My Kingdom for an H: Another Dating Disaster

Head Desk

You won’t believe it.  I mean you really won’t believe it.  And yet I knew who it was before Alice Cooper had even sung his second  poison…your poison running through my veins (my ringtone).  Okay well technically I can’t really claim I knew because well how do you test for that once everything has become hindsight-style…but logic aside…I fucking knew.

6 weeks since 2nd date with Garbage Man (aka Houdini)
2 weeks since last contact with him
1.5 weeks since The TEDisaster
1 week since taking down all dating profiles in an effort to have complete focus on schoolwork till the end of term paper madness and final exams
4 weeks until all term papers are due and final exams will be over

Regardless of the time that had passed and TEDisasters that had happened and the fact that I DO (I swear) have friends that could be texting me.  I knew it was him.  From another room.  I knew.  And there it was.  A text message from none other than….Garbage Man

But wait…it gets better…the text message was the most brilliant piece of articulate literature you will ever encounter in your life.  No? You don’t beleive me?  Surely you expect something high caliber and exsquisite from the man that brought you bison in bed?  Still no?  You have such low expectations of a man who couldn’t manage to deliver a third date inside a 4 month window?  Okay so you’re right.  The text said this:

H.

Need me to repeat that?

H.

Still not quite clear?  It’s a fucking H.  Now I know we’ve had our share of technical difficulties in the past and I will readily admit that Telus Mobility is single-handedly trying to ruin my social life with its unreliability but seriously?

And here’s where it all goes downhill.  And I mean really downhill.  Not like the downhill you’ve seen already but like watersliding down a zero gravity shoot downhill.  Because I can clearly CLEARLY see now that I should have just walked away (metaphorically) and deleted that retarded*(see video below) H (literally) but I’m a student of curiousity and I couldn’t fathom not finding out what the deal was.  So I responded (please save all jugement and ridicule till the end).

Me:  You might want to resend that because all I got was an H.

no response.

I decide to just call because I don’t have the patience to await a text response.

no answer.  I don’t leave a message.

Are you fucking serious?  Now don’t get me wrong…I’ve sent a text message or two to my friends and then gone into a class or a movie or something.  But seriously…to a chick you’re trying to get?  That screams stupid to me…but I digress.

15-20 minutes go by and I get a text.

Him: Hey SSD.  Sorry I’m just making dinner.  How are u?  Can I call you after I eat about an hour?

I find this mind boggling.  Not only have has he been a total fucking retard basically since right after the first date but now he texts only to then ask me to wait for him?  Why did you ever bother texting!!!???!!

But that’s not what I say.  I tell him sure.  call me at home.

And now I feel the need to reiterate something I may or may have not mentioned before that may or may not make me look like slightly less of a ridiculously stupid girl who puts up with stupid stuff and then wonders why stupid stuff keeps happening.  I had a mega love relationship.  Mega love did not conquer all.  Mega love lost.  I got over the mega love but could not be less interested in finding new mega love again right now.  I just want to date.  I’ve never really dated before.  I want to go out and have lots and lots of fun (don’t read: super slutty…I mean actual clothes on 80s summer activies fun…mini-golf go carts batting cages fun).  Thus because I’m not looking for a husband to be…I’ve set the sights a little lower…though I like to think of it as being less judgmental also known as being breezy.  Add to that the scarring first date that was the TEDisaster and you could say I might be putting up with a little more than I normally would in an effort not to have to have a first date.  now back to the show…

He calls.  It’s a little awkward at first…mainly because I don’t feel any inclination to make this particularly easy for him by being my chatty self and also because frankly I’m waiting for some kind of explanation of why he’s so ridiculous.  He doesn’t offer one up.

I was recently having a conversation with a friend who brought it to my attention that not everyone thinks like I do.  In fact most don’t.  I personally find this hard to understand (clearly I do everything the best and right way) and yet its believable (this would certainly explain other drivers) that not everybody owns a copy of my rule book (a whole other blog post forthcoming soon).  Something worth considering.  Perhaps something I should mention.

So I do mention it to him.  In a nice way.  That I can’t stand un-responsive (non-responsive, irresponsive?) people.  In hindsight I should have been even more specific…I generally feel that there is a 4 hour window for text messages that require a response.  Yes there are exceptions.  Lots of them in fact.  But if you’re trying to date me…you’d do well to get back to me quickly…it’s that simple.

I balls-out ask why he didn’t call in the last 2 weeks or more so the 2 before that.  He offers up some bullshit about figuring some stuff out and basically the jist is that he’s miserable at his job, it’s really hard on his body blah blah blah.

So here’s the thing of the thing…just as I let certain things slide because I’m not looking for a relationship…I’m also specifically NOT INTERESTED in other things.  Case in point:  him getting his life together, his trials and tribulations, you get the idea.  Now this may paint a bitchy picture of me but well…it’s not like I put long term on my dating profile and when asked I’m pretty honest…I want fun fun fun not work work work.

So we talk for a bit more.  He wants to hang out.  I explain that though last month (ya know…when he was dickin’ around with bullshit) I was free as a bird but now I’m solid booked with school for the next month…till exams are over.  He accepts this.  Tells me it’s his bday the day after my last exam.  Suggests we hang out.  (hope he doesn’t expect a present lol!).  I come to this conclusion.  I’ll be putting in no effort.  I’ll be focused on school.  If he wants to keep in touch that’s his work to do and he’s more than welcome to try.  Perhaps this is really ONLY his 2nd chance since this is the first time I really explained…this is how I operate.  We’ll see.

to be continued…

*Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One Something at a Time*

Anonymous Dating Blogger: Should I Be Out and About in Vancouver?

Dating

Okay well technically it’s directed at you…but really it’s for me.  And I apologize in advance…because funny is riding backseat for this one for sure…I’m all business.

I need help.  advice.  okay really it’s more like how I always ask everyone at the table what they’re ordering before I can make my final decision.  is that your final answer.  what are you having? that is my final answer.  I’ll have the clubhouse.

It’s not that I’m a follower.  I think it has more to do with my psychology background or further behind that my rational nature.  I like to know all the options.  Weigh all the specifics.  I’m going to need to embrace every detail before I can make the right decision.  perfectionist much? yeah I’m aware.

So now that I’m back and ready to date and blog my summer away…I’m in a quandry and it’s all about privacy…or lack thereof.

Now obviously…I’m blogging about my dating…so how interested in privacy can I be…but here’s my concerns.

Pictures?
Facebook?
Identifiability?

