He Sucks, She Sucks, We All Suck Vancouver

Dating

 

[dropcap]The truth is[/dropcap] I hadn’t planned to write anything.  I was busy with school and papers and grad school apps etc.  But there came a point when I just couldn’t bite my tongue anymore and the things that were being said…well…just seemed…so…totally and completely off the fucking mark.  And with that, here is my “response” to the 2 articles stirring up a dating storm in Vancouver (though you don’t have to read them to understand my post, I don’t think…): Do Vancouver Men Suck & Do Vancouver Women Suck, A Reader’s Response

 

Dear Vancouver,

I hear it all the time.  I experience it myself.  Dating in Vancouver sucks.  And according to this article, we might just be able to get away with blaming the men.  And to be honest, I completely agree, men in Vancouver absolutely suck.  But then again so do the women.  See that’s the thing about being dicks.  Just because you’re one doesn’t mean I’m not one too.  And the same goes for the gender issue brought up in this article.  Just because men here suck at dating, and possibly life, doesn’t mean women don’t too.  And while I know I’ve just thrown a truckload of double negatives your way, I want to make something perfectly clear.  I agree with the article.  I disagree with the article.  I think it said some things worth saying.  I think it missed the mark completely.  So ya know.  Crystal clear right?

The problem with dating in Vancouver is actually pretty simple.  Well, at least knowing what the problem is, is simple, everything else like how it got this way and how to change it…well those are up for grabs.  But here it is, this is what I know about dating in Vancouver:

1.  Vancouver Men are Pansies
2.  Vancouver Women are Bitches
3.  Everybody is still fucking
4.  We’ve become the “American School System of Dating”

Just so we’re clear.  I don’t have all the answers.  But I do know that dudes here are pansies.  Full stop.  And I know it’s politically incorrect.  And I know reverse-gender oppression and all that.  But the truth is, if I wanted to date someone more feminine than me, I’d pick a chick…they’re much prettier and smell nicer.  I want a man.  I want a man who can grow a full beard.  I want a man who’s balls are too big to wear skinny jeans.  I want a dude who knows how to make a decision, was smart enough to do something with his life, has a plan and takes some action.  Truth is I want more than this, but this will suffice for the moment.

 

1.  Vancouver Men are Pansies.
Men in Vancouver are shy.  And quiet.  The only time I ever see any aggression is in the most negative of ways, bar fights, street fights, etc.  Ironically the exact things that are working against getting them laid, which is what all that fighting is about isn’t it…sexual frustration?  And while you can try to claim that men are like this in every city I assure you, it’s simply not true.  And I’m not a ten, so you can’t blame it on that either.  I can go anywhere in the States, and boys are talking to me.  Spain and they’re hollering down the street.  When I was in Paris, I had a Chef (in his full Chef get-up) leave his restaurant and come across the street into the launder-mat I was using and chat me up…and he didn’t even have any laundry!  The list goes on.  But in Vancouver, it’s few and far between.  And most of the time I’m not even certain they’re chatting me up.

And that’s out in public.  People claim the internet is so different and online dating is so easy and guys will say anything.  This is true.  To some extent.  While I won’t get into the idiocy that are the messages of Vancouver men (that’s…uh…basically the rest of this blog)…I will say that this lack-of-assertiveness translates onto the net as well.  While here in Vancouver I get anywhere between 0-5 messages a day, and at least 80% of those are bullshit like hot tiiiiiiiiiiits and messages that make you think you’re Drowning in a Sea of Idiocy, this isn’t the case in every city.  And how do I know??  Because I’m a woman who appreciates a little Science and Dating and who doesn’t love a good experiment.

So, one day I changed my dating profile, just for the day, to say Boston (since, after all I am considering grad school there, might as well see what’s up with the dating).  And within that one single day I had over 50 messages, at least 75% of which were eloquent and interesting.  Now it’s not perfect science, perhaps Vancouver is small and we have to factor in that I was a “new” profile in Boston and not in Van but still, that’s a pretty huge increase.  We simply can’t ignore it. [Update: the messages are just as fucking stupid in Montreal (see my SSDated instagram for proof), so clearly I just need to move to Boston *half joking*]

So to sum up.  Vancouver men are more feminine than men in other cities and I have no idea why.  Vancouver men are shy and less likely to approach a woman, in public or online, and I have a partial idea why.  And that’s how we get to point number two.  Vancouver women are bitches.

