[dropcap]I[/dropcap] want to be going out on dates. Lots of dates. I want to be having fun. Lots of fun. Instead I find myself in a perpetual cycle of deflecting boys too stupid to understand that their interests are best served by adhering to normal standards of social protocol or boys who are boring.
They say a picture is a worth a thousand words, but apparently to the boys on POF, mine are barely worth a sentence. This, of course, is not to be confused with how I see myself. And just in case you don’t believe me. In case you’re thinking it can’t be that bad. And I bet she’s super judgmental and demands paragraphs of uniquely crafted genius. And I bet she’s exaggerating. Here are the last five messages I have received:
oh my god gorgeous!
Not bad if you appreciate its complimentary nature, that being said it doesn’t leave an open space for a lot of conversation. Mostly the best I can reply with is thank you and then go into an awkward question. All of which would be fine if this genius hadn’t sent me at least 5 initial messages in the last year-and-a-half-ish. And through responding, one time, the only thing I ever learned about this Barely-functioning-Bobby was that I couldn’t possibly go out with someone who answered every question with one words answers and eloquent responses to my wit like hah :):):) Blargh. Pass.
omg i still want you!!!
This gem, again, does have value in its essence as a compliment to my attractiveness but still. I mean. Why is he yelling? And How am I supposed to respond to this? And excluding the actual message itself, this charmer is a culmination of strikes which on their own are not disqualifiers but stacked up as they are for him and I just can’t climb aboard so to speak. He’s claiming 39 (though to be honest, I would bet is stretching the truth that is an age closer to 45), he’s only 5’9 (I’m 5’7…and chubby), he’s not funny, interesting or eloquent in his profile, his message is weak and he’s yet another that goes in the group of repeat offender having sent at least 3 initial messages in the last year or so. Blargh. Pass.
Lovely knobs sexy 😉 they mesmerized me
On the one hand I’m pleased, obviously my wizard skills are finally starting to churn out results and I have a new skill to add to my resume. On the other hand, this makes me hurt in my smart place. I want to tear my hair out. I want to become asexual. I want to move far away and live in a cabin, and spend the rest of my life writing in relative obscurity, preferably a cabin with a radio, whose knobs I can turn. Blargh. Pass.
That’s all it says. And seriously. How am I supposed to respond to this? And if I can manage to ignore the triple xxx’s in the spelling of Sexxxy there’s not even any punctuation to help me solve this mystery. Is this a proclamation of the highest order? Is he flirting? Did he just want to let me know? Is this some form of internet Tourettes? Is he drunk? Is this a mating call? Is this a question I’m supposed to answer? And as I type up this blog post I’m vaguely alarmed at how many repeat buyers I get trying to come to my open house. This is yet another fella who either finds me so unremarkable that he never remembers my face 20 seconds after its disappeared from his vision or perhaps thinks he can beat down my resolve to not date morons. Blargh. Pass.
And finally there was the message that started off innocently (though tediously) enough with
hey cutie how are you doing
I checked his profile. He’s 22. I’m perplexed but haven’t I been talking about how it’s good to be open and all the bullshit and so I decide to message back. Because after all, I’m human, he’s a babe, and well, maybe I would be willing to teach a youngbuck a thing or two. Needless to say the conversation didn’t head in the direction of science or humor or even what are you studying? So what exactly did this Juvenile Joey want from me? Why boob pics of course.
im goood thanksss! your gorgeous!… kindaa boredd we shouldd sendd eachother some bodyshotss! wouldn’t mind seein those nice big tits!.. u wont be dissapointed i got the body of a greeeek god! lol
Uh…what’s with all the extra letters. Is this what the kids in elementary school are doing these days. Blargh. That being said, I couldn’t help responding. Laying a little of my logic on this lad. I messaged back haha well you got balls kid I’ll give you that…but I’ll have to pass…plus if I wanted to see dick pics…I’d just google some.
hahaha better when its someone ur really talkinggg too…commmon u only live once misewell have someee fun… i bettt youuu couldnttt even handleee me 😉 ahahaha
I think the world is a dumber place for having experienced that message. misewell? Le sigh. This makes me hurt in my lady lexicon places. Reading a menu would be profound after my experiences with these Major Morons of Messages. And before everyone gets all up in arms with all kinds of derogatory comments about how this is online dating and plenty of fish is full of plenty of fools let’s all remember, the guys of online dating are the same guys wandering our fair streets, working jobs, and supposedly functioning in our fair society everyday. Which is kind of terrifying, no?
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