So the first question is really…who do you share your blog with? or specifically not share it with?  So far I’ve shared it with some close friends and some family (my bro, and a cousin) and then of course the blogger world.  I go back and forth and back and forth about whether or not to share it on facebook.  Sure my facebook is set to friends privacy etc. but it’s not like I’m BFFs with everybody on my list…there are a lot of people I went to highschool with (my biggest concern) and the occasional ex (a lesser concern) and the potential to forget and add someone I’m dating or have dated who showed up in the blog (medium concern).

Most of the time I think the super embarassing moments (like the “meat” incident) are hilarious but there are other moments where I (try not to judge me) give a shit about looking super cool to people I went to highschool with/exes/other people.  How do you other bloggers feel?  I know a lot of you are even so awesome as to put up your REAL photo and/or have actual videos (you’re my idols)…are you just super bold and confident…or did you have this same above convo with yourself before you went balls to the wall?

Should I just take a leap and who cares…be freakin’ breezy if you will?

So what is your level of privacy?
How did you come to that decision?
What are your limits in what details you share on your blog (names, photos, intimate details?)
Based on what you’ve read so far in my blog how embarassed should I be if I go mega-public?

Sidebar:  I’m also well aware I could start letting people on facebook know and my readership doesn’t increase by a single person lol so this whole point could be moot

*Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One Something at a Time*

Being Breezy: Learning Lifeskills From TV

Dating

So here’s the thing

I’ve been known to be judgmental (and I am—I own it). But the thing about judgement and me is that as quick as I am to make a judgment about someone/something, I’m just as quick to change it. I’ve also been know to be a bit rigid. I like things how I like things and so I want things how I like them. There’s a right way and a wrong way. There’s a my way or the highway. That being said, I’ve also been known to be a little hard on people. This is a characteristic I don’t necessarily like in myself.

I really began to think about this trait a lot more when I started this whole online dating adventure not so long ago. Because here’s the thing: yes, you should be honest about who you are and how you’re feeling et cetera et cetera BUT there is a time and place for everything.

AKA no need to be Regina Rules on the first text message. No need to be Cathy Control on the first phone call. And no need to be Debbie Downer on the first date. I don’t think I had to learn it, I think I’ve just always known (thanks TV and Hollywood) that guys like the Fun Gal…the relaxed and carefree lady…the up for anything low maintenance chick…AKA the Breezy Girl (fyi this is not the urban slang breezy aka beezy aka slutty chick). I mean, I just want to be the calm and relaxed super fun and exciting breezy chick of my dreams; of their dreams.

Now before you start to think “but if that’s not who you are then in the long term, I mean, they’ll figure it out and it won’t work.”

Here’s the thing of this thing.

I don’t want long term. Could not be less interested in it.

First—and I’m still not really into getting into it…But…my 6 year relationship ended a mere 6 months ago (4 months ago when I began this online dating fiasco)…and yes my heart was completely broken…and now I’m in limbo…somewhere between the uber-fun-super-party-girl-tin-man(chick)-who-was-completely-detached-from-all-emotional-attachment-to-boys-and-happy-with-it-girl that I was of my youth….and….the found-the-love-of-my-life-want-to-have-milk-chocolate-babies-and-grow-old-together-trusting-open-can-form-healthy-relationships-woman I was in the relationship.

I like to refer to it as the OverHim—but not yet—UnderAnotherHim Limbo

Second—In September 2012, if all goes according to plan—I will be starting Grad School and the thing about me and grad school is I won’t be attending it here—Hello USA or Europe…so no matter what, I’m adios and thus no long term because they only thing I want less than to get my heart broken again is to do long distance again—no thank ya!

Third—Did I mention the heart-break? So really all a girl wants to do is have some fun. I want to meet fun guys…go on fun dates…do fun things…and just get all funned up!(Read: Fun is actual fun, not code for booty call)

Ideally, I’d like to have a couple of short term relationships.

So all that being said. My Mantra.

Be Breezy

Be light and fun and spontaneous. Be up for anything and the life of the party. Be more open to novel situations and people. Be Breezy.

*Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One Something at a Time*

The Sunday Profile: Facebook Has Gone Tedanese

How to Write a Dating Profile

 

Obviously this profile is fake (in the sense that Tedski didn’t actually create it, though it was once real in the sense that I created it and it existed as a real thing but I deleted it awhile back).  Don’t ever say that I don’t love a good theme.

Teddy Tedimiah Tedanopolous  

Status:  Just Catching Some Waves and Hangin’ Ted 12 hours ago clear

Relationship Status:  It’s TEDplicated!

Activities: Tedbogganing, Downhill Tedding, Tedding water, Going to Teddy Bear Picnics, Drinking Gin and Tednics

Interests: Speaking TEDanese, Teaching Others to Speak TEDanese, Coming Up With Brilliant TEDisms

Favorite Music: Ted Zepplin, Notorious T.E.D., AC/TedC, The Rolling Teds, Tedosmith, Teds N’ Roses, Tedye West, Teyonce, Ted-Z, The Mighty Mighty Tedstones, Pink Ted, Tedi Hendrix, MeTEDica, TED2, Earth Wind and Ted, The Ted Boys, Tedgarden, ZZ Ted, Bruce Springsteen and the Ted Street Band, Jethro Ted, No Tedoubt, Ted in Chains, Teduran Teduran, The PreTEDers, The Tedson Five, Black Eyed Teds

Favorite TV Shows: Teds Anatomy, How I Met Your Ted, Law and Order: Special Teddies Unit, Teddy Ruxbin, Tedvivor, Teds Hills, Ted and the City, Everybody Loves Ted, Real Time with Bill Ted, 9021Ted, Tedrose Place, Desperate Tedwives, Gossip Ted, Tedville, The Ted Diaries, One Ted Hill, South Ted, The Big Ted Theory, Two and a Half Teds, Ted Whisperer, Ugly Teddy, Teddanah Montana, The Tedmazing Race, iTeddy, Cold Ted, Saturday Night Ted, SpongeTed Squarepants, EnTEDourage

Favorite Movies: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, The TEDshank Redemption, The Ted Father, Ted Fiction, Saving Private Ted, RataTEDouille, T for Tedetta, 12 Angry Teds, Citizen Ted, Ted of Arabia, Cool Hand Ted, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Ted, Ted Gump, Teddy Python and the Holy Grail, The Teds Must Be Crazy, Throw Ted from the Train, Tedbrynth, Don’t Tell Ted the Babysitter’s Dead, Nightmare on Elm Street: Teddy’s Revenge, Tedinator, Tedinaor 2: Judgement Ted, ATEDcalypse Now, Tedvata, Tedward Scissorhands, Ted Story 1 & 2, 2001: A Space Tedyssey, Some Like It Ted, The MalTED Falcon, Ted Flew Over the Cuckcoo’s Nest, Star Wars Episode V: The Tedster Strikes Back, Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Tedi, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Tedace, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Tedones, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Tedith, Tedfellas, Tedmary’s Baby, Little Miss Ted, A Streetcar Named Ted, Ted Club, Raiders of the Lost Ted, The TEDtrix, The Silence of the Teds, Tedface, It’s a Wonderful Ted, T.E.D. Confidential, Reservoir Teds, The Sixth Ted, Kill Ted Vol. 1, Ted for the Prosecution, Stand by Ted, Finding Tedo, TEDspotting