 

2. Vancouver Women are Bitches.
Now ladies, before you start freaking out on me…I love you.  To me??  Oh well, to me you’re fucking lovely, amazing, sweethearts, princesses, best ever, love ya…but to guys…well…um…it can get a little rough.  You see the thing is, the whole dating in Vancouver situation is a bit of a snowball.  Because here we are moaning about how guys don’t approach us or talk to us, but when they do, we suddenly become the Simon Cowells of dating…critical bitches, yo.  He’s gay.  He’s too feminine.  Ugh, hipster.  He’s weird.  He’s creepy.  He’s too short.  and the list goes on.  And while I also, don’t really want to date a short feminine hipster who’s a little bit weird or creepy and may or may not be gay…it might be a good idea if I don’t treat him like shit because

a. he’s human
b. he might be a fucking genius (which aside from the gay possibility, could really negate all that other stuff for me) (see #4 coming up) and
c. who knows if he ends up being the most amazing person you’ve ever known and the whole hipster thing is just a phase.
d.  or maybe turns out you love hipsters
e.  or maybe or maybe or maybe…have a fucking imagination…and imagine the possibilities

Plus, in the interest of sisterhood, shouldn’t we all be particularly kind and pleasant to any fellow interested in talking to us, if only to help propagate a species of males who regularly approach chicks in Van?  THINK OF YOUR SISTERS!!


That being said, I take you back to the point above where I mentioned that half the time a boy is chatting me up, it’s so timid and feeble I assume he just wants us to be besties.  And I’m almost certain during the conversation he hasn’t once considered all the dirty things I might be able to do with my mouth (Sidenote:  To be clear he should never SAY any of the dirty things he thinking till at least some of them have been put into action, I mean Social Protocol, yo, but still…he should be thinking them…if he wants me, I mean).

That being said, girls in Vancouver are fickle bitches.  I can’t tell you how many times girls complain about how dudes dress.  But here’s the thing ladies…you can’t ask for a man in a suit and be disappointed when he’s metrosexual.  And you can’t ask for a dude that puts effort into his outfit and then be disappointed when he shows up in skinny jeans and $200 high tops…which you can be damn sure he put some thought into.  So the next time you want to complain about how a guy dresses, just remember that you’re actually asking him to tuck his little purse of man coins (cajones, nuts, love lockets, berries, wedding tackle, etc.) just a little bit further away from you and hey if you’re cool with that then cool.  It’s not my business.  But don’t come crying to me while I love a man with a full beard and a baseball cap (and pants large enough to let his man marbles breathe) ready to talk science and fuck me senseless…uh…er…something like that.  Basically ladies…stop asking for a Pretty Prince when you want a King.  Because you can’t have both.  And the next time some dude says what’s up…give him a shot.  I’m not saying you need to sell your soul or makeout with him in public.    But give the dude a go.  You never know when it turns out he has a PhD. in something other than his pants (though that’s fun too).

 

3.  Everyone is Still Fucking.
Vancouver is a city you can get laid in.  No doubt.  100%.  No question.  Maybe it’s because we’re liberal.  Maybe it’s because the clubs here suck and what else are you going to do but grind up on someone else.  Maybe it’s because we’re all just so fucking happy to be so close to the mountains, the ocean, and amazing sushi that we’re willing to throw caution (and our panties) to the wind and get down.  And to be clear…this is a judgement free zone…get down with your bad self.  But here’s the one drawback I’ve seen so far.

Why would men want to bother to step their game up?  Why would it even occur to them to be smarter, more interesting, kiss better, or any of the other things we want from them??  THEY’RE STILL GETTING LAID!!!!  And while I’m currently doing my best to limit this phenomenon (which is quite the sacrifice for someone who rallies around the term SLUTmazing)…I can’t do it alone ladies.  I’m just one woman!

