  You’re practically Erin Brockovich!

 

3.  Go for a run.  And yes running from the cops definitely counts.  We get it.  You’re broke.  You’ve got nothing to lose.  And you were just joking when you told that bank teller to (and I quote) “Give me all your money lady!!!” (and pointed your fake gun at her)…how were you supposed to know she wouldn’t get your sarcasm.  It’s not your fault she handed over that big stack of 50s!  So go ahead and get your jog on…all that exercise will release some endorphins.  So will using that money to buy heroin but I would suggest using it for a gym membership instead.  Just a thought.  Run Forest Run!

 

4.  Make a voodoo doll.  Don’t freak out, it won’t actually work but handicrafts are a good use of your post-heartbreak time.  They build hand-eye coordination, give you something to focus on, and most importantly allow you to pretend you’re not all alone (what’s that debbie daisy doll?  no I don’t mean you…you are excellent company for me on a Saturday night…I love spending time with you…I just meant for this poor loser…she’ll need a doll…you and me are friends…you’re totally real)

 

5.  Bake a cake.  Obviously I mean BUY a cake.  Eat it.  Isn’t that delicious.  Mmmmm…now go throw it up because you won’t be able to do number 6 if you keep eating all these cakes, fatty.  Hahaha just kidding!! You’re beautiful just the way you are and you know who is going to appreciate that???  All the hot guys who want to sleep (I mean value) you. 

 

6.  Sleep with a hot guy.  Take pictures.  (As souvenirs, not to send to your ex, that would be pathetic and creepy).  If you can’t get a hot guy, sleep with a funny guy.  If you can’t get that, sleep with a moderately good looking guy with average intelligence.  Still can’t get one of those???  Okay well just try to fill one of the 4 major requirements.  Hot.  Funny.  Smart.  Rich.  Anything else and you’re just settling.  But that’s okay too.  Hurray for settling.  Is there any cake left???

 

7.  Find a wingchick.  They can be hotter or funnier than you but not both.  And make sure they can say….”haaaaavvvvvvveeeee you met *insert your name*?” convincingly and with pizzazz.  If they need training, make them watch videos of How I Met Your Mother over and over again with you until they get it.  Make her aware that she’s Barney and YOU’RE TED.  She can get laid on her own time!  If she’s funnier than you, drink only diet sodas and eat fruit.  If she’s hotter than you go ahead and eat chocolate.  It’ll level the playing field.  

 

8.  Join an online dating site.  Puh-leeeze!  As if you’re not already on one!  Everybody is on one these days.  And that’s as it fucking should be. Now start searching more specifically for your next date.  In the career field type in “counsellor” or “psychologist” or if you really want to shoot for the moon “psychiatrist” (they can prescribe the good drugs).  Either way you’ll now be able to both date and save money on therapy.  Additionally, if you ever pay for any of the dates you can put the expense under “health care” on your taxes.  That’s totally legit.  I swear.

 

9.  Cease all contact.  No stalking on facebook.  Don’t look at his Twitterfeed.  No googling.  No username searching.  Just.  Let.  Him.  Fade.  From.  Memory.  Sure the first day or two will be hard but before you know it you’ll be back to cruising the guy who sells hot dogs on the corner and asking for yours “extra plump” and Mr.what’s-his-face won’t even be a second thought…not even when you see those tiny little cocktail weenies being served at an office party.

 

10.  Read every single Something She Dated post all the way from the beginning.  I’m telling you…nothing says ‘your troubles ain’t so bad’ like reading about the time I dated a garbage man and he tried to talk about meat while we were making out.  Or that time I made out with a Trucker.  Who then had sore balls.  And then…well…I won’t spoil it for you.  But trust me.  I take the cake.  No seriously.  Gimme the fucking cake *points fake bank robbing gun at you* GIVE IT HERE BITCH!!!!

Online Dating Site Review: eHarmony

eHarmony

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eHarmony   

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Attractiveness of Guys  

Overall the guys are fairly decent, not mega-babes like on POF and not the bottom of the barrel like lavalife, etc.  Also, add to that, the fact that the majority of the men are highly educated and have pretty kick ass profiles and attraction goes way up!

Attention from Fellas  

This site doesn’t allow you to do your own searching.  That being said, it’s been an entire week and then send me approximately 7 matches a day.  I’ve been keeping really open-minded and not closing communication with anyone they said me, and still, I’ve yet to have any “dater” initiated contact from ANYONE.  My best guess?  Though they may be matching me personality-wise with these men, I’m thinking the part where one specifies body-type etc. is being ignored…but just a theory.

