Online Dating: The Art of Writing the First Message

How to Write a Dating Profile

 

 

How to Write a Great First Message:

1.  Read her profile.  I mean honestly.  This should be the easiest thing in the world, but I can’t tell you how many people have written to me in French when it clearly states that I don’t speak French (apologetically) on my profile.  But seriously, I know this seems obvious and straightforward but I can’t express how important this is…even if by the end, you’re still only messaging because you think she’s a babe.  That’s fine.  If you’re not reading it for you, you’re still reading it for her.  And I know this seems tedious because you might message 10 chicks and only get 1 response back but it matters, and it’s probably what got the 1 chick.

2.  Mention something from her profile.  Did she mention she loves Bon Jovi?  That she’s not from here?  A love of Medieval Fight Club?  A Favorite TV show?  An expectation she has about dating?  Her favorite word?  It doesn’t really matter what it is.  But mention it.  The best possible scenario is if you can say something about it like “I’ve been rocking out to Bon Jovi since my dad gave me my first tape of them when I was 8 [true story btw]” and then ask a question like “what’s your fave song?”,  “who do you think would win in a fight JBJ or Sambora?” or “Have you ever seen them live?”  By stating and then asking, you’re showing her a bit about yourself (and how you two have something in common) and asking her a question, thus giving her an easy way to respond back to you (and taking all the pressure off).

3.  Ask her something.  Assuming you weren’t able to parlay whatever you mentioned about her profile into a question, now’s the time to ask her something.  Keep it light.  Keep it easy to answer.  I know people tend to shy away from “Get up to anything fun this weekend” but if you really can’t think of a single thing else to ask and her profile gives you no clues, go with something safe like that.  At least that way if she deems you cute it gives her something to respond back to with ease.

4.  Proofread.  I know you’re thinking…well I wouldn’t date a girl who’s so judgmental about a couple typos but while you say typos she sees idiot.  Nothing makes you look stupider than simple spelling errors and not knowing the difference between your and you’re.  You don’t need to split atoms, but try not to split infinitives either.  After all, you wouldn’t show up to a first date in your pajamas, so try not to look like you’re asleep in your first message.

5.  Make a good subject heading.  Assuming you’ve done steps 1-4 this should be a breeze.  Using the example of Bon Jovi from earlier the title could be anything like “Bon Jovi” or “80s Rock” or “Similar Music Tastes” or even something unrelated to your message but from her profile.  The key is really just to have something other than everybody else’s Hi, Hey, Hello without shooting too far and hitting her with Hot Tits or something equally stupid.  So now that you know how to make it work, let’s have a look at a few things you’ll want to be weary of.

 

 

Things to avoid:

1. Compliments.  Do not use compliments that are body related in any sense.  For the love of god don’t say curvy, sexy, hot, tits, ass, hips, legs, or anything in this realm.  If you’re a risk taker you can compliment her hair which goes over amazing about 50% of the time…but has also been known to completely bomb.  Your call.  Eyes and smile (not mouth or lips) are okay and if you really feel compelled you can use words like beautiful or stunning (which I get all the time, and I guess it goes over well, at the very least it doesn’t work against).  But the truth is, girls assume if you’re contacting her you think she’s attractive so it’s best to stick to compliments about something they said in their profile (or what you gathered about their personality ie. smart, funny, etc.)  BUT BE WARNED NEVER compliment a girl on something you can’t back up from her profile.  (see #2)

2.  New girl, new message.  Don’t use the same message over and over again.  The truth is, girls are smarter than you’re giving us credit for.  And we can spot a re-usable message a mile away.  And even if we would’ve given you a chance, we likely won’t now since your lazy message tells us you think we aren’t worth it.  And thus, you’re done.  The same thing goes for saying anything that demonstrates you didn’t do step 1 above.  Don’t talk about how she seems super fun and upbeat if all her pictures are posed and straightfaced and her profile is laced with emo references and Twilight slang, etc.

3. Keep it short, keep it simple, do not go over the top.  This is so so so vital.  I don’t know what romantic comedies lead you boys astray but come on.  No chick wants to hear that you love her in a first message.  That’s not endearing, that’s fucking insane.  And the same goes for anything mushy, poetic, artsy, creative (unless funny) or that shows you wearing your delusional heart on your sleeve.  Try to remember, you don’t even know this chick.  So settle down, send a calm message, and hope for the best.

4.  Do not focus on yourself.  While it’s okay to mention a quality/characterisitc/hobby/skill/interest/etc. of yours, do not give her a list of your latest accomplishments, a copy of your CV and the entire menu of your last night’s meal.  She doesn’t give a shit, I promise you!  The truth is, the first message is more about expressing your calm relaxed, attentive but not overly eager, totally normal interest in her.

5.  Do not say anything sexual.  period.  Seriously dudes, fucking stop this.

And that’s all she wrote guys.  Now go forth and prosper.  Take what I’ve said here and put it into action.  She’ll thank you for it, trust me.

 

The following two tabs change content below.

Victoria Young

Writer. Dater. Masturbator. Don't worry my parents don't think I'm funny either. Grad Student. My breasts aren't ashamed of me either. You and me kid, we're going to change this world.

11 Comments

  1. Brandon

    March 31, 2014 at 7:07 am

    Ha! This is a solid bit of writing. Hilariously informative; the only kind of advice articles I take seriously. Nailed it.

    • Victoria Young

      April 11, 2014 at 5:35 pm

      Thanks! (that’s a very sweet thing to say, I really appreciate it) <3

  2. brian

    April 16, 2014 at 8:05 am

    Yeah this was awesome. Men love when women are brutally honest in a comedic way. Especially in the form of advice (twice as funny.) It kind of reinforces a man to buck and well, be a man lol. Great article.

  3. brian

    April 16, 2014 at 8:06 am

    Buck up*

  4. polly

    August 5, 2014 at 12:24 am

    wonderful advice!

  5. Derek Watson

    August 9, 2014 at 4:51 am

    I LOVE YOU
    I WANT YOU
    I WANT TO FUCK YOU SO HARD

  6. Derek Watson

    August 9, 2014 at 4:56 am

    DO YOU WANT TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME
    IN FRESHFORD THIS SATURDAY NIGHT IN
    KAVANAGH,S PUB IN FRESHFORD
    AT ABOUT 11.15P.M
    FOR A FEW DRINKS
    IF YOU DO
    PLEASE SAY YES

  7. This Dude Here

    September 20, 2014 at 5:56 am

    You say to proofread and be good at spelling, then type the sentence “…which goes over amazing about 50% of the time…” That sentence makes ZERO grammatical sense. “amazingly well” is more like it. How can anyone take you seriously?

    • Victoria Young

      September 27, 2014 at 11:40 pm

      Yes, you’re completely correct to think that one mistake invalidates anything anyone has ever said (did you catch the error here? I’ll wait…). While the sentence may be grammatically incorrect, I’m not sure you can say it makes “ZERO grammatical sense” because, after all, you were easily able to figure out what I had meant to say. So, maybe just relax a bit and try to focus on the bigger message. Or don’t and just keeping leaving comments on the internet. Either way, life shall carry on as it always does. All the best 🙂

  8. Ayanleke CEO

    January 9, 2015 at 12:22 pm

    Quintessential……:)

  9. Simon

    January 10, 2015 at 8:03 am

    This is seriously great advice. Hasn’t helped me in any way yet, but that doesn’t matter, it’s still good.