Favorite Books: Great Tedpectations, The Grapes of Ted, Wind in the Teddows, 198Ted, The Tedder in the Rye, The Great Tedsby, Ted and Punishment, LoliTED, Ted Eyre, Lord of the Teds, Anna Tedinina, The Count of Teddy Cristo, East of Teden, A Ted of Two Cities, The Adventures of Huckleberry Ted, Ted Quixote, A Tedwork Orange, Tedenstein, Of Mice and Teds, The Tedhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Moby Ted, The Da Teddy Code, Madame Tedvary, Tedd of the D’Ubervilles, Love in the Time of Tedera, The Old Ted and the Sea, As I Lay Tedding, ATEDment, I Tediuous, The Scarlet Tedder, Ted of Green Gables, The Ted and the Fury, Tedderbury Tales, Teddiver’s Travels, Teds Fall Apart, Gone with the Ted, Catch-Ted, Our Mutual Ted, Distant View of a MinaTed

Also…here’s a random video…from the show Better Off Ted…that’s frankly…hilarious!

Tedanese: The Final Exam

Hand Holding

 

[colored_box color=”blue”]  *If you skipped class and want to catch up you can find your lessons plans as follows:

TEDanese 101: Chapter One — Introduction and Origins
TEDanese 101: Chapter Two – Conversation and Oral History
The Sunday Profile: Facebook Has Gone TEDanese  [/colored_box]

So like I was saying, in Chapter Two…on Friday around 3pm he texts (presumably because he knows that’s when I get off from school). For our date he suggests….wait for it….wait for it….

 

A Bonfire.

 

Need me to repeat that? A Bonfire. On the beach.

Now, okay, yes, I am aware I live in Vancouver (a city notorious for its oneness with nature)

And yes, a bonfire and watching the sunset does have romance appeal

And yes, I am attempting to operate under a strict Be Breezy mantra (and yes I get the irony of strictly following advice to be relaxed and go with the flow)

But……Bonfires are illegal on Vancouver beaches…and…I…am a rule follower

But……a bonfire seems very involved and difficult to ditch if not good

But……I wanted to wear the magic hippie dress (which I did end up doing just with different shoes and a hoodie over it most of the night)

I tell myself to be breezy and agree, on the presumption that if the cops came and we had to run, he would lag back so that I could make my escape. It’s not about out running the bear after all, just the other guy you’re with (aka the bear’s next meal). So I siked myself up…this will be fun!

On the phone, Tedski had told me that he would save me a parking spot (given that this was a Friday night and he lived in Kits).  He doesn’t, however, specify whether its a street spot or garage.

(sidenote: one of my biggest online dating fears is that I won’t recognize my date from their pictures.  Tedski has 4 pictures up on his page – 2 with short hair, 2 with surfer hair).

So, I pull up to his address and he has told me that he is waiting outside.  I see a guy that looks like him standing beside a truck. S urfer hair, big nose (he had made jokes about having a big nose in earlier convos).  I smile, pull up, roll down my window, flash a sexy smile and say,

so is this my spot?

*eyelash batting eyelash batting*

No, I think I’m staying.

Um WHAT!?!  Did this dude just fucking reject me on sight???!?!  Is that his way of saying, he’s seen me, and is no longer interested? Or did he have another spot for his truck but now it’s gone. Stay breezy.

Okay I guess I’ll just find another spot round the way.

I do, oddly enough find one quite close. I walk back. Be Breezy. He’s about halfway down the block.

I smile and wave. He smiles back. I sort of mouth hey?

He’s turned and walking away to the apartment building across the street. Wtf?!?! I start to text something like…uh…did you just see me outside and…

When I realize. It wasn’t him. There is another guy standing kind of hidden between two parked cars down the way. That other guy must have thought I was a total lunatic. Great way to start a date. I walk over to greet Tedski and we hug hello (I’m a hugger).

Apparently 5’7 is the new 5’10 (lie numero uno) because when we face each other we are at the same eye level. His profile said specifically 5’10 but he is clearly the same height as me at 5’7. I am not impressed. But I smile because I’m Breezy.

He’s wearing dress pants and a leather jacket.  Who wears dress pants and a leather jacket to the beach?  I am further not impressed. But I smile because I’m Breezy.

I also smile because though judgmental, blunt and honest in general – I cannot bring myself to tell Tedski that things are not looking good. Plus I’m an optimist and am hoping the date will get better, I mean fuck, witty repartee can salvage a lot of wreckage.

He’s got a pack full of bonfire paraphenalia and other goodies and a garbage bag full of wood and paper for the fire. Now, if this was my boyfriend, or we were camping, or some other suitable situation, I would be breezy…but no joke..if it wasn’t for me standing beside him –hair all done up, make-up on point, jewellry and the magic dress in full effect—he would look like a homeless Santa Clause. Be breezy…just be…fuckin’ Breezy…breathe

So we walk to the beach and on the way stop at Starbucks…I order…he pays…I go to the ladies room…and when I come back he’s got my coffee and he bought me a cookie that I hadn’t ordered but, he said,  just in case I wanted one.  He doesn’t get anything for himself, he’s brought a couple of brewskies along

you don’t mind do you?

Sidebar: remember how earlier when I said I didn’t drink he made this cute suggestion like we’d get virgin margaritas? Now it’s not a huge deal, people drink around me all the time and its no problem…it’s the fact that he was now going to do something very unlike what he had said earlier…

We go to the beach…and this is where it starts looking up.

I had forgotten how absolutely breath-takingly beautiful vancouver really is…especially from Kits beach. The mountains twinkle with snow and lights up to the right over downtown. The water is soothing and though a bit breezy (not me, the actual air) the night is fairly warm. The Sunset is amazing.

We post up on a log to chat while we watch the sunset. He sets down a blanket. Very gentlemanly, plus I wouldn’t want to risk snagging the magic dress. He looks at me for a longer than normal but date appropriate amount of time and says “you’re really cute!”  I, of course, am made even more awkward than usual by this.

We talk and it’s pretty good. Not a whole lot of witty repartee, just mostly informative stuff like where did you grow up—how many siblings—where have you travelled—kind of stuff. I turn my head sideways and try to picture kissing him. Not a huge fan of his teeth. But good hair. I’ve mentioned I’m judgmental right? His face is pretty cute so aside from the height deception, the not great clothes, this could potentially work.

