Houdini Returns: Authorities Close Case on Garbage Man

Head Desk

[dropcap]Once upon a time [/dropcap]…moderately long ago, there was a magic man named Houdini.  He had a talent for being the date whisperer, peddling wild tales of magic, and performing his wizardry all through the lands of Vancouverdom.  After wooing the beautiful (and modest) princess, Something She Dated, on that wild and crazy web of interconnected-ness, they had a magical first date.  Shortly after, Houdini caught the plague that was spreading like wild fire across these here parts.  But SSD was in a trance, held by what she believed were his charms and witty repartee, but in hindsight was simply a state of neutrality that comes with not being a total douche (aka he was just an average knight – no shining armor).  So she waited for him to heal.  Like Rapunzel dangling her hair out the window, SSDated dangled texts about her kissing having been known to cure illness.  They giggled and he got better.  Then on their second date they went hunting and he shot a Bison (or at least she thought that was what happened…at the very least she knew there had been a lot of talk about meat.  Sadly, in the few weeks that followed, Houdini lived up to the connotations of his magician’s name and disappeared.  Was it faulty lines of communication (horses with broken hooves, bandits in the forest intercepting messages, a flood leaving the town in total choas?), or just a case of a knight with tarnished armor and a princess under his spell?

So after the second date aka “more meat and less greet” I still had hopes that Houdini aka Garbage Man and I might carry on and have some fun. Shocking I know, and in hindsight, so shameful. Try to bear in mind that after six years of lockdown and an arsenal of subpar flirting skills (the best of which include, “you’re cute…shall we make out?”) I was in desperate need of dating experience.

To be blunt, Garbage man was like a workout. I was flexing my dating muscles and getting my flab in shape. First dates were like push ups, first kisses like lat pulls and you could say I was hoping to get in a lunge or two.

1st Friday since Meat Date
He texts – Want to hang out tonight?
I text back – busy, tomorrow night?
He texts back – dinner with mom, don’t know when I’ll be back.
I don’t respond. 4 hours go by (I’m sure it becomes obvious I will not be responding lol!).
He texts again – Hey Sexy, I would really love to spend some time with you tomorrow night.
I cave, sort of.
I text back – Give me a shout when you’re back and if I’m free we’ll hang out.

Night arrives, whooshes past and sticks its tongue out at me in the rear-view, no contact ever comes.

He texts. I only respond because I’m curious after leaving me in the lurch last night why even bother?
So I ask How was your weekend?
He texts Really sucky because I didn’t get to see you.  The rest of his message is, long story short, all about phone unreliability and I start to wonder why didn’t he just call…ya know…like dial actual numbers instead of texting???

More yaketty yak about mobile dysfunction (something about dropping it and it shorting out) *eyes roll* but asks about hanging out this weekend. I suggest Friday.

2nd Friday since Protein Extravaganza
The plan is to hang out Friday night, only he gets back to me too late. He originally asked on Wednesday and then when I responded for details…silence…he logs on numerous times but doesn’t respond till Friday afternoon (is he shitting me???) asking to hang out that night or if not on Saturday. Obviously I message back…I’ve got plans tonight….I’ll message you tomorrow.

He logs onto POF (yes I check lol!  He has me saved as a favorite so obviousloy I check duh!) at 10am. I message at noon – Hey Garbage, you still want to hang out tonight?

Cloud of Smoke
Disappearing Act
Like a Fairy Tale

And then nothing…
He doesn’t log in all week…

3rd Friday since Bison Ball
Get an email from Plenty of Fish announcing message from Garbage Man. Don’t bother reading it…yet; I had decided not to do anything “dating” related because of major schoolwork crunch all weekend. (lol I also may have asked TheHell to change my password until Monday just in case I got tempted).

Check the message. It’s some more yaketty yak about phone bullshit. This time it’s water spilled or something. Normally I wouldn’t be so hard on someone but this smells like Garbage (man). I mean Come On! He asks in the saddest English possible, “Am I ever wanting to talk to him?” My response (and likely only occurred due to my curiosity to hear his response not because there’s actually a chance it matters)…

“Depends. Is this recent flakiness simply a symptom of unfortunate technological malfunctioning or is it a personality trait?”