 

Quality of Responders   

What responders???

Coolness of Site 

If I was actually getting some love on this site, I would think it was pretty cool.  They match you (aka no work for me), communication is guided (when making first communication you send them 5 questions that you’ve selected out of a possible 20 or so), the personality size-up they give you is actually pretty interesting (truth be told I’ll be saving a copy so that when I discontinue I will have it just for interest sake, it’s pretty accurate and neat).  Plus the profile is guided so again, though you still need effort to fill stuff in, at least it helps you with what to write.

 

Overall Satisfaction 

This website sucked cost/benefit analysis wise.  It was $60 for the first month (uber-high because I wasn’t willing to sign up for a package which is good because I’ve already discontinued the automatic renew, after the month I’m done).  This website might not have sucked so much if  A. It was so expensive and B. I was actually getting some dates out of it.  Part of why I’m giving this blog review is because of this site.  After I had signed up (read: paid the moola) that’s when I came across all the reviews for eharmony saying it was total crap etc.etc.etc. if only I had read it before, so here’s me, hoping to save someone else the 60 bucks.

Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

Nice guys finish last

Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?

The logic behind the claim  Nice guys finish last  is so flawed I hardly know where to start (but start, I will).

First off, who are these nice guys who are claiming to finish last?  How are they defining last?  As a matter of fact, how are they defining nice?  And who are they, to claim for themselves this relative qualifier?  The balls on these dudes…ugh.

And those are just the questions I have about definitions and test subjects, we’re not even talking about the actual testing scenario. I mean, not to get all correlational/causational on you but let’s be real here for a minute.  Are these alleged nice guys trying to say that they are so one-factored in their life that there are no other possible reasons for why they may or may not finish last, depending of course on how we define last as mentioned above?

Supposing for a second that we’ve all agreed upon what defines being nice and supposing further than that we find a guy who fits this definition.  He goes on a date, and pays like a gentleman, there is chatter and all things seem to go well.  There’s a short kiss, the date ends and all feels right in the world.  The next day our test subject calls his date and proposes a second adventure.  She is not  interested.  He self-soothes with a mantra of nice guys finish last, nice guys finish last, nice guys *sob* finish last.  He tells all his friends that she was a money grubbing whore only using him for a free dinner.  He considers no other possibilities.  And therein lies the rub.

He’s not such a nice guy.  At least not in my opinion.  Besides the obvious trashing of the girls reputation, the more core issue is the fact that it doesn’t even enter into his consciousness that he might be to blame.  Or at fault (though I prefer to think of it as just people who didn’t mesh) but if dude’s are going to play the blame card, I’m going to deal it out to them.  And like I’ve said over and over again, if you have to say it…you aren’t it.  If you have to tell people you’re funny, you’re not.  If you have to tell people you’re smart, you’re not.  If you have to tell people you’re nice, you’re not.  What you are…is oblivious.  Every dude thinks he’s a nice guy, a super swell fella and the truth is the truth is to be honest, though in varying degrees, admittedly, I’m telling you right now, fellas, you are not.  Now I’m not saying you’re all assholes, not even close.  What I am saying, is that people are flawed, it’s in our nature, and so blanketing your dating woes, or even your life woes, with the fluffy but I’m such a nice guy defense is really not going to get you anywhere.

That being said.  Even if you are, that super amazingly nice guy who never says a harsh word, never has a derogatory comment and just wants everyone to be happy and spends a great deal of his time trying to make life that way.  And even if I can pretend for a minute that you’re not a dick for the crime detailed above of thinking you’re soooo amazing that the problem has to be someone else.  I have to ask, a very serious and vital question:  Who told you that being nice was enough?  Would you want to spend the next 40 years with someone who’s only redeeming quality was that they were nice?  I don’t need a seat on the bus, I need fun.  Okay, that’s a lie…I want both.  I’m greedy like that.  And so are most boys really.

I mean, girls aren’t allowed to be enough…just by being nice.  Seriously.

When was the last time a dude got hard for nice?

When was the last time a dude got hard for nice?  Girls have to be fit, healthy and adventurous…but ya know…all the while maintaining a kind of fresh faced makeup-less beauty that allows for no faults of DNA.  Boys want witty conversation, and upbeat personalities, smart opinions but polite decorum.  They want the Princess without the baggage, the President without the power-trip and the Pornstar without the career…they want the pussy without the problems.