Shit. Who am I kidding. This dude is losing me all over the place.  Sure…funny can make up for almost anything.  I mean, David Spade and I’m breaking the rules. But Tedski’s no David Spade. Garbage Man had been way less funny and honestly I was way more attracted to him. But I’m Breezy so I smile and I laugh and I carry on, though I swear I’m giving my best awkward laugh but staying on this side of polite so that I don’t hurt his feelings.

He has brought an extra jacket for me (which turns out to be needed) very cute and gentlemanly but if I’m being honest not something that particularly impresses me.  I’m less, chivalry will get you everywhere, and more, being smart and funny will get you everywhere.

He builds my ego with compliments.  He builds a fire.  Don’t make fun of me but no joke, I was already checking for the PoPo.

Oh yeah…and he’s got an axe.  Yes, an actual fucking axe, on a first date, presumably for splitting wood into kindling. Or murdering dates. Either or.

The fire blazes. It gets dark. I am doing an awful lot of mountain/star/ocean gazing. The chatter takes a serious nose dive.

He says a lot of things in different accents, especially Ukranian (we both are). I don’t like accents. Generally people are not good at them. I don’t like laughing when things aren’t funny. I feel its akin to lying. I do it anyway obviously because I can’t bring myself to just sit there in the goddamn radio silence of dead air after every non-funny thing he says or does.  Breezy.

In attempts to be funny, he often breaks out into song. I am not a fan. See reasons I don’t like accents again. His voice is shockingly good but I’m not lovig it. As a shy person, someone loudly singing in a public place makes me very uncomfortable.  You know how sometimes at a party someone will bring out a guitar – yeah I hate that person.  Similar to when people sing happy birthday, the vulnerability that they’re exposing me to makes me incredibly uncomfortable.  Mostly because most of the time they suck and so we’re all just faking it along.

He says he has to go take a whizz. I get left alone by the fire. Awesome. Only he doesn’t go very far, only like 30 feet away and I’m like holy shit is this dude going to whip out his dick and take a piss this close to me!?!?   I’m horrified, but it’s dark and I don’t think he knows I can see him.

And then he pulls it out.

A cigarette.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME! (lie number 2 – his profile specifically says non-smoker)

While he’s gone a couple walks by. They ask if you’re allowed fires. I say no – point to Tedski. They ask if they can join us. I say sure.

Teddy gets back. He doesn’t seem particularly impressed. Obviously, he wanted it to be just us, but then then they offer us beer, he accepts (I decline obviously) and everybody is happy (relatively speaking).

This couple turn out to be super cute and fun. The chick is a little chubby bunny just like me. We talk about life and school and work. They ask Tedski what he does and he tells them but in this round about not really upfront kind of way. Another strike…I don’t like people who aren’t overtly open. Secrets are for losers and boring people.  Plus, it always just seems like you have something to hide which is weird and makes everyone uncomfortable.  I’m not saying you have to share your life story but if you can’t reveal your career to someone in a 10 second sentence or less than you’re probably in the wrong one.

Several times I’m listening to something the girl or guy are saying and Tedski will just start talking to me…in a voice louder than a whisper…almost as if they aren’t there…or he can’t hear them…and even often leans his head across in front of my view as if to block them from my gaze. This happens numerous times. Teddy has another beer. He’s probably just pissed we’re not having alone time…but still…there’s no excuse for being so rude. He offers me some chocolate he brought for the date. The accents and singing and lame jokes continue. Not good. Teddy has another beer (are you counting?…that’s 3…now don’t get me wrong…I can probably drink most people under the table…or at the very least used to…but this is a first date…with a chick who no longers drinks…think maybe you should tone it down?).  Plus, he’s not one of those people who becomes super awesome when they’re drinking.

Funny thing though…this couple had been together for 7 months now…and they met…wait for it…wait for it…on Plenty of Fish.

So I tell them it’s our first date. We all have a chuckle. The guy says something like “kiss her, kiss her, kiss her” – not sure if Tedski senses I don’t want to, just doesn’t want to in front of these people, or something else but thankfully he doesn’t. So fucking awkward.

Tedski pulls out a joint. No fuckin’ joke! Now don’t get me wrong…I like to get Stizzled with the best of them but on a FIRST date? When it’s NEVER even remotely come up in conversation about whether your date would be cool with it? Seriously? I smile. Be breezy. I don’t partake.

The boyfriend asks if they should leave us alone, a couple of times. Tedski says nothing and I’m all like…no worries (all the while thinking please jesus christ don’t go!!). Dude probably senses I’m super uncomfortable or that Tedski wants them to get scarce. I wonder why this guy can sense my awkwardness but not Tedski? The girl and I go and try to find a bathroom. I tell her about the date and how it’s not so great. I say please don’t leave lol! She gives me her phone number.

Eventually the fire dies down. The other couple find other wood and plan to keep it going. We pack up and leave. I nonchalantly check my watch. It feels like this is the longest date in this history of the world.  I assume it’s like 1am or something.  It’s only 930pm! We had only been about 2 hours at the beach. Christ!

He casually asks about the date. I say I had fun. I mean, what else do you say to someone’s face? I know it’s kind of lying but I can’t help it…He asks if he looks like his pictures…I say yeah because I don’t know what else to say…like maybe you should stand next to a garden gnome in your photo for better height representation? He says I look way better than my photos (which I take as a huge compliment since I think my photos are actually pretty hot!)

We’re walking back up the hill towards my car and Tedski Manor and I can feel it coming…

“so we can do one of two things…” he says “…I can walk you to your car or you can come back to my place, meet my roommate, chill out…”

I spout some nonsense about being a lady (ha!) and demurely say we’d better call it a night.

My car is parked on a hill to beat all hills. We hug goodbye and he kisses me on the cheek. I have to gather the magic dress to get in the car…and then the cross-checks me like I’m…well…some really aggressive hockey player! If this had been a date that was going well I would have been mortified but since it wasn’t…meh! Teddy then holds the door for me. I get in. I’m buckled. Ready to roll. I look at him like…okay you can shut the door now.

He mumbles something about “getting a good night….” and before my thoughts can catch up and make my head turn he’s planting a kiss on me…

Awkward smile. I think I might have laughed uncomfortably. And I’m off. Bleh! I wipe my mouth. Yes, it was closed-mouthed-no-movement-all-saliva-remaining-on-outer-lips but still I was definitely a bit grossed out and immediately drove to the grocery to buy water and do some swishing lol! Might have been a minor over-reaction but I’m not sure I’ve ever let my mouth get violated before. I just couldn’t think fast enough. Plus it was so shocking. How could he have possibly thought it was a good idea…I ended the date at 930? I mean even if I was actually “ladylike” at the very least if I liked someone I’d be like, let’s get a coffee/drink/whatever. Driving home, I think I may have even done some outloud laughing and also some “thank god”ing and woohooing that I was free of that date!

