Sex and Dating: How Cum I’m Making Him Wait?

In this day and age of sexual liberation (or at least our attempt at it), why do women still make men wait to have sex?

I obviously can’t speak on behalf of all women.  However, as much as I would like to think I’m the unique little star that my mother thinks I am, it’s probably a fair assumption that my reasons and logic are not unique to me.

I should probably preface this by offering up some personal-sexual context: I love sex, I’m not waiting for marriage (obviously), I’m an atheist so I have no religious qualms, I’m decently/highly educated (2 BAs, 1/2 way through MA), the only parental issues I have could only be described as being too loved/highly valued (if that’s even a thing), I write about sex and dating so I’m obviously not shy about the subject, and advocating for the sexual freedom of women is my resting point.

I was recently listening to a podcast (@DatePod) with April Macie and Shane Mauss and (guests comedian Pete Holmes and Vanessa Zima [who btw apparently has an anonymous dating related Twitter which I hope finds me one day]), and Shane noted that “women have higher consequences for having sex”.

This is, of course, very true.  If a woman gets pregnant, a man can leave with almost no effort.  For a woman to leave, she would either have to have an abortion, or wait the 9 months and then leave the baby (at which point decisions like adoption, etc. would be involved), and this doesn’t factor in any of the emotional consequences of a pregnancy either.

But what if protection and birth control are fully utilized? (and this is where my experience comes in because as a highly educated, privileged, atheist, liberal white female, my chances of unexpected/unwanted pregnancy are extremely low).

So, why do I wait (or have the desire to wait) to have sex when dating someone I like?

 

Orgasms.

 

Women have to work harder to achieve orgasms.

 

Now, clearly, this is a blanket statement that won’t apply to every woman and it doesn’t mean that men never struggle to achieve orgasms either (do they? I have no idea, I’ve heard about guys faking before but I don’t have any data so I’ll just have to assume it’s a possibility at this point).  All that being said, I think with the rampancy that is the “faked female orgasm” it’s safe to say that the female orgasm, at the very least, requires more effort.

And yet, many (most? some?) women have very satisfying sex lives in relationships (and outside of them too maybe?) so it’s not as if men are always insufficient sexual partners.  And now is probably also a good time to mention that I’m not actually saying that men are total selfish assholes (necessarily); I’m open to the possibility that this is social conditioning, something that has occurred through evolution, other possibilities.  At this point, simply because I’m not a man, nor have I done any replicable scientific research, I have no idea why this phenomenon occurs.  All I can say is that in the experience of myself, and many that I have consulted, it does.

Here is my blunt take based on my own sexual experience and the sexual experiences of my friends and anyone willing to talk to me about their sex life:  having sex early in a relationship is less (physically) satisfying for women as our orgasms require more effort and men are more-often-than-not-initially shitty lovers.  Did I just say lovers?  Anyway.

Sure, yes, there are men who won’t be total shit at first.

Sure, yes, there are those lucky bitches who require almost no effort to get off.

Sure, yes, some other thing that I’m probably forgetting to consider.

But, let’s assume for a moment that the man in question is of the average and not the aberration and that the woman in question is like me and the vast majority of women who I’ve discussed this with – why is this the case, then?

In my experience, when having sex with a man who you are not yet in some kind of relationship (relationship being used here to denote anything with a reasonable expectation and desire of both parties for future pursual) is often less than satisfying for any of the following reasons:

 

  • He rushes (from making out to penetration in 60 seconds flat [minor exaggeration])
  • He doesn’t understand that female bodies are different (from his own and from other women)
  • He doesn’t care if I get off
  • He’s insecure about me using a vibrator as well (aka he only wants me to get off if it comes at purely his doing)
  • He doesn’t know me well enough yet to know what I like
  • He doesn’t care enough to ask what I like
  • He’s too excited to bother asking what I like
  • He rushes my orgasm (aka he’s been mislead by porn, in which the majority of women are either faking their orgasm or are simply one of those lucky ladies mentioned above who got off with a stiff breeze, into thinking that I’m immediately cumming within seconds of his dick being inside me)

And I’m not above noting my own onus:

  • As confident as I am, with men who haven’t a clue it can be very hard to speak up for fear of being seen as overbearing, a ball buster, as if there is something wrong with me and/or my body, etc.
  • Most men don’t offer up going down immediately but even so this would be comparable with fellatio and thus still potentially something that comes before sex (depending on your views of the subject)

 

Now, one question you might have is why would I have sex with someone who doesn’t care if I get off (and the answer is obviously I wouldn’t knowingly, and that’s a big part of why I wait).  Additionally, many men who want to have sex with you but not necessarily form a committed relationship don’t appear to be on the same par with me (being able to care about them as a person, a human being who I would want joy to come to, regardless of my desire to pursue a relationship).

The truth is this, getting to know someone and getting comfortable enough to tell them all the things that get you off takes time (or the ability to be that secure and open, which most people aren’t – could you tell a stranger your weirdest sexual fantasy at a coffee shop? no. right.).  And while I would love love LOVE to be able to have amazing mind-blowing orgasmic sex with someone right away, that almost never happens.

And before anyone suggests, well you can’t know unless you try…THAT IS SOME STUPID FUCKING ADVICE.  If there is an electric fence in front of me and I touch it and it shocks me, I would be an idiot to think I could touch it again and it might not shock me.  Sure, the possibility exists that it was an aberration (sign stating: electric fence, to the contrary), or that there could’ve been a power outage in the time it took me to nurse my first wound, but these are so absolutely fucking slim that logic tells me it’s not worth the risk.

So while I probably will falter, have sex too soon, let my hormones and desires get the best of me, the truth is the reason I wait, the reason I TRY to wait, is that most men outside of relationships really suck at sex (initially).  And I get it, if I were a guy who could cum like it was nothing, yes I would have no problem fucking right away.

 

So I guess what I’m saying is this, I know I’m not going to change the world of men fucking, but it would be nice if once in awhile men didn’t always assume that I’m not having sex with them right away because I’m following some antiquated notion about “the rules of dating” or fall into some bullshit self-judgment over the liberation of my sexuality.

 

I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME CUM.

The reason I’m not fucking you yet is because it won’t be good for me.

 

 

*Though my dating record may suggest I’ve had sex with nothing but losers, I assure you, there were some very good ones in there, a 6 year long sexually fulfilling relationship included, but even so, these admittedly blanket statements are based upon the extensive experiences of numerous friends and thus while still not scientific do include a large sampling of men.

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Victoria Young

Writer. Dater. Masturbator. Don't worry my parents don't think I'm funny either. Grad Student. My breasts aren't ashamed of me either. You and me kid, we're going to change this world.

1 Comment

  1. Monique

    July 29, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    I love this article! Because my site is all about this topic, I’ve heard most of the arguments pro and con so far, but I’ve never heard this one… Great points, true points, I give you lots of points! (BTW, I’m going to repost this on my site http://howlongyoushouldwait.com . I’ll tweet at you when I do it.)