The silence can be heard around the world lol! And that my friends is the end of the Garbage Man/Houdini as he disappeared like a pfft! of smoke. I’ve put the bags in the bin, closed the lid on the can, and wheeled it out into the street for pickup.

(Fairy Dust Settles in Vancouverdom)


                           hen the Princess awoke from the enchanting spell placed on her by Houdini, she was refreshed and ready to be courted again. Hopefully the next time she would be a little wiser, a little more protective of her time and perhaps ready to date a vegetarian.

*Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One Something at a Time*

Law and Order: Dockett Number 492801: People vs. Garbage Man

Head Desk
The following story is non-fictional
and depicts actual people and events.

(deep voice over)    In the Criminal Justice System, the People are represented by two seperate yet equally important groups;  the Police who investigate crime and the District Attorny (Crown Counsel in Canada) who prosecute the offenders.  These are their stories.

Dun! Dun! (Law and Order sound)
Trial Part 4 
Opening Arguments
Febrauary 20, 2010

Crown:               In summation, I intend to prove that the defendant, Garbage Man, has committed the
crime of  “aggravated assault on future dates”. Pursuant to a conviction by guilty
verdict We, the people, will be seeking damages in the case against TELUS Mobility
Canada for “conspiracy to disrupt relationship formations” to the tune of $10, 000.
(for unreliable mobile service).

Dun! Dun!
Trial Part 19 
Febrauary 20, 2010

Crown:                Court reporter, would you please read aloud the messages which occured the day
after SSD’s “breezy” phone call.  These messages occured between Garbage Man
and SSD on http://www.plentyoffish.com/, submitted as exhibits F and G in evidence.

Reporter:             (reading aloud in monotone 80s computer voice)

Gman:                 All better. Have dinner plans Friday, want to hang out afterwards? You could come
to my place or I could drive out to yours maybe? I’m busy rest of weekend. Our
mobile phone companies are incompatible (read: TELUS sucks). Bye Sexy.

SSD:                    Sounds good. I’ll come to your place (SSD specified that she answered the
message accordingly because she hasn’t given him her home phone number yet
so she certainly was not letting him come over to her house). When were you

Gman:                  Dinner is 7, so maybe 830 or 9?

SSD:                     9 is good. What’s your address again?

Gman:                 I’m really looking forward to seeing you again. (sighing and “ahh”ing from the
gallery)  Would it alright if we made it 930? Gives address.

SSD:                    Yeah 930 is fine. Cya then.

(Court reporter is excused and SSD is sworn in)

Crown:               (looking at SSD)  and were you on time?

SSD:                 Well not exactly…you see I spent too much time primping and didn’t leave my house till
9pm…uh…and it’s about a 45 min drive to Gman’s place…and then the highway was shut
down because of a huge accident…and so I had to take this endless detour…but…but…I
called him…(trails off)

Crown:               Please describe the conversation

SSD:                  Well…can I have immunity first please…because I risked calling illegally from my cell
because I didn’t have hands free set up yet)

Crown:               Granted…continue

SSD:                  Okay so it was like this…I called Gman and was like…blah blah traffic…blah blah
unavoidable…blah blah sorry…

Then he was like “You’re pretty punctual usually though aren’t you?”

Then I was like…(Flashback to first date and being a couple minutes late)…uh…yeah
I guess…sometimes I’m late though…(awkward laugh)…

And he was like…(not said in soothing voice, but more disappointed parental tone)…
oh well what can you do…if there’s an accident there’s an accident…blah blah blah
…cya soon…then I hung up.

Crown:               and how did that make you feel, SSD?

SSD:                  Honestly I almost turned around and drove home. I mean Fuck this…oops *blush*
excuse my language Judge…so I was like forget this…I mean the proper response when
someone calls to tell you that they’re going to be late is…(even if it means sucking it up
and faking it)…no worries that’s fine…take your time and drive safe. I mean…we
barely know each other…not to mention he had been the one pushing the time
back earlier anyway right?

Crown:               and so did you turn around?

SSD:                  No. (sighs).  I figured I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Plus I’d just spent like
2 hours primping for him…so I wasn’t going to waste it.

Crown:               Tell us what happened when you arrived at his house.