I mean, it was a total and complete TEDisaster!

20 minutes later. I get a text.

U r wonderful!

Sidebar On Me Being Judgemental and Unforgiving:
So here’s another thing of the thing…as much as I can be hard on people/judgemental/etc. I was actually really upset by the whole date.

One, because well frankly I’m disappointed that it was so awful though in hindsight, I should have been more critical of the witty repartee and seen earlier it wasn’t up to par.

Two, because it never actually occurred to me that I would have a date where they liked me and I didn’t like them back. Now I’m not an idiot, I know people don’t always like each other but I always figured if one person didn’t like the other, well it would probably be mutual, because I mean, don’t you notice if someone doesn’t like you and that saps out all the chemistry?

For whatever reason though I actually had a bit of a cry over it…no joke…on the phone with my mom…that being said…I once cried over cheese…I bought it at Safeway…along with other groceries…but it had been what I went to the store for…I was making something…paid for it…got home…they hadn’t put it in the bag. Tear fest…so I’m just saying…but yeah it was upsetting.

The next night I get a message on Plenty of Fish talking about a “great time” and “would love to get together again.” I message back and as nicely as possible convey that he’s a “great guy” but that there was “no chemistry” and “good luck”

But hey. I got a language, an ego boost, a new buddy, and some dating experience out of it.

 

Vancouver Dating Blog:  Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time

Tedanese 101: Chapter 2 – Conversation and Oral History

Uncertainty in Dating

 

[dropcap]U[/dropcap] p to this point Tedski has been confined to the wit and banter of the internet (aka messaging on plenty of fish)…it’s going well…things look promising…

He wants to hear my voice. We exchange numbers. Then texts. More witty banter.

I ask whereabouts he lives again?

He texts Kits Beach

He texts Go for a walk on the beach?

Sidebar: during the messaging phase of our courtship – he asked what I liked to do on a first date. I said coffee is good because it’s casual and low key but shooting pool is more fun and gives you something to do rather than just stare at each other, however, it’s harder to dash if things aren’t looking good. He said…the words magic to my ears…don’t worry, I’ll take care of it …so back to convo

I’m confused. It’s Wednesday. Is he suggesting that we go for a walk on the beach on our first date?

I send a text something like…depends which SomethingSheDated you want to see. If we walk on the beach, it’ll be casual SSD aka nice jeans and a hoody…if you want sexy SSD aka magic dress and gladiator sandals, she’s going to need something warmer.

Then he texted SSD the Vixen?

I texted SSD the Vamp

Sidebar: These are funnier because my name starts with V…sort of like a spinoff of the whole TEDanese thing…and turns out he was just making convo not a suggestion about the walk…

Then he texts how about 1940s SSD with boa and betty boop voice

I text 2029 SSD silver bobot bodysuit with computer voice?

He texts can i give you a call in about an hour when I get home from work…I want to hear your voice.

Time flies. Somehow I miss his call aka I was wrestling with my printer (insert numerous explicatives). He’s called from a different number. It’s his landline (nice – I rarely give that out). He’s left a voicemail. I immediately call TheHell and play it for her. She says “I like his voice.” I am all a titter with giggles, TheHell suggests I wait a bit before calling back (have I mentioned I’m incredibly shy). I wait. I call. I have a prepared speech. I plan to say the truth which was that I was wrestling with my printer. He’ll think it’s funny and conversation will ensue…here goes…

I dial. It rings. Man’s voice answers.

“Hey…is this Ted?…It’s SSD”


“Yeah…hey how’s it going?”


“Good…sorry I didn’t answer…I was wrestling with my printer”

Silence

“Uh…who is this?”


“It’s SSD, isn’t this TED?” (didn’t I ask that already?!?!)


“Oh…okay wait…I’ll go get the lad…”

(my mind is spinning….Lad? Did he just say lad?…spinning…Holy shit…that did kind of sound like an old man’s voice…spinning…I should hang up…spin spin spinning out…yes hang up…you are not about to date a 37 yr. Old that lives with his parents…yes…just…hang…)

“Hello?” (Shit!)

So I answer. Turns out it was his roommate (not father lol!). Also turns out his roommate has basically the male version of my name so he probably just heard me say my name originally and that’s why he thought it was for him. All and all a cute story but yikes embarassingly awkward. We talk. He’s an excellent conversationlist. There are occasional corny moments but lots of laughter.  We learn about families, travelling, where we’ve both lived, etc.etc.etc.  We talk for half an hour. Make plans for Friday. He suggests perhaps a live band, maybe a nice lounge…either way…a step up from coffee for sure.  I’m very excited.

On Thursday there are some cute messages on POF. Then Thursday night he calls. Could be just because I’m busy with school, but I feel it’s a smidgeon overkill. Then I metaphorically slap myself. Bitches are crazy! We want them to be responsive, communicative and keep me posted on plans. But then they do and I find it smothering. You really can’t win with me lol! So I cut him some slack.  Though he may have chipped just a tinsy tiny bit off my excitement sculpture.

On Friday around 3pm he texts. He knows that’s when I get off school. For our date he suggests….

 

Vancouver Dating Blog:  Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time

Tedanese 101: Chapter 1 – Introduction and Origins

Dating

 

[dropcap]I [/dropcap]get a message on Plenty of Fish.

His screen name starts with “Texas” (is it too much to hope for that he might BE from Texas aka did I mention I have a thing for southern boys). It is. It’s just a nickname from childhood.

He’s messaged me before but I deleted it…however…things are not going well with Garbage Man (this occurs after our 2nd date and sometime in the weeks of screwups that follow). This time he says something funny and well…he seems to think I’m funny (bonus) and frankly it’s time I was more “open and breezy” and got myself moving on some more dates…I mean…so what if he’s only 5’10 right? That’s still taller than me by 3 whole inches…he’ll still be the man.

Sidebar: I have this policy about height. I’ve broken it in the past. I would break it for David Spade and Zach Galifianakis. But here’s the thing. I’m big. (height I’m 5’7) but I’m a chubby bunny if you will. So like I said, I’m big…so the guy has to be tall…otherwise I look like the guy and that’s just well…not good.

We talk over several messages and days. All the logistical stuff seems good. He appears to be partying it up (this takes place during the time the Olympics were here) and yet when I mention that I don’t drink anymore, he acts super cool and suggests virgin margaritas which makes me very pleased.