 

4.  Vancouver is the American School System of Dating.
People typically think of Hollywood as a town of beauty-obsessed starlets and airheads, so perhaps I shouldn’t feel so shocked that Vancouver, the Hollywood of the North, has become full of the same.  I almost don’t know how to describe it.  I was to yell at this city, like a frustrated parent screams at their 21 year old who just keeps fucking up…over and over again and all you can do is explode with YOU BETTER GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT KIDDO!!!  Because that’s really where the problem lies.  The bigger, more important problem.  It lies in a set of fucked up priorities.  In a city where the dating complaints sound a bit like something George Bush might say.  We have become the American Education System of Dating.

The first article described three young women:

they’re attractive, smartly put together, and fit. They hike the Chief, do the Grouse Grind, ski, bike the seawall, and kayak

And then that’s it.  That’s the end of the description.  I mean, seriously?!  Take a moment.  And let’s think about what’s missing from this list of what I can only assume is supposed to be a description of what makes these women dateable, desirable, worthy, etc. in our fair city.  So, let’s see…they’re attractive and fit.  So that’s good.  And they’re smart…oh no wait…they’re smartly put together…ok…so I guess that’s cool, they have some fashion sense.  And…then we’re back to descriptions of their athletic pursuits.  Super.  And to be honest, this is Vancouver.  A city where being fit and fashionable are your best assets.  I weep for humanity.

But seriously?!  Would you date these girls?  I mean hot bodies and financials aside, what do these chicks have to offer?  And while you could make the argument that for the sake of brevity, details about personality were left out…but in an article that runs for five pages (no judgement, people in glass houses, I’m just saying)…that argument kind of falls flat.

And so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the article focuses greatly on appearances.  Which are valid mind you, attraction is attraction.  Pretending it’s irrelevant isn’t helping anyone.  But if the women of Vancouver were really able to give that hypothetical Genie lamp a rub…is a dude who dresses up for his lady really what we’d ask for???

How about a man who can hold a conversation, who understands the ebb and flow of asking questions and offering things that can be responded to, who has SOMETHING TO SAY!  How about we aim for the stars and ask for intelligent men who have thoughts about science or math, or the history of art, or how a font curves in a way that makes his heart pound, or can tell a joke that is actually funny and not in that stupid I just said something super dumb but I’m going to attempt to cover it up by calling it a joke way that just makes you want to tear your hair out.  What happened to wanting real things that matter??  Who cares if he is wearing a sharp blazer if the man can’t manage to follow an argument from thesis to proof to proof to proof to conclusion.  When did we get so fucking tedious!!

And ladies, you’re not excused either.  Because there are really only three complaints I ever hear from guys.  Stupid, Crazy, Snobs (the nicer way to say Bitches).  And while crazy I have some thoughts on (that’s another article entirely)…they’re often right about the other two.

So this is to everybody (me included, improvement is always possible and required).  Step your game up.  Read a book.  Be more than anyone ever expected you could be.  Say something.  Do something.  Change the world.  Be interesting.  Make a point.  Make a mark.  Hold your head high and be proud of what you’re doing with your life.

And for fuck sakes…ladies…be nicer to the next guy that chats you up…(but if he’s a loser don’t sleep with him…it’s as bad as faking orgasms and you need to start thinking of your fellow woman).  And guys…man the fuck up…put some of that natural testosterone to good use and chat a lady up.  And be clear about it.  Because the only thing worse than being rejected??  Is being rejected by a girl who probably would’ve liked you if only she’d known that weren’t trying to be her new bestie.

Finally, while I applaud @AmigoJor for getting out there and doing his thing.  I have to toss out a few words of advice for the boys because I almost think everything he said was misguided.

1.  Don’t talk to chicks on the bus if it’s anytime before noon.  She’s busy.  She’s trying to get to work on time.  She can’t be bothered with you because her boss wants the blah blah on his desk by noon plus she’s not really a morning person and dammit can’t I just enjoy this latte in peace.  Plus daytime isn’t sexy, yo.  Save that shit for afternoon to evening.