SSD:                 So when I get to his house, admittedly it is almost 10:30pm and I felt hugely embarrassed
that I was so late…even though mostly it wasn’t my fault…and super awkward because
of how he acted on the phone…plus hello! second date jitters…and then I knocked on the
door…and he pokes his head out just a smidge…and I guess he was trying to be funny
but I kept thinking…yeah…we’re not tight like that yet that joking in an awkward
situation is a good idea…and then…you wouldn’t believe it?!?!

Crown:              Oh, do tell us…please go on…

SSD:                  He was wearing jogging pants!!!

(Gasps are heard around the courtroom. Whispers, pointing and laughter ensue. Judge brings down gavel several times asking for “order!”)

Crown:               And you were shocked at this drastic change in attire from the first date?

Defence:             Objection! Leading the witness!

Judge:                 Sustained

Crown:               I’ll rephrase. What was your reaction to his attire?

SSD:                  I couldn’t freakin’ believe it! I had just spent 2 hours getting myself all super-sexified and
girly and he’s wearing sweat pants? I mean come on! And the thing is, it’s not like I’m
anti-sweat pants…heck I wear them myself when I’m at home…but this was supposed to
be our second date. A Date for Christ’s sake!! And yes…I know…the date did take place
at his humble abode but that does not make practically wearing pyjamas acceptable.
Plus, what moron thinks he’s getting laid in sweat pants???

Defence:             Objection! The witness is using prejudicial characterizations of my client!

Judge:                 Overruled! Defendant wore sweatpants on a date…calling him a moron is not a
characterization it’s a fact.

Crown:                Tell us what happened next SomethingSheDated…

SSD:                    Well…uh…I was so distracted by the whole phone call plus weird door opening plus
jogging pants that I barely said anything for the first…like half hour. Plus he didn’t
even have a movie or something planned to watch. He was watching the Olympics
when I showed up…and so we just kept watching them.

Crown:                Thank you, that is all.  The prosecution rests. Your witness.

Defence:              So had you and the defendant discussed what would be happening on this second date?

SSD:                   Well…uh…no…I mean…I assumed…

Defence:              (interrupting) Ha! You assumed!

Crown:                Objection! Badgering the witness you Honour!

Judge:                  The defence will please let the witness answer the question. Go ahead SSD…you may

SSD:                    so yeah…uh…I just assumed that he was aware that effort was required. I mean…I
figured after how amazing our first date had been…the second date would at least
attempt to compare…

Defence:              and the date did take place in his “home” and you after all said you wear sweatpants in
your “home” did you not?

SSD:                    Yes…but not when getting frisky is a possibility…

Defence:              And did you get frisky?

Crown:                 Objection!

Judge:                  Overruled…please tell us about the frisky activities (judge rests chin on elbows and
upturned palms and leans towards witness, very pervy-like)…yes do tell us all the

SSD:                     (blushing) yada yada yada making out yada yada yada shirts off yada yada yada
uncircumcised yada yada never seen one before yada yada not ready to have sex
yet yada

Defence:                 So…besides the attire…did he do anything else that “turned you off” or would
prevent future copulations?

SSD:                     Well (looks up quizzically and scrunches face)….he did sort of talk about meat during a

Gallery:                  (numerous voices) He did what? (Laughter) Can you imagine? (Laughter) What kind of
meat? (Laughter)

Judge:                    QUIET! Or I’ll have you all in contempt! Witness will continue and please…specify the
meat in question…

SSD:                      Well it was sort of after he found out he wasn’t going to get laid that night…but
before he figured out he could get a bit further than he already had…and we were
just talking and he brought up the fact that he had had sushi for dinner with a guy
from work…and then he was talking about eating healthier blah blah…and then he
started talking about how he’s started eating Bison…

Defence:                 (interrupts with laughter) Bison? Seriously?

SSD:                       yes! (Annoyed) Bison!

Defence:                 and yet…you still let him get further with you?

SSD:                       well…yeah…I mean…we kind of laughed at the topic and then got it on again…

Defence:                 The defence rests.

Judge:                     The witness may be excused.

Dun! Dun!
Trial Part 36
Closing Arguments
February 20, 2010

Defence:               The Crown has not been able to prove its burden for the crimes charged. At best, they
may argue that my client gave future dates a dirty look but certainly not “aggravated
assault”. In addition, my client lacks the intelligence to formulate the “intent to cause
confusion” about whether or not he likes the witness.