I ask him his name. Ted. He starts signing his messages in variations. Tedski. Tederino. This is the beginning of TEDanese. I haven’t officially decided if I think it’s funny. I tell TheHell about this new development and even as I’m regaling this quirk, it becomes funnier. So I start addressing messages to variations as well…Hey Notorious T.E.D…What’s up TEDinator?…you get the idea.

Only it spreads. It becomes a language. Has a life of it’s own.

TheHell and I start talking to each other in this newly developed language. “How was your day?” “It was TEDtastic!” “Like my new shoes?” “They’re TEDmazing!”

Even her hubs begins to pick up the language and offers this TEDzinger! “If it doesn’t work out between Ted and SSD, at least they could have a TEDtonic friendship”

I tell Ted none of this. We carry on chatting. And then it gets witty.

He makes some reference to “How was my weekend? And did I do anything borderline illegal? This becomes a running joke. He asks me out but it ends up getting postponed because he has to go plant trees (he’s a landscaper). He postpones with plenty of notice so I don’t sweat it (plus TheHell had dinner plans if the date didn’t happen). I make a joke that my best buddy will be pleased…she was hoping I’d be free to help her with a bank robbery this weekend and now I’m all freed up 😛 Thanks for letting me know…maybe you can be my “one phone call” when we get caught…I wonder how you look in a getaway car (for next time?)

He says something like I look very comfortable in a getaway car…stealing makes me horny

I choose to let the horny thing slide and continue the joke boy did you pick the wrong weekend to be out of town then, we’ll be stealin’ money from banks…hearts from boys…and bibles from hotel rooms…it’s practically a spree

He asks if we’ll be stealing beauty from debuntantes? (This one line may have been the decider about whether or not to go out with him…I thought it was brilliant!)

I say we’ll be stealing angst from teenagers, food from models, groupies from rockstars, number 17 from Bingo parlors countrywide, luck from lottery players and the hopes and dreams of 20something males at nightclubs.

He says would really love to meet you! We’ll have some laughs and blow kisses to the peasants

 

Vancouver Dating Blog:  Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time

Houdini Returns: Authorities Close Case on Garbage Man

Head Desk

[dropcap]Once upon a time [/dropcap]…moderately long ago, there was a magic man named Houdini.  He had a talent for being the date whisperer, peddling wild tales of magic, and performing his wizardry all through the lands of Vancouverdom.  After wooing the beautiful (and modest) princess, Something She Dated, on that wild and crazy web of interconnected-ness, they had a magical first date.  Shortly after, Houdini caught the plague that was spreading like wild fire across these here parts.  But SSD was in a trance, held by what she believed were his charms and witty repartee, but in hindsight was simply a state of neutrality that comes with not being a total douche (aka he was just an average knight – no shining armor).  So she waited for him to heal.  Like Rapunzel dangling her hair out the window, SSDated dangled texts about her kissing having been known to cure illness.  They giggled and he got better.  Then on their second date they went hunting and he shot a Bison (or at least she thought that was what happened…at the very least she knew there had been a lot of talk about meat.  Sadly, in the few weeks that followed, Houdini lived up to the connotations of his magician’s name and disappeared.  Was it faulty lines of communication (horses with broken hooves, bandits in the forest intercepting messages, a flood leaving the town in total choas?), or just a case of a knight with tarnished armor and a princess under his spell?

So after the second date aka “more meat and less greet” I still had hopes that Houdini aka Garbage Man and I might carry on and have some fun. Shocking I know, and in hindsight, so shameful. Try to bear in mind that after six years of lockdown and an arsenal of subpar flirting skills (the best of which include, “you’re cute…shall we make out?”) I was in desperate need of dating experience.

To be blunt, Garbage man was like a workout. I was flexing my dating muscles and getting my flab in shape. First dates were like push ups, first kisses like lat pulls and you could say I was hoping to get in a lunge or two.

1st Friday since Meat Date
He texts – Want to hang out tonight?
I text back – busy, tomorrow night?
He texts back – dinner with mom, don’t know when I’ll be back.
I don’t respond. 4 hours go by (I’m sure it becomes obvious I will not be responding lol!).
He texts again – Hey Sexy, I would really love to spend some time with you tomorrow night.
I cave, sort of.
I text back – Give me a shout when you’re back and if I’m free we’ll hang out.

Saturday
Night arrives, whooshes past and sticks its tongue out at me in the rear-view, no contact ever comes.

Sunday
He texts. I only respond because I’m curious after leaving me in the lurch last night why even bother?
So I ask How was your weekend?
He texts Really sucky because I didn’t get to see you.  The rest of his message is, long story short, all about phone unreliability and I start to wonder why didn’t he just call…ya know…like dial actual numbers instead of texting???

Wednesday
More yaketty yak about mobile dysfunction (something about dropping it and it shorting out) *eyes roll* but asks about hanging out this weekend. I suggest Friday.

2nd Friday since Protein Extravaganza
The plan is to hang out Friday night, only he gets back to me too late. He originally asked on Wednesday and then when I responded for details…silence…he logs on numerous times but doesn’t respond till Friday afternoon (is he shitting me???) asking to hang out that night or if not on Saturday. Obviously I message back…I’ve got plans tonight….I’ll message you tomorrow.

Saturday
He logs onto POF (yes I check lol!  He has me saved as a favorite so obviousloy I check duh!) at 10am. I message at noon – Hey Garbage, you still want to hang out tonight?

Whoosh
Houdini
Cloud of Smoke
Disappearing Act
Like a Fairy Tale

And then nothing…
He doesn’t log in all week…

3rd Friday since Bison Ball
Get an email from Plenty of Fish announcing message from Garbage Man. Don’t bother reading it…yet; I had decided not to do anything “dating” related because of major schoolwork crunch all weekend. (lol I also may have asked TheHell to change my password until Monday just in case I got tempted).

Monday
Check the message. It’s some more yaketty yak about phone bullshit. This time it’s water spilled or something. Normally I wouldn’t be so hard on someone but this smells like Garbage (man). I mean Come On! He asks in the saddest English possible, “Am I ever wanting to talk to him?” My response (and likely only occurred due to my curiosity to hear his response not because there’s actually a chance it matters)…

“Depends. Is this recent flakiness simply a symptom of unfortunate technological malfunctioning or is it a personality trait?”

The silence can be heard around the world lol! And that my friends is the end of the Garbage Man/Houdini as he disappeared like a pfft! of smoke. I’ve put the bags in the bin, closed the lid on the can, and wheeled it out into the street for pickup.