2.  Beaches?  Park?  Sure…those are awesome for July and August…but uh…this is Vancouver.

3.  Yaletown.  I can either buy into the stereotypes…in which case she’s got the nervous jittery look because her body is still trying to recover from all the coke she did last night not because she’s anti-social.  If we want to go the PC route…don’t assume…if you boys want us ladies to see you in your skinny jeans and not think gay! you’re going to have to knock the Snobby girls are from… shit off.  It goes both ways.

4.  Coffee Shops…home run.  What can I say…he’s right (though I see it in a slightly less cynical way).  And I almost kind of hope that one day I might run into this fella in a coffee-shop…and he’ll say something kind and interesting and we’ll have banter.  He’ll ask for my number and I’ll give it.  And perhaps he never calls.  And perhaps I don’t really want him to.  But we’ll both go home and start a snowball effect.  We’ll tell our friends about the time we met a person who was kind and funny and sort of maybe amazing (or at least not creepy and weird/ bitchy and distant) and how he acted like a man and I was a perfect lady.  And it will encourage our friends to do the same.  And they’ll tell their friends and so on and so forth.  All because one day a couple different people wrote articles and then some other people put it into action.  Or ya know.  Something like that.

But one final word of advice…gentlemen…don’t ever say something like this “Ahh, lovely sunrise with those heavy clouds in the distance, eh?” (from article)…because while you think she responds with “yahh” out of disinterest, there’s another much more likely reason.  There is no good response to this.  Or at least not one that someone who’s just be taken aback by someone new talking to her on a bus can come up with in a timely manner.  This is a question for an art gallery or a third date.  When your chatting a new chick up on the bus, on the street, at a pub, you have to make sure she can respond without feeling like an idiot.  This is not the time to quiz her knowledge of 18th century philosophy.  Just relax.  And ask her something normal.  Like how is your night going?  


So good luck out there my lovelies.  Because don’t mistake my harsh no-bullshit approach for anything other than a love for this city and her people.  I love Vancouver.  And I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t care.  I just want you to knock off this teenager-apathetic-I-don’t-need-to-be-amazing-nonsense and get started.  It’s never too late.  Nothing is permanent.  The world is waiting with baited breath.  Now go out and date like I know you can.


Yours Truly,

Something She Dated
aka That girl at Starbucks two seats over
aka Your favorite chat up chick
aka Miss Social Protocol 2012
aka Your dating fairy godmother
aka Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time

Vancouver Dating Blog:  Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time

He’s a Cheater and You’re an Idiot (But You Don’t Have to Be)

Head Desk

 

[dropcap]I get it.[/dropcap]  You catch your man online dating.  You don’t want to jump to conclusions.  You don’t want to feel sad about your shitty relationship and impending break up.  Mostly, I’m guessing, you just don’t want to be alone.  But seriously, ladies, step your game up, step your self-esteem up, step your common sense up.  And quit being fucking ridiculous.

So there I was on plentyoffish.com just minding my own business.  Checking out profiles.  When I get a message.  I mean top of the line piece of lusty literature, witty and intriguing, a real gem.  Hold onto your panties ladies.  It’s about to get wild.  The message reads:

How are you?

I should’ve probably started this post by mentioning that things “online” are slow.  Let me rephrase that.  Things online are hideous and boring.  Essentially, it has become apparent that while swimming in the seas where supposedly plenty of fish are lurking, I only attract the bottom feeders.  Awesome.  Which is what allows me to be open to the fact that this guy is cute.  Not drool on my keyboard cute, but by no means avert my eyes and delete cute.  So I give him the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe he’s just not feeling creative.  Maybe he’s just a slow starter.  Maybe he’ll pick it up a bit.

Hey 🙂 Thanks for the message…I’m doing great.  How’s your day going?