Crown:                  The Defence has spun tales about the appropriateness of casual attire and tried to
distract you with notions of “the clothes do not make the man”. They have claimed
that abuse using the weapons of bad pants and meat talk are not vigorous enough to
justify an “aggravated assault” charge but they forget this comes after the weeks of
pummelling, while my client waited to hear about the defendant’s health and a second
date. Finally the defence asserts that the accused lacks the intelligence to intentionally
cause confusion, which in itself proves his guilt in “grand stupidity”. They cannot have
it both ways. The jury must convict this man before he causes further harm to
innocent daters everywhere. It is your duty!!

Dun! Dun!
Trial Part 45
February 20, 2010

Judge:                        And does the jury have a verdict?

Presiding Juror:         We do your Honour.

Judge:                         And what say you

Presiding Juror:        On the charge of “aggravated assault on future dates” we find the defendant guilty.
We would also like to make the recommendation to the Court, that the charges be
ammended to include “intent to cause confusion” and “grand stupidity”.

Judge:                         That is highly unusual…hmm

Presiding Juror:        We know, Your Honour, but we felt that it was justified to speak out on behalf of
the victim.

Judge:                        Very well…the Crown is advised to consider the jury’s statements for future
charges.  And how say you on the charge of “conspiracy to disrupt relationship
formations” in cahouts with TELUS Mobility.  On the issue of damages, we
award the claimant, SSD, on behalf TELUS Mobility, a total of $10,000 for
time wasted and anxiety and uncertainty suffered.

Judge:                        Deputies, please remove the defendant. The Court would like to thank the jury for
its time.  Court is adjourned.

*Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One Something at a Time*

Death By Plague: The Garbage Man’s Demise

Dating Mistakes

[dropcap]I had a friend[/dropcap] who dated this guy several times. Things were going great, they really connected, they had great sex, things were off without a hitch and then one day he tells her he’s going over to the Island (Victoria, BC). Days go by, followed by weeks and eventually she tells the story of the man who fell overboard, “drowned at sea” if you will.

When I tell my story of the Garbage Man, I will attribute the demise of our ill-fated romance to his death by Plague. You didn’t know the plague still exists in these modern times? Shocking I know, but alas there can be no other explanation.  Um…hello!?!?! I’m Hottie McHotterson – betta recognize!  For real though, it’s been almost three weeks since our first date.  If I can get past my six year relationship with relationshippy with some counselling, closure sex but more importantly 3 months without regular contact….how long does this guy think it’ll take me to get over a first date?  Boy please!  And yes, I know what you’re thinking, give the dude a break, he might actually be sick.  Yes, this is true but I’m an insensitive bitch who wants what I want when I want it (though I keep these tidbits of crazy hidden from him).  Veruca Salt taught me what’s up!  That and I’m not the hugest fan of putting myself out there…nobody puts baby in the corner…nobody makes SSD look a fool!

Seriously though…I’m super pissed Garbage Man hasn’t called to say he’s better and to make plans and also pretty convinced that our first date is the last time I’ll see him since his death by the plague (the picture of him on the stand at the funeral won’t count and I’m hoping for closed casket).


Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One Something at a Time

Waiting for Him to Text: Patience is a Virtue I Never Learned


Something She Said

Stories about sex and dating, screenshots of sexist online dating messages, murder jokes, elaborately long fruit puns–you never quite know what you’re going to get.

So I know I said in the last blog entry that I wasn’t going to bore you with all the texts in the *SPOILER ALERT* 3 weeks until my second date with the Garbage Man, “Il Garbarino”, “El Garbago Novio”* but I lied lol!  No, but seriously, if I don’t explain the play by play, things won’t make sense in later blogs so here we go (you may want to get yourself out a calendar to follow along with this):

Saturday 01.30.10
First Date

Sunday 01.31.10
He texts (great time)
I text back (great time right back)

Wednesday 02.03.10
I text (How’s things?)
He texts back (Good but I’m getting sick)
I call (no answer but I swear…I was breezy!)
He texts (Sorry I was sleeping aka getting rest, maybe we can hang out on friday?  Let you know how I feel)