(Fairy Dust Settles in Vancouverdom)

W

                           hen the Princess awoke from the enchanting spell placed on her by Houdini, she was refreshed and ready to be courted again. Hopefully the next time she would be a little wiser, a little more protective of her time and perhaps ready to date a vegetarian.

*Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One Something at a Time*

How to Write an Online Dating Profile: A Vancouver Dating Blogger’s Profile

Dating

Sometimes this blog will offer you advice (like how to write an online dating profile).  Other times it will just be me, showing you who I am and what I’m doing while I’m on this crazy journey.  I don’t have all the answers, but I have some, and I have even more questions.  And with that, I give you, my current dating profile on Plenty of Fish.

Interests:

Raspberry Jam  **  the Ability to Walk and Chew Gum at the Same Time  **  Astronomy
a Mexican Song About Housecoats and the Consonants F and H  **  Road Trips  **
Making Out Under Bleachers  **  the Antiquated Term for a Sexual Attraction to Physicists
**  the Proper Response to the Question “where is the baby?”  **  Chuck Norris Facts  **
Friday Night Lights  **  Wit and Sarcasm  **  Big Bang Theory  **  Mind Trap Trivia  **
Magic 8 Balls  **  The Nationalistic High-Five Between Two People of Ukrainian Descent
**  Dos Equis Men  **  Things that Rhyme with Lasagna  **  Drinks with Cherries in Them
Vegas in General  **  Vegas Specifically  **  Atheism  **  Pyrohy  **  Red Toe Nails  **
Dance Moves Involving 8 Consecutive Steps & Ending in Jazz Hands **  My Get Ready Shirt
**  Repetition  **  Repetition  **  Reasons I Would Never Trade You My Jell-O Pudding Cup
**  Reading  ** Writing  **  Making Lists  **  Making Lists of Lists **  Pitching No Hitters
Dusk  **  Inside Jokes  **  Driving on Highways  **  Board Games  **  Shirley Temples  **

About Me:

1. I have magical skills and an extensive knowledge of medical textbooks.

2. With an elastic band, a piece of gum and a thesaurus, I’m pretty sure I can make a party dress.

3. I once stopped global warming by thinking really really hard about icicles, but then I went tanning and it all fell apart. Sorry.

4. I hold actual medals for my charade skills though I’m a complete novice at strip poker.

5. My favorite game is Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock

6. I’m pretty sure I’m Russian Royalty (based mainly on my ability to submerge in icy cold waters for lengthy periods of time).

7. I’ve been known to wear a light on my ass while camping lest I get lost in the forest.

8. I can be found in Wikipedia under “awesome” synonym “rad”

9. After getting a speeding ticket, I once cried unicorn tears and the ticket tore itself up

10. I like to spend my days pondering why melted butter tastes better than solid butter? and why the doors to squash courts are so ridiculously short?

11. I’m ALWAYS with the DJ

12. Santa is well aware I want a Zack Morris cell phone but he’s punishing me because I ate his cookies back in ’96 (and ’87, ’92, ’99, and 2004)

13. Every time I smile an angel gets her wings, and by angel I mean stripper and by wings I mean hundreds

14. Riddle me this…if I get on a train in Venice at 6pm and you get on a plane in New York at 10am, what continent does Russia belong to?

15. I once ate ketchup as a meal

16. The words swab, gauze and panty really gross me out though I’m a huge fan of lozenge and racoon (which I pronounce RAH!-coon not raa-coon)

17. I used to think those Axe commercials were all fake marketing, I now know different

18. I can say “Chubby Bunny” 10 times with 12 marshmallows in my mouth

First Date:

Painting our faces and going to a game   or   Just getting some starbucks and pointing out constellations to each other (I call Orion and Mars!)

*Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One Something at a Time*

Law and Order: Dockett Number 492801: People vs. Garbage Man

Head Desk
The following story is non-fictional
and depicts actual people and events.

(deep voice over)    In the Criminal Justice System, the People are represented by two seperate yet equally important groups;  the Police who investigate crime and the District Attorny (Crown Counsel in Canada) who prosecute the offenders.  These are their stories.

Dun! Dun! (Law and Order sound)
Trial Part 4 
Opening Arguments
Febrauary 20, 2010

Crown:               In summation, I intend to prove that the defendant, Garbage Man, has committed the
crime of  “aggravated assault on future dates”. Pursuant to a conviction by guilty
verdict We, the people, will be seeking damages in the case against TELUS Mobility
Canada for “conspiracy to disrupt relationship formations” to the tune of $10, 000.
(for unreliable mobile service).

Dun! Dun!
Trial Part 19 
Febrauary 20, 2010

Crown:                Court reporter, would you please read aloud the messages which occured the day
after SSD’s “breezy” phone call.  These messages occured between Garbage Man
and SSD on http://www.plentyoffish.com/, submitted as exhibits F and G in evidence.

Court
Reporter:             (reading aloud in monotone 80s computer voice)

Gman:                 All better. Have dinner plans Friday, want to hang out afterwards? You could come
to my place or I could drive out to yours maybe? I’m busy rest of weekend. Our
mobile phone companies are incompatible (read: TELUS sucks). Bye Sexy.

SSD:                    Sounds good. I’ll come to your place (SSD specified that she answered the
message accordingly because she hasn’t given him her home phone number yet
so she certainly was not letting him come over to her house). When were you
thinking?

Gman:                  Dinner is 7, so maybe 830 or 9?

SSD:                     9 is good. What’s your address again?

Gman:                 I’m really looking forward to seeing you again. (sighing and “ahh”ing from the
gallery)  Would it alright if we made it 930? Gives address.

SSD:                    Yeah 930 is fine. Cya then.

(Court reporter is excused and SSD is sworn in)

Crown:               (looking at SSD)  and were you on time?

SSD:                 Well not exactly…you see I spent too much time primping and didn’t leave my house till
9pm…uh…and it’s about a 45 min drive to Gman’s place…and then the highway was shut
down because of a huge accident…and so I had to take this endless detour…but…but…I
called him…(trails off)

Crown:               Please describe the conversation

SSD:                  Well…can I have immunity first please…because I risked calling illegally from my cell
because I didn’t have hands free set up yet)

Crown:               Granted…continue

SSD:                  Okay so it was like this…I called Gman and was like…blah blah traffic…blah blah
unavoidable…blah blah sorry…

Then he was like “You’re pretty punctual usually though aren’t you?”

Then I was like…(Flashback to first date and being a couple minutes late)…uh…yeah
I guess…sometimes I’m late though…(awkward laugh)…

And he was like…(not said in soothing voice, but more disappointed parental tone)…
oh well what can you do…if there’s an accident there’s an accident…blah blah blah
…cya soon…then I hung up.

Crown:               and how did that make you feel, SSD?

