[dropcap]I get it.[/dropcap] You catch your man online dating. You don’t want to jump to conclusions. You don’t want to feel sad about your shitty relationship and impending break up. Mostly, I’m guessing, you just don’t want to be alone. But seriously, ladies, step your game up, step your self-esteem up, step your common sense up. And quit being fucking ridiculous.
So there I was on plentyoffish.com just minding my own business. Checking out profiles. When I get a message. I mean top of the line piece of lusty literature, witty and intriguing, a real gem. Hold onto your panties ladies. It’s about to get wild. The message reads:
How are you?
I should’ve probably started this post by mentioning that things “online” are slow. Let me rephrase that. Things online are hideous and boring. Essentially, it has become apparent that while swimming in the seas where supposedly plenty of fish are lurking, I only attract the bottom feeders. Awesome. Which is what allows me to be open to the fact that this guy is cute. Not drool on my keyboard cute, but by no means avert my eyes and delete cute. So I give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’s just not feeling creative. Maybe he’s just a slow starter. Maybe he’ll pick it up a bit.
Hey 🙂 Thanks for the message…I’m doing great. How’s your day going?
And then total silence. I didn’t really notice at the time because I was being bombarded with messages. Sure, yes, bottom feeders, with the occasional poisonous puffer fish, and a shark once in a while, but generally speaking – bottom feeders. However, a week later when I see his face appear in my messages again. I think. Hmm…I’ve seen him before. Did I delete him? Did we talk? So I click the “view all correspondence” button. And see the meager history. He messaged. I responded. He appears to have forgotten. And yet. Here he is again. Launching those lovely love letters in my direction. The message reads:
Hey wat up?
I mean swoon right? But like I said, times are dumb and ugly, and I’m bored. And frankly, because I’ve got nothing invested, there’s nothing to lose. So I message back, but I kick it up a notch. I can’t be talking to boring people. So either he’ll hit me back with info that’ll lead to conversation or he’ll be boring again and then I’ll know, and stop responding.
Hey 🙂 Not much…just getting ready for school tomorrow…How was your weekend? Get up to any Halloween fun?
And this time I get a response. Almost immediate. I mean barely enough to type all the words kind of immediate. Only the response isn’t from…well…see for yourself.
this is Mike’s girlfriend. Yes he has a girlfriend, so please don’t bother writing him again. I can’t believe he actually turned out to be one of these guys….and there are far too many guys with girlfriends on these websites, I once went out with one of them myself. Not good! My advice to you, go out instead of going online, it’s a harder search for a guy, but you have a better chance of finding someone decent!
Hmm…I’m going to have to stop you right there Mike’s Girlfriend. Because your science, your logic, is off the charts stupid. Online dating and cheating? I’m not sure there’s even a correlational relationship between the two let alone a causational one. Though if you can show me some data I’ll more than happily change my tune. And for reference I mean data that proves this same relationship between dating and cheating in the conventional manner doesn’t exist as well.
Next problem? Why can’t you believe he turned out to be one of “those guys”? And I’m assuming “those guys” means cheaters. Because here’s the thing, Mike’s Girlfriend. I doubt your surprise. Nobody even thinks to check to see if their boyfriend has a POF account, who doesn’t already have an inkling that he’s (thinking about, in the process of, already has) cheating/ed. Plus anybody who feels the need to message someone talking to said boyfriend on POF, likely assumes even if he shuts his profile down it’ll pop right back up again. It’s almost as if this has happened before…hmmm? Thoughts? Finally, Mike’s girlfriend, giving advice? Really? Really? Do you really think you’re in a position to be offering up said advice, given that your relationship is in shambles? And if I’m being honest, you wouldn’t be suggesting I stop talking to Mike if you were planning to dump his cheating ass so I can only assume you plan to forgive him at which point any possible chance you had for being a source of worthwhile advice goes right out the window.
Not one to ignore a teachable moment, I respond.
Not to be mean or anything but do you really think you’re in a good position to be offering advice? I mean, I’m sorry your guy is a dick but my advice to you would be…break up with him and don’t sweat it as he obviously isn’t a great guy for you (or anyone)…keep your head up and don’t be bitter (or offer unwarranted advice that makes you seem bitter)…and carry on your merry way with a good life.
I assume this will be the end of it. Actually I don’t, I expect some sort of childish rant, but I just couldn’t help myself, I had to say my peace. And just as I’m about to hit block, as to avoid being baited into an ongoing conversation with this sad dumb chick. I get another message:
Yeah, whether or not I actually found someone decent is now questionable 🙁
I metaphorically slap her, in my mind, grab her by the shoulders and shake. For the love of a pretend being you fucking tool?!?!? How did you let this become your life?!?! What on earth are you doing?!?! But that seems harsh. So I simply respond, as kindly as I can and hope she absorbs at least some of my advice.
Questionable?? Oh honey. There is no question here about whether or not he’s decent. He’s checking out online dating sites…and assuming you two are exclusive…that’s a pretty big no brainer. Plus…not to be super critical…but if you have to “hack” his account or snoop through a webpage left open or however it is you found his page…if you have to do any of that…you’re in a relationship that wasn’t working to begin with. And now obviously I don’t know your story or situation…but seriously…is there really a question here???
There was no response. I’m hoping that Mike’s Girlfriend heeded my words, grabbed her purse, and hightailed it out of his place (which I’m assuming is where she stumbled upon this situation), and his life. Grabbed herself a set of self-esteem and brain power and put the two together for good use. Perhaps she even sought out some counselling (something I’m always in favor of) to deal with her numerous issues. I expect a thank you message from her in the near future. Maybe some flowers…
No? You don’t think that’s what happened? You’re probably right. Mike probably cried, or acted like a total dick who had a right to peruse online dating sites, and said he was so so sorry. Maybe he meant it, maybe he didn’t. They’re back together. It won’t end well. Because you can’t form a healthy relationship with someone who’s emotionally broken and/or a total idiot. Sorry Mike’s Girlfriend. It’s never going to get any better until you get your shit together. Which I have faith that you can do. If you want to.
[colored_box color=”grey”]Dear Girls,
Don’t be like Mike (‘s Girlfriend). Say no to idiocy and flawed logic. Use reality as your guide. Seek help when you need it. And most importantly. Don’t take shit from nobody.
aka Something She Dated
aka Dating losers so you won’t have to
aka Protecting the name of our gender
aka The science (logic) and dating police[/colored_box]
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