Grad School is over. Teaching and marking are done, grades have been submitted. Summer is here, and I have just under 3 months to enjoy absolutely everything Montreal has to offer before my lease runs out and I return (temporarily) to Vancouver.
And before you close the tab on this post because you can’t stand to read another article where I’m frustrated and bitter and jaded about the state of men who are interested in me, that’s not what this post is going to be like. In fact, it’s probably the absolute opposite. Or, at least it would be except for one small but crucial element.
More than ever before, I’m worried about altering the trajectory of the dating in my life (see: butterfly effect).
I should explain.
I used to keep the blog, my Twitter, and my Facebook hidden from the men I dated.
Then there was a period where I felt like my identity was really wrapped up in the blog (turns out it wasn’t the blog as much as being a writer) but either way, I wanted them to know me and to do so they had to know about the blog. Not to mention I’m basically the world’s worst liar so if a guy asks what I write, I have a problem telling him I write travelogues for nomads (though that sounds kind of fun…no?).
Then the last few months happened (where in all honesty, I have gotten really bitter) and so I started putting my Twitter handle on my Tinder profile. Wait. Let me explain the logic of that because I swear there was some. It started out because I thought that maybe (cringe for my gross ego) if men knew that I was even slightly funny and/or maybe interesting then they’d stop boring me with talk about their stupid penises and maybe try to have a conversation with me.
Then, it became about… welp if they won’t have a conversation with me because I might be awesome, maybe they’ll just be less offensive because I might make fun of them on a public platform.
For the majority of men, I doubt they even read my “profile” aka that otherwise unexplored space below a picture of me. For reference, it currently says:
Is this app only for hooking up?
Are you trying to bore my vagina into submission?
Are you bothered that Subway lies about inches?
That being said there have been a few cool guys who managed to check it out. Well, technically, many guys could have read it and just thought I was the dumbest, but only a few guys have mentioned anything that wasn’t related to their cocks, so I’m making an educated guess here.
Now, why does this all suddenly weigh so heavily on me?
Because I went out with a guy. He first contacted me through Plenty of Fish but in the time it took for me to be done with school, we had matched on Tinder. And thus, he was exposed to my Twitter and this here blog. And before you worry that I’m going to tear this poor guy apart on the internet and that that’s my big concern…
A. Do I ever tear anyone apart who hasn’t been a total fucking d-bag to me? (hint: no)
B. Spoiler Alert: he hasn’t been a d-bag to me
C. Whether it’s good or bad or funny or weird or swoony and amazing, dating is a fickle bitch. And while he’s probably too busy right now to even concern himself with reading my blog, I know he’s read posts before and possibly will again and I just don’t like the idea that something I say here could affect whatever we have going on. Not to mention how sticky things could get if I start adding in some new characters, if you know what I mean (I just mean dating other guys, in case you didn’t feel like that was heavy handed enough).
And before you say that it’s not that serious, not that big of a deal. I know from personal experience that it kind of is. For those of you who have been around here long enough to remember The Vampire, that all fell to shit and I basically never heard from him after he found out I wrote about dating. And while other guys have been more understanding…that’s not entirely the point.
After all, even at my most casual, even with a booty call, even when I couldn’t possibly have made any claim on a guy’s time or his dick, I still would’ve been upset, felt a little jilted, and honestly been kind of turned off if I had to read about a dude I’m with (however loosely) banging other chicks. I always know, when dating, that these things are a potential reality but just like calories, I like to pretend they don’t exist.
So, are you with me so far? Does this all make sense? How I don’t want to fuck up my life (read: possible best summer ever!) by dropping a rock in the calm lake waters causing a ripple effect with the potential of a tsunami? Okay, good. But now what?
What do I do, about the website? (which, in a bizarre side note has managed to have the highest readership I’ve ever had, even though I haven’t been posting much because of school).
Do I blog about everything anyway and hope it doesn’t change the course of whatever happens with any of the guys I go out with? Do I write the posts now but save the posting until August? Do I save it all and finally write that ebook that I’ve been meaning to and just release it all at once and make some money from the stories (which feels presumptuous and greedy but a girl has to eat, after all someone has to pay back this student loan to the government)?
And as a side note, if your suggestion is anything other than the first option…does that make for a summer of posting about what…feminism? my personal weightloss? body issues? non-male-specific-sex-posts? poetry? shitty fiction? ugh.