Monday 02.08.10 (one week has passed since first date)
He texts (Yyygjalkdfakljdshfsdd8**&^&^#^&(#hjdkajfsdjhfl&a#$#I+=S)
I text back (Are you sitting on your phone? because I just got the weirdest message from you)
He texts (No lol! Telus doesn’t play well with other phone carriers, I’ll resend)
He texts (Hi SSD, It hurts to talk, I’m back at Dr. not feeling any better.  Hope your enjoying sunshine ttyl.)
Sidebar:  Let’s take a moment to notice the updating ability…good job GMan 😛
He texts (sexy banter)
I text (sexy banter)

Wednesday 02.10.10
He texts (Hey SSD, are you wanting to get together Friday?  Maybe you can come over to my place, that would be nice, Hopefully I’ll be feeling 100%)
I text back (Do you think it’s likely you’ll be feeling better by friday?)
He texts (Ah yes, I fogot that I need to book some time to hang out with you! lol.  Do you have other plans?)
I text back (lol! that’s so hilarious because it’s true lol-I’m just finishing an assignment, can I call u in ten min?)
He texts (you need to make an appointment to speak with me lol!  Yes I believe I am available at that time and will be expecting your call :P)
I call (the gist is I’m like “is it likely you’ll feel better?” and note that this is very bizarre to me…I mean either you know you’ll be better or you won’t…it’s only like a day and a half till we would be hanging out???  His response is basically “I’d really like to hang out, I’m hoping/thinking I’ll be better, but can we still play it by ear?”) LAME! and yet I agree lol!

Friday 02.12.10
I text (Hey Cutie!  How’s my favorite patient?)
He texts (Just at Dr.’s again)
I text (Because you’re still feeling crap? or to get the go-ahead aka not contagious?)
Crickets Chirp
I text (You still at the Dr.?)
Lonely Mountainous Echo
The Sprint Pin Can Be Heard Dropping
Children in Panama are telling the story of the lady who went spontaneously deaf (except that it’s so quiet I can actually hear them telling the story)

Saturday 02.13.10 (Two weeks have passed since first date)
He texts (Sorry fell asleep after I got home.  I ttyl when I feel better.)  Are you fucking kidding me???!?!?!?!  TheHell informs me that apparently boys are COMPLETE FUCKING BABIES when it comes to being sick AND reiterates what I already knew…that boys think “falling asleep” is some sort of valid excuse wtf? are you retarded…set a fucking alarm!?!?!
I eventually text back that evening (Sure.  Feel better DOUCHEBAG!!! okay so I just thought this last part)

Wednesday 02.17.10
I call [because I’m bored, because I like things settled one way or another, because I’m a fucking lunatic, because I lack any ability to demonstrate patience] (phone rings…hello? (then I say hello?) then phone just starts ringing again and then goes to voicemail…and I’m like wtf??? STUPID FUCKING TELUS!!! STUPID FUCKING CELL PHONES!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK wtf do I do now (and not end up looking schizo?) I attempt to leave a breezy message about seeing if he’s feeling any better, has he died etc.? and if he is feeling better maybe we could kick it that Friday or Saturday?
I call again lol! (I tell him Telus is officially screwing my phone big time and it’s now completely unreliable not just texts and if he does want to hang out to just message me on POF)…BREEZY!!! lol okay so this wasn’t exactly breezy but I will reassure you that at the very least it was breezier than how it sounds now reading it back lol!


Time ticks by like I threw molasses on the clock.  It’s moving so slow, I could throw a ball in the air, run to the kitchen, make a sandwich, eat it and come back in time to catch the ball.  Can you die from impatience???  Sidebar:  Remember at this point in time, I don’t know that a 2nd date will ever actually occur.

To Be Continued….

*P Sizzle…these names are jokes – I looked up the real translations for Garbage Man but they weren’t nearly as interesting or recognizable

*Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One Something at a Time*

What Would Chuck Norris Do?



[dropcap]S[/dropcap]o I’ve started this particular blog entry like 20 times now. Nothing was witty enough. Nothing was interesting enough. The details of the situation seem overwhelming (fuck!) what to include, what to not bother with….