SSD:                  Honestly I almost turned around and drove home. I mean Fuck this…oops *blush*
excuse my language Judge…so I was like forget this…I mean the proper response when
someone calls to tell you that they’re going to be late is…(even if it means sucking it up
and faking it)…no worries that’s fine…take your time and drive safe. I mean…we
barely know each other…not to mention he had been the one pushing the time
back earlier anyway right?

Crown:               and so did you turn around?

SSD:                  No. (sighs).  I figured I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Plus I’d just spent like
2 hours primping for him…so I wasn’t going to waste it.

Crown:               Tell us what happened when you arrived at his house.

SSD:                 So when I get to his house, admittedly it is almost 10:30pm and I felt hugely embarrassed
that I was so late…even though mostly it wasn’t my fault…and super awkward because
of how he acted on the phone…plus hello! second date jitters…and then I knocked on the
door…and he pokes his head out just a smidge…and I guess he was trying to be funny
but I kept thinking…yeah…we’re not tight like that yet that joking in an awkward
situation is a good idea…and then…you wouldn’t believe it?!?!

Crown:              Oh, do tell us…please go on…

SSD:                  He was wearing jogging pants!!!

(Gasps are heard around the courtroom. Whispers, pointing and laughter ensue. Judge brings down gavel several times asking for “order!”)

Crown:               And you were shocked at this drastic change in attire from the first date?

Defence:             Objection! Leading the witness!

Judge:                 Sustained

Crown:               I’ll rephrase. What was your reaction to his attire?

SSD:                  I couldn’t freakin’ believe it! I had just spent 2 hours getting myself all super-sexified and
girly and he’s wearing sweat pants? I mean come on! And the thing is, it’s not like I’m
anti-sweat pants…heck I wear them myself when I’m at home…but this was supposed to
be our second date. A Date for Christ’s sake!! And yes…I know…the date did take place
at his humble abode but that does not make practically wearing pyjamas acceptable.
Plus, what moron thinks he’s getting laid in sweat pants???

Defence:             Objection! The witness is using prejudicial characterizations of my client!

Judge:                 Overruled! Defendant wore sweatpants on a date…calling him a moron is not a
characterization it’s a fact.

Crown:                Tell us what happened next SomethingSheDated…

SSD:                    Well…uh…I was so distracted by the whole phone call plus weird door opening plus
jogging pants that I barely said anything for the first…like half hour. Plus he didn’t
even have a movie or something planned to watch. He was watching the Olympics
when I showed up…and so we just kept watching them.

Crown:                Thank you, that is all.  The prosecution rests. Your witness.

Defence:              So had you and the defendant discussed what would be happening on this second date?

SSD:                   Well…uh…no…I mean…I assumed…

Defence:              (interrupting) Ha! You assumed!

Crown:                Objection! Badgering the witness you Honour!

Judge:                  The defence will please let the witness answer the question. Go ahead SSD…you may
continue.

SSD:                    so yeah…uh…I just assumed that he was aware that effort was required. I mean…I
figured after how amazing our first date had been…the second date would at least
attempt to compare…

Defence:              and the date did take place in his “home” and you after all said you wear sweatpants in
your “home” did you not?

SSD:                    Yes…but not when getting frisky is a possibility…

Defence:              And did you get frisky?

Crown:                 Objection!

Judge:                  Overruled…please tell us about the frisky activities (judge rests chin on elbows and
upturned palms and leans towards witness, very pervy-like)…yes do tell us all the
details!

SSD:                     (blushing) yada yada yada making out yada yada yada shirts off yada yada yada
uncircumcised yada yada never seen one before yada yada not ready to have sex
yet yada

Defence:                 So…besides the attire…did he do anything else that “turned you off” or would
prevent future copulations?

SSD:                     Well (looks up quizzically and scrunches face)….he did sort of talk about meat during a
lull…

Gallery:                  (numerous voices) He did what? (Laughter) Can you imagine? (Laughter) What kind of
meat? (Laughter)

Judge:                    QUIET! Or I’ll have you all in contempt! Witness will continue and please…specify the
meat in question…

SSD:                      Well it was sort of after he found out he wasn’t going to get laid that night…but
before he figured out he could get a bit further than he already had…and we were
just talking and he brought up the fact that he had had sushi for dinner with a guy
from work…and then he was talking about eating healthier blah blah…and then he
started talking about how he’s started eating Bison…

Defence:                 (interrupts with laughter) Bison? Seriously?

SSD:                       yes! (Annoyed) Bison!

Defence:                 and yet…you still let him get further with you?

SSD:                       well…yeah…I mean…we kind of laughed at the topic and then got it on again…

Defence:                 The defence rests.

Judge:                     The witness may be excused.

Dun! Dun!
Trial Part 36
Closing Arguments
February 20, 2010

Defence:               The Crown has not been able to prove its burden for the crimes charged. At best, they
may argue that my client gave future dates a dirty look but certainly not “aggravated
assault”. In addition, my client lacks the intelligence to formulate the “intent to cause
confusion” about whether or not he likes the witness.

Crown:                  The Defence has spun tales about the appropriateness of casual attire and tried to
distract you with notions of “the clothes do not make the man”. They have claimed
that abuse using the weapons of bad pants and meat talk are not vigorous enough to
justify an “aggravated assault” charge but they forget this comes after the weeks of
pummelling, while my client waited to hear about the defendant’s health and a second
date. Finally the defence asserts that the accused lacks the intelligence to intentionally
cause confusion, which in itself proves his guilt in “grand stupidity”. They cannot have
it both ways. The jury must convict this man before he causes further harm to
innocent daters everywhere. It is your duty!!

Dun! Dun!
Trial Part 45
Verdict
February 20, 2010

Judge:                        And does the jury have a verdict?

Presiding Juror:         We do your Honour.

Judge:                         And what say you

Presiding Juror:        On the charge of “aggravated assault on future dates” we find the defendant guilty.
We would also like to make the recommendation to the Court, that the charges be
ammended to include “intent to cause confusion” and “grand stupidity”.

Judge:                         That is highly unusual…hmm

Presiding Juror:        We know, Your Honour, but we felt that it was justified to speak out on behalf of
the victim.

Judge:                        Very well…the Crown is advised to consider the jury’s statements for future
charges.  And how say you on the charge of “conspiracy to disrupt relationship
formations” in cahouts with TELUS Mobility.  On the issue of damages, we
award the claimant, SSD, on behalf TELUS Mobility, a total of $10,000 for
time wasted and anxiety and uncertainty suffered.

Judge:                        Deputies, please remove the defendant. The Court would like to thank the jury for
its time.  Court is adjourned.

*Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One Something at a Time*