And It boggles the mind.  My mind is boggled.  That I hear it all the time.  This complaint that I have absolutely no sympathy for.  Nice guys finish last.  I couldn’t possibly care less for the plight of the nice guy.  Because in a world that asks women to be exceptional…why on earth do men think being nice is enough.  How is that even possible?!?!

And just so we’re clear, I’m not opposed to people being extraordinary.  I whole-heartedly encourage it.  I think women should try to be all those things listed above and more (except the makeup-less one because a person has no hand in the DNA they were dealt and screw you for judging her/us/them like that).

Personally, I’m nowhere near, but always striving, to be the most awesome version of me that I can be.  And to be honest, I want the same to be true of others.  I fear, much of the world isn’t with me on this one though.  I fear that a great deal of the population is totally all right with just getting by and being entirely average.  Which I guess is fine, you can’t control people and all that jazz.  But that doesn’t mean I’m going to start dating a guy who defines himself as nice.  full stop.

I wouldn’t buy a one dimensional house or want to live in a one dimensional world, so why would I want to date a one dimensional person?

 

Vancouver Dating Blog:  Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time

The Bird Seed Theory, or Why He Keeps Contacting You

Bird Seed Theory

Something She Said

Stories about sex and dating, screenshots of sexist online dating messages, murder jokes, elaborately long fruit puns–you never quite know what you’re going to get.

Every so often I come to a realization about dating.  An answer to a dating question that feels so long fought for and so hard-battle-done-by that it’s like solving the Riddle of the Sphinx.  Like figuring out what the hell happened to Amelia Earhart.  Like I just destroyed the ring in the fires of Mount Doom.  Like I just solved world hunger.  Like I just figured out where in the world is fucking Carmen San Diego, coherently explained the Matrix, and made cold fusion easily accessible and replicable to the general public.  It’s like I know, like seriously fucking know, exactly how many licks it takes to get to the centre of a Tootsie-Pop.

And it’s finally happened.  I know a thing, about dating, like fucking know it, and thus I give to you:

 

The Bird Seed Theory (or, why he keeps contacting you).

 

Here’s the thing: dating is all about effort.  And the fundamental difference in how men and women view effort is the leading cause of dating frustration.  Okay so I kind of made that bit up…the “leading cause” bit…but bear with me and you might start to agree.  See, if you were to ask most women what is the worst part about dating?  I would hedge my bets that they would say “it’s the uncertainty”.  Sure, rejection hurts and uncomfortable moments suck and after awhile everybody gets frustrated and wants to call it a day, but the worst THE WORST part about dating is the uncertainty.  the waiting.  the fade.  and then the come back charlieness of it all.

I don’t really know how it came to me (that’s a lie, I know exactly how it came to me…so let me just tell you).  Driving home from UBC, the day I moved out of residence back at the end of April 2010, I was talking to my brother (who had so graciously helped me move), about The Nick Name and how I just couldn’t figure out what his fucking deal was and why he kept in contact with me when he obviously didn’t like me so much that he like had to fucking have me.  And just like that, it all came together for me. GENIUS!!!  Sort of like He’s Just Not That Into You…Version 2.0…The Bird Seed Theory.

You see, women are very selective about the effort they put into men and dating.  For those who love a good analogy like I do –> We throw thick chunks of bread at select ducks.  Only the ones we really like.  The ones we see a potential with.  The ones who make us swoon.    Or that can dick us down just right (don’t get it wrong…it’s not always about mush and heart)…but the point is we only throw bread when its worth our while.  Effort is precious and we don’t like to waste.

Guys throw bird seed  *makes bird seed throwing gesture*.  Guys throw bird seed constantly…all the time…every moment…of every day…every heart beat…throwing fucking bird seed…not caring who it lands on.  Now this isn’t to say that boys will date or bang all the ducks they throw seed at.  That’s not the point.  The point is to have the option. Boys are always on the prowl, always having things in the mix.  It’s like it’s in their DNA or something.

And I know what you’re thinking…doesn’t that negate the theory of effort?  And the answer is NO.  Quite the opposite.  Because in fact, men don’t see throwing the seed as effort.  Because it’s all in the name of sex (or whatever motivates them, ego, adrenaline, etc.).  And while we (women) are only keeping the options open with those boys we want right now, boys are inherently thinking…more…possibility…later.

So here’s your real-world-tangible-practical-jesus-I-wish-we’d-known-this-earlier-so-much-wasted-time-lesson.