Most people have some sort of morality on their shoulders. Perhaps a devil on the left and an angel on the right. Perhaps it’s more like Jack from Law and Order on the left and Tila Tequila on the right. Maybe it’s mom and dad vs. your friends. For me, it’s none of these…I keep my moral compass in my pocket. That being said, my shoulders are not “chip” free.

On the left, it’s me—okay well not really me. It’s the perfect me. She’s funnier, smarter, and much more interesting. She once just looked at Chuck Norris and he burst into laughter, and then he round-house kicked anyone who wasn’t laughing. Then she met a prince who flew her to Monaco where they gambled all night and after a huge losing streak she threw herself into the pot. They lost to an Arabian knight who took her back to his home where she became a sex slave. Though the Arabian Knight was a mega babe, she would not be controlled by any man. Fortunately for her, the guy from Prison Break with the blueprint tattoos happened to be tunnelling out of the Knight’s castle and took her with him. They spent the next couple of weeks running from the law all the while engaging in a torrid affair of sensual passion and intellectual stimulation…I’m just sayin’.

On the right, it’s me—okay well not really me. It’s the stagnant me. Picture Artax* (feel free to read the explanatory note but honestly if you’ve never seen “The NeverEnding Story” you won’t really get it, nor can we be friends! Lol). So yeah it’s the me that’s paralyzed by fear and anxiety and stands motionless for sheer terror of making the wrong move.

So here I am, trying to figure out what to write for this blog because ideally I want to get up-to date asap (I feel like blogs lose some of their quality when I’m writing them 2 weeks after the fact like I am right now) and I asked myself WWCND (what would Chuck Norris do)? So I round-house kicked Artax-Me out of this universe and my shoulders are feeling lighter already…that bitch was really weighing me down.

So here’s what I’ve decided:
1. I’m going to worry less about my blog recording every exact detail of my dating foibles
2. I’ll rely on the few and far between (shoutout TheHel, Mer and Rain for reading) to tell me if things aren’t making sense
3. Wow, work on personal growth aka be less serious…I mean Sheeeesh! this whole dating thing was supposed to be about fun fun and more fun lol!! Weeee!

P Sizzle…the fact that this blog which appears lengthy at best and “NeverEnding” at worst uses metaphors from the movie…is unintentional but delightful…I heart Irony!

*Artax is Atreyu’s horse. They head to the deadly Swamps of Sadness to see the ancient Morla, the wisest being in all of Fantasia but on the way Artax is overcome by the sadness of the swamps and sinks into the mud, like quicksand and the more he struggles the faster he sinks. Eventually he is swallowed completely and Atreyu must carry on alone on foot.


Vancouver Dating Blog:  Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time

“Never was a Story of More Woe” than Waiting for a 2nd Date



(rewriting Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, about a Garbage Man)

A des’prate wait this morning with it brings; 
The text, for assurance, will he show his head? 
Go hence, to have talk of these dating things; 
Some shall be assur’d, and some neglected: 
For never was a story of more woe 
Than this of SomethingSheDated and her Garbage Man-o.

So we had had our first date, our first meeting, Garbage Man and I — and it was awesome.  But now it was the day after and while I had played my 18-22s as a calm, cool, and collected Tin Man-esque gal, I was only a few months out of a 6 year relationship with Mega Love.  Not to mention that this was probably my first real experience with dating and was definitely my first experience with dating white guys (I don’t know why that matters, but somehow it seemed like it did, because it was just another factor making this situation feel all too alien to me).

Sure, I was a bit swoony when describing this date to my best friend and her husband.  But, I also know that this is hormones and pheromones and the novelty of it all, so I kept this new found swooning to myself–meaning I had to refrain from texting, calling, and all other forms of overzealous, overeager, too soon crazy.  That is, until he texted, the next evening.

Hey Victoria, I had a good time last night.  Don’t study too hard.

Breathe easy.
Be Breezy.
I text back.

I had a good time too.

