Houdini Returns: Authorities Close Case on Garbage Man

[dropcap]Once upon a time [/dropcap]…moderately long ago, there was a magic man named Houdini.  He had a talent for being the date whisperer, peddling wild tales of magic, and performing his wizardry all through the lands of Vancouverdom.  After wooing the beautiful (and modest) princess, Something She Dated, on that wild and crazy web of interconnected-ness, they had a magical first date.  Shortly after, Houdini caught the plague that was spreading like wild fire across these here parts.  But SSD was in a trance, held by what she believed were his charms and witty repartee, but in hindsight was simply a state of neutrality that comes with not being a total douche (aka he was just an average knight – no shining armor).  So she waited for him to heal.  Like Rapunzel dangling her hair out the window, SSDated dangled texts about her kissing having been known to cure illness.  They giggled and he got better.  Then on their second date they went hunting and he shot a Bison (or at least she thought that was what happened…at the very least she knew there had been a lot of talk about meat.  Sadly, in the few weeks that followed, Houdini lived up to the connotations of his magician’s name and disappeared.  Was it faulty lines of communication (horses with broken hooves, bandits in the forest intercepting messages, a flood leaving the town in total choas?), or just a case of a knight with tarnished armor and a princess under his spell?

So after the second date aka “more meat and less greet” I still had hopes that Houdini aka Garbage Man and I might carry on and have some fun. Shocking I know, and in hindsight, so shameful. Try to bear in mind that after six years of lockdown and an arsenal of subpar flirting skills (the best of which include, “you’re cute…shall we make out?”) I was in desperate need of dating experience.

To be blunt, Garbage man was like a workout. I was flexing my dating muscles and getting my flab in shape. First dates were like push ups, first kisses like lat pulls and you could say I was hoping to get in a lunge or two.

1st Friday since Meat Date
He texts – Want to hang out tonight?
I text back – busy, tomorrow night?
He texts back – dinner with mom, don’t know when I’ll be back.
I don’t respond. 4 hours go by (I’m sure it becomes obvious I will not be responding lol!).
He texts again – Hey Sexy, I would really love to spend some time with you tomorrow night.
I cave, sort of.
I text back – Give me a shout when you’re back and if I’m free we’ll hang out.

Night arrives, whooshes past and sticks its tongue out at me in the rear-view, no contact ever comes.

He texts. I only respond because I’m curious after leaving me in the lurch last night why even bother?
So I ask How was your weekend?
He texts Really sucky because I didn’t get to see you.  The rest of his message is, long story short, all about phone unreliability and I start to wonder why didn’t he just call…ya know…like dial actual numbers instead of texting???

More yaketty yak about mobile dysfunction (something about dropping it and it shorting out) *eyes roll* but asks about hanging out this weekend. I suggest Friday.

2nd Friday since Protein Extravaganza
The plan is to hang out Friday night, only he gets back to me too late. He originally asked on Wednesday and then when I responded for details…silence…he logs on numerous times but doesn’t respond till Friday afternoon (is he shitting me???) asking to hang out that night or if not on Saturday. Obviously I message back…I’ve got plans tonight….I’ll message you tomorrow.

He logs onto POF (yes I check lol!  He has me saved as a favorite so obviousloy I check duh!) at 10am. I message at noon – Hey Garbage, you still want to hang out tonight?

Cloud of Smoke
Disappearing Act
Like a Fairy Tale

And then nothing…
He doesn’t log in all week…

3rd Friday since Bison Ball
Get an email from Plenty of Fish announcing message from Garbage Man. Don’t bother reading it…yet; I had decided not to do anything “dating” related because of major schoolwork crunch all weekend. (lol I also may have asked TheHell to change my password until Monday just in case I got tempted).

Check the message. It’s some more yaketty yak about phone bullshit. This time it’s water spilled or something. Normally I wouldn’t be so hard on someone but this smells like Garbage (man). I mean Come On! He asks in the saddest English possible, “Am I ever wanting to talk to him?” My response (and likely only occurred due to my curiosity to hear his response not because there’s actually a chance it matters)…

“Depends. Is this recent flakiness simply a symptom of unfortunate technological malfunctioning or is it a personality trait?”

The silence can be heard around the world lol! And that my friends is the end of the Garbage Man/Houdini as he disappeared like a pfft! of smoke. I’ve put the bags in the bin, closed the lid on the can, and wheeled it out into the street for pickup.

(Fairy Dust Settles in Vancouverdom)


                           hen the Princess awoke from the enchanting spell placed on her by Houdini, she was refreshed and ready to be courted again. Hopefully the next time she would be a little wiser, a little more protective of her time and perhaps ready to date a vegetarian.

*Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One Something at a Time*
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Victoria Young

Writer. Dater. Masturbator. Stop ruining my jokes by believing the self-deprecation. I am far greater than your boner will ever know.

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