The next time Come Back Charlie sends text message…a FB wall post…a special Tweet…a phonecall…whatever….that leaves you thinking wow.  He misses me.  He’s thinking about me.  He made a mistake in how he treated me before.  He didn’t mean it when he pulled the fade on me.  He didn’t mean it those other 2 times he bailed on plans.  He thinks I’m special really fucking special.

He Doesn’t.

but but but.  No!  He really really fucking doesn’t.

Sure it’s quite possible he cares about you in the same sense that I generally hope people in the world are happy and leading joyful lives and all that.  But to be totally honest, he doesn’t give a shit about you.  Nothing has changed.  I promise.  He is NOT the exception.  You are NOT the exception.  Maybe he enjoys your conversation, maybe he thinks you’re hot and would be cool with a bang (pending that it fit his schedule, pending that some other chick he has been throwing bird seed at and that he wanted more wasn’t available) but honestly, it doesn’t matter.  Whatever his circumstances or reasons are…this dude is not interested in you enough for you to give him the time of day.  Even a proper booty call knows how to be blunt, honest and respect your time.  A dude throwing bird seed has no concern for your time.  Because while throwing bread at him is exacting effort on your part…you’re just another duck on his row to throw some seed up.  *seed throwing gestures*

And to make sure you all listen.  And really know that this isn’t just something I’m saying but can’t back up with actual facts.  I give you both Garbage Man and The Nick Name.  Both these dudes were done with me by the 2nd date (possibly even before).  And after that 2nd date…they kept in contact.  For months.  Like seriously fucking months.  The Nick Name actually kept in contact for years!! though I never saw him again after that 2nd date.  And while in my mind I cannot fathom exerting that much effort to stay in contact with someone you had no real interest in hanging out with again…for them I imagine I was just one in a ton of other chicks.  Or one in a ton of other hobbies.  Or one in a ton of whatever-the-fuck-they-do-with-their-time.  But while I assumed the continued contact was a reflection on the good so-so satisfactory meh times we had spent together and the connection we had.  I was wrong.  So so fucking wrong.  They were just throwing bird seed.  And I was just a duck running around with my head cut off.  Does that analogy work?  I think so.  You get the idea anyway.

So the next time a dude who isn’t treating you like you think he should.  Or a dude that ditched you comes back with a less than grand gesture.  Or really you just have an inkling that you’re doing all the work.  STOP THROWING BREAD at his bird seed throwing ass and find yourself another pond to go loiter at.  Because this one is not good for you.

Vancouver Dating Blog:  Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time

Sex and Dating: How Cum I’m Making Him Wait?

In this day and age of sexual liberation (or at least our attempt at it), why do women still make men wait to have sex?

I obviously can’t speak on behalf of all women.  However, as much as I would like to think I’m the unique little star that my mother thinks I am, it’s probably a fair assumption that my reasons and logic are not unique to me.

I should probably preface this by offering up some personal-sexual context: I love sex, I’m not waiting for marriage (obviously), I’m an atheist so I have no religious qualms, I’m decently/highly educated (2 BAs, 1/2 way through MA), the only parental issues I have could only be described as being too loved/highly valued (if that’s even a thing), I write about sex and dating so I’m obviously not shy about the subject, and advocating for the sexual freedom of women is my resting point.

I was recently listening to a podcast (@DatePod) with April Macie and Shane Mauss and (guests comedian Pete Holmes and Vanessa Zima [who btw apparently has an anonymous dating related Twitter which I hope finds me one day]), and Shane noted that “women have higher consequences for having sex”.

This is, of course, very true.  If a woman gets pregnant, a man can leave with almost no effort.  For a woman to leave, she would either have to have an abortion, or wait the 9 months and then leave the baby (at which point decisions like adoption, etc. would be involved), and this doesn’t factor in any of the emotional consequences of a pregnancy either.

But what if protection and birth control are fully utilized? (and this is where my experience comes in because as a highly educated, privileged, atheist, liberal white female, my chances of unexpected/unwanted pregnancy are extremely low).

So, why do I wait (or have the desire to wait) to have sex when dating someone I like?

 

Orgasms.

 

Women have to work harder to achieve orgasms.

 

Now, clearly, this is a blanket statement that won’t apply to every woman and it doesn’t mean that men never struggle to achieve orgasms either (do they? I have no idea, I’ve heard about guys faking before but I don’t have any data so I’ll just have to assume it’s a possibility at this point).  All that being said, I think with the rampancy that is the “faked female orgasm” it’s safe to say that the female orgasm, at the very least, requires more effort.