The next few days that pass take the stregnth of 10 men (and one close friend) to keep me from texting or calling, because oh man, do I want to.  Don’t worry though, I kept that crazy urge to myself.  Well, myself and my friend and her husband.
After all, I mean, do I really think that Garbage Man is the love of my life, my soul mate, my other half, the Will Smith to my Jada Pinkett, the foreign baby to my Angelina, the brain to my George Bush, the passcode to my sphinx?  Probably Not.  And yet, and yet, I was dying to talk to him, to contact him, to set up our next date.
Here are the following reasons why I figure I’m so super super super impatient, wish I could call, and wish the weekend would come sooner so Garbage Man and I could (potentially) hang out again (though I reiterate, I know feeling this is nutty, and thus would not reveal this crazy to anyone but my friends, definitely not GMan).
  1. Making out (need I say more?  first kisses, butterflies, newness, exciting, hot, amazing!)
  2. My days are currently filled with reading endless pages of literature and studying.  No matter how good the books are, making out with butterflies in my stomach will always win as an activity I’d rather be doing.
  3. may, I repeat may, be vaguely vulnerable after the demise of my relationship with Mega Love.
  4. This really is my first real dating experience using the following definition :

A Date: An event where both parties know it will take place ahead of time; see term “setting a date”. It is recommended both parties show up sober and fully clothed. Dates take place in coffee shops, restaurants  someone’s apartment when appropriate, or at an event. Dates do not take place in cars, nightclubs, parking lots, or anywhere in Ft. Lewis. Though there is such a thing as a double date – if the numbers are not evenly matched (aka 2 girls 2 guys) than this is a party and not a date (aka 2 girls 1 guy or 2 girls and 5 guys etc.). For the purpose of this blog, dates with boyfriends do not count.

5.  Did I mention that there was making out?  No wonder I can’t focus!

So, I hold out till Wednesday.  4 days.  Not so good.  But at least it’s a breezy message, which I figure is okay since he texted the day after the date (though I’m vaguely aware of the fact that he hasn’t really contacted me again since the date.  Is he just being patient because I’m so busy with school?)

I text How’s your week going?
He texts Slow.  I think I’m getting the flu.  How are you doing?

Is it weird that my initial reaction to this was as if he had just told me he wasn’t interested anymore?

We texted back and forth for awhile after that but I’m not going to bore you with the texts.  I will say that Garbage Man ends up being sick for like the next 3 weeks but *Spoiler Alert* we do eventually have a 2nd date, so stay tuned :).



*Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One Something at a Time*

The Date Whisperer: Garbage Man Raises The Bar



It started out like a scene from a Romantic Comedy…

Two adorable singles headed out for a pseudo-blind date.  They decide to meet at a coffee shop, a seemingly safe and fool-proof plan.  Pragmatically they choose a coffee shop halfway between their respective homes.  The girl google-maps the meeting spot, just to double check the Starbucks location.They set off, each in their own vehicles, boy aren’t they cute.  They arrive at the shopping complex where they have planned to meet up.  He goes to the Starbucks on the south side of the mall, She goes to the one on the north side of the mall.  What are the bloody chances???  They both think they’ve been stood up and go home…screeech just kidding!  He called to see where I was at, we got it sorted out and repositioned accordingly.  And that’s when all the magic began…


When I walk up, I see Garbage Man immediately (as he’s standing right outside).  This is a huge relief since one of my biggest fears is that awkward moment (if it happens) where you don’t recognize the person you’re meeting (or they’re not there yet and you have to stand around feeling like a loser.  But I digress because he was right there.  We hug.  I’m a hugger.  He is tall.  And adorable.  If he was a 3 or 4 in his pictures, he’s a 5 or 6 in person!  Excellent Jeans, Nice hoodie, very good hair, excellent cologne.

We go inside.  He proceeds to do several incredibly cute things:  asking what kind of coffee I drink, paying, asking about and getting the splenda/stir stick/lid/etc. for my drink, finding us a table, getting our drinks and bringing them to the table.  It’s all very chivalrous (aka just nice).

Coffee goes on for two hours and is filled with chat chat chatter.  Beautiful miraculous chatter, flowing and nervous, butterflies and giggles, smirks and cute smiles, witty repartee at its finest.  This may be a slight exaggeration but then I bring to your attention the title to this blog: The Date Whisperer.  The point isn’t really that Garbage Man is the most amazing person ever or even that he’s an excellent match for myself…the point was his ability to navigate this date, it was effortless, like it had a life of its own; a flying carpet showing me the world.

Neither seems to want the date to end.  He’s mentioned getting food more than once and though I’d sooner chew someone else’s gum then eat in front of him at this juncture (yeah that’s right, I’m a chick who doesn’t want to eat in front of a guy right away, so sue me), not to mention I’m actually not at all hungry what with all those butterflies filling me up, but I’m not ready for the the date to end, so we go for food.


Coffee turns into dinner and still we’re not ready to call it a night (I credit the magic dress I’m wearing, boobs look huge, ass looks great, tummy looks small woohoo! magic dress!).  At this point I’ve made the estimation that he in fact is neither a serial killer nor a super dud, so we go back to his place to watch a movie.


His Place
So you could say we watched a movie but honestly I can barely even remember watching it.  I believe (because again, I was under the spell of the Date Whisperer) that we just kind of sat there for quite awhile enjoying the fact that we were sitting so close.  Close sitting leads to hand holding leads to making out leads to me drawing my line in the sand and then it was time to call it a night.  The only other funny thing worth mentioning was the fact that he wears Rocawear cologne.  Now most of my friends did not really see any significance when I mentioned this but…well…honestly…I just thought it was hilarious because Rocawear is essentially an African American brand (Jay-Z, Rocafella, etc.)  It’s like he’s a black, white guy…okay not quite but still funny.


(My) Reasons For Not Having First Date Relations

I’m 28 not 22, it’s not as easy to be easy anymore.

I still haven’t had sex (or even a kiss) since Mega Love and first date sex is not what I had in mind.

I haven’t had sex with a White Guy SOBER since the first time I had sex, like a decade ago.

White guys make me more nervous, I feel like they’re judging me a lot harsher than black guys not to mention that I feel like with black guys, I’m something they’ve seen before, but white guys I almost feel like I’m their detour to chubby town or that they just find ME sexy and are not normally into girls this big.

Slow and steady wins the race…or so they say


*Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One Something at a Time*

Introducing Shakespeare’s “The Courtship of SomethingSheDated and The Garbage Man”



A Tale of Star Crossed Lovers (as told by a Vancouver dating blogger)

Two profiles, both alike in dignity,
In fair Vancouver, where we lay our scene,
From ancient heart-break to new cupidity,
Where stupid boys make crazy minds unclean.
From forth the craving loins of these two joes
A pair of star-cross’d lovers frustrate their life;
Whose misadventured messaging overthrows
Do with their lust bury their ex’s strife.
The heated feeling she impatient of,
With the proliferation of her controlling rage,
Which, his slow tardy notes, nought could remove,
Is now the lengthy blogs of this our stage;
The which if you with patient eyes attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

This, is the story of the Garbage Man

When I look back now, it felt like I had been single for months and months but in actuality, the ex (henceforth referred to as MegaLove) and I broke up over thanksgiving (the canadian one) and I was already online dating by early December, but I was also in university at the start of my second BA so December was filled with exams, not boys.  And that brings me to Garbage Man, whose courtship went something like this:

He messages me.

I respond.

Witty repartee.

Witty repartee.

Witty repartee.

Pros:  He’s normal, tall (good stance) and has the witty repartee

Cons: His photos are not great (I’d give him a 4) though I think potential

Witty repartee

Witty repartee.

Witty repartee.

He asks for my phone number.

I give it to him.

He texts.

I text back.

He asks if it’s cool if he calls (aka am I free).

I say no, super busy with school, I’ll call tomorrow night.

Next night I call. No answer. I leave message.

While talking to TheHel (my friend) he calls, I don’t want to answer but TheHel makes me.

We talk for about half an hour (This is 2009 and I still have pay as you go! Fuck!)

He asks if we can hang out.

I tell him I’m too busy right now with school (Monday) but I’ll text in a week when I’m less busy.


Friday (5 days later)

I text.

He texts.

We make plans.

Coffee tomorrow.

He’ll call at noon.

I send pics of all the cute boys I’m talking to at the moment: ATL, Garbage Man, 44yr old., The Alice Cooper, The Barbie guy, The firefighter.  She firmly supports Garbage Man (and ATL).  I’m super nervous, internet dating, really?  Why does it feel so much weirder at 28 than say 22?  The Hel convinces me to give them a go.  She clearly sees potential.



He calls around noon.

We make plans

Starbucks @ 6pm

Halfway between his place and mine


To Be Continued… 


*Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One Something at a Time*