And yet, many (most? some?) women have very satisfying sex lives in relationships (and outside of them too maybe?) so it’s not as if men are always insufficient sexual partners.  And now is probably also a good time to mention that I’m not actually saying that men are total selfish assholes (necessarily); I’m open to the possibility that this is social conditioning, something that has occurred through evolution, other possibilities.  At this point, simply because I’m not a man, nor have I done any replicable scientific research, I have no idea why this phenomenon occurs.  All I can say is that in the experience of myself, and many that I have consulted, it does.

Here is my blunt take based on my own sexual experience and the sexual experiences of my friends and anyone willing to talk to me about their sex life:  having sex early in a relationship is less (physically) satisfying for women as our orgasms require more effort and men are more-often-than-not-initially shitty lovers.  Did I just say lovers?  Anyway.

Sure, yes, there are men who won’t be total shit at first.

Sure, yes, there are those lucky bitches who require almost no effort to get off.

Sure, yes, some other thing that I’m probably forgetting to consider.

But, let’s assume for a moment that the man in question is of the average and not the aberration and that the woman in question is like me and the vast majority of women who I’ve discussed this with – why is this the case, then?

In my experience, when having sex with a man who you are not yet in some kind of relationship (relationship being used here to denote anything with a reasonable expectation and desire of both parties for future pursual) is often less than satisfying for any of the following reasons:

 

  • He rushes (from making out to penetration in 60 seconds flat [minor exaggeration])
  • He doesn’t understand that female bodies are different (from his own and from other women)
  • He doesn’t care if I get off
  • He’s insecure about me using a vibrator as well (aka he only wants me to get off if it comes at purely his doing)
  • He doesn’t know me well enough yet to know what I like
  • He doesn’t care enough to ask what I like
  • He’s too excited to bother asking what I like
  • He rushes my orgasm (aka he’s been mislead by porn, in which the majority of women are either faking their orgasm or are simply one of those lucky ladies mentioned above who got off with a stiff breeze, into thinking that I’m immediately cumming within seconds of his dick being inside me)

And I’m not above noting my own onus:

  • As confident as I am, with men who haven’t a clue it can be very hard to speak up for fear of being seen as overbearing, a ball buster, as if there is something wrong with me and/or my body, etc.
  • Most men don’t offer up going down immediately but even so this would be comparable with fellatio and thus still potentially something that comes before sex (depending on your views of the subject)

 

Now, one question you might have is why would I have sex with someone who doesn’t care if I get off (and the answer is obviously I wouldn’t knowingly, and that’s a big part of why I wait).  Additionally, many men who want to have sex with you but not necessarily form a committed relationship don’t appear to be on the same par with me (being able to care about them as a person, a human being who I would want joy to come to, regardless of my desire to pursue a relationship).

The truth is this, getting to know someone and getting comfortable enough to tell them all the things that get you off takes time (or the ability to be that secure and open, which most people aren’t – could you tell a stranger your weirdest sexual fantasy at a coffee shop? no. right.).  And while I would love love LOVE to be able to have amazing mind-blowing orgasmic sex with someone right away, that almost never happens.

And before anyone suggests, well you can’t know unless you try…THAT IS SOME STUPID FUCKING ADVICE.  If there is an electric fence in front of me and I touch it and it shocks me, I would be an idiot to think I could touch it again and it might not shock me.  Sure, the possibility exists that it was an aberration (sign stating: electric fence, to the contrary), or that there could’ve been a power outage in the time it took me to nurse my first wound, but these are so absolutely fucking slim that logic tells me it’s not worth the risk.

So while I probably will falter, have sex too soon, let my hormones and desires get the best of me, the truth is the reason I wait, the reason I TRY to wait, is that most men outside of relationships really suck at sex (initially).  And I get it, if I were a guy who could cum like it was nothing, yes I would have no problem fucking right away.

 

So I guess what I’m saying is this, I know I’m not going to change the world of men fucking, but it would be nice if once in awhile men didn’t always assume that I’m not having sex with them right away because I’m following some antiquated notion about “the rules of dating” or fall into some bullshit self-judgment over the liberation of my sexuality.

 

I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME CUM.

The reason I’m not fucking you yet is because it won’t be good for me.

 

 

*Though my dating record may suggest I’ve had sex with nothing but losers, I assure you, there were some very good ones in there, a 6 year long sexually fulfilling relationship included, but even so, these admittedly blanket statements are based upon the extensive experiences of numerous friends and thus while still not scientific do include a large sampling of men.