And then total silence.  I didn’t really notice at the time because I was being bombarded with messages.  Sure, yes,   bottom feeders, with the occasional poisonous puffer fish, and a shark once in a while, but generally speaking – bottom feeders.  However, a week later when I see his face appear in my messages again.  I think.  Hmm…I’ve seen him before.  Did I delete him?  Did we talk?  So I click the “view all correspondence” button.  And see the meager history.  He messaged.  I responded.  He appears to have forgotten.  And yet.  Here he is again.  Launching those lovely love letters in my direction.  The message reads:

Hey wat up?

I mean swoon right?  But like I said, times are dumb and ugly, and I’m bored.  And frankly, because I’ve got nothing invested, there’s nothing to lose.  So I message back, but I kick it up a notch.  I can’t be talking to boring people.  So either he’ll hit me back with info that’ll lead to conversation or he’ll be boring again and then I’ll know, and stop responding.

Hey 🙂 Not much…just getting ready for school tomorrow…How was your weekend? Get up to any Halloween fun?

And this time I get a response.  Almost immediate.  I mean barely enough to type all the words kind of immediate.  Only the response isn’t from…well…see for yourself.

Hi,
this is Mike’s girlfriend. Yes he has a girlfriend, so please don’t bother writing him again. I can’t believe he actually turned out to be one of these guys….and there are far too many guys with girlfriends on these websites, I once went out with one of them myself. Not good! My advice to you, go out instead of going online, it’s a harder search for a guy, but you have a better chance of finding someone decent!

Hmm…I’m going to have to stop you right there Mike’s Girlfriend.  Because your science, your logic, is off the charts stupid.  Online dating and cheating?  I’m not sure there’s even a correlational relationship between the two let alone a causational one.  Though if you can show me some data I’ll more than happily change my tune.  And for reference I mean data that proves this same relationship between dating and cheating in the conventional manner doesn’t exist as well.

Next problem?  Why can’t you believe he turned out to be one of “those guys”?  And I’m assuming “those guys” means cheaters.  Because here’s the thing, Mike’s Girlfriend.  I doubt your surprise.  Nobody even thinks to check to see if their boyfriend has a POF account, who doesn’t already have an inkling that he’s (thinking about, in the process of, already has) cheating/ed.  Plus anybody who feels the need to message someone talking to said boyfriend on POF, likely assumes even if he shuts his profile down it’ll pop right back up again.  It’s almost as if this has happened before…hmmm?  Thoughts?  Finally, Mike’s girlfriend, giving advice?  Really?  Really?  Do you really think you’re in a position to be offering up said advice, given that your relationship is in shambles?  And if I’m being honest, you wouldn’t be suggesting I stop talking to Mike if you were planning to dump his cheating ass so I can only assume you plan to forgive him at which point any possible chance you had for being a source of worthwhile advice goes right out the window.

Not one to ignore a teachable moment, I respond.

Not to be mean or anything but do you really think you’re in a good position to be offering advice?  I mean, I’m sorry your guy is a dick but my advice to you would be…break up with him and don’t sweat it as he obviously isn’t a great guy for you (or anyone)…keep your head up and don’t be bitter (or offer unwarranted advice that makes you seem bitter)…and carry on your merry way with a good life.

I assume this will be the end of it.  Actually I don’t, I expect some sort of childish rant, but I just couldn’t help myself, I had to say my peace.  And just as I’m about to hit block, as to avoid being baited into an ongoing conversation with this sad dumb chick.  I get another message:

Yeah, whether or not I actually found someone decent is now questionable 🙁

I metaphorically slap her, in my mind, grab her by the shoulders and shake.  For the love of a pretend being you fucking tool?!?!?  How did you let this become your life?!?!  What on earth are you doing?!?!  But that seems harsh.  So I simply respond, as kindly as I can and hope she absorbs at least some of my advice.

Questionable?? Oh honey. There is no question here about whether or not he’s decent.  He’s checking out online dating sites…and assuming you two are exclusive…that’s a pretty big no brainer. Plus…not to be super critical…but if you have to “hack” his account or snoop through a webpage left open or however it is you found his page…if you have to do any of that…you’re in a relationship that wasn’t working to begin with. And now obviously I don’t know your story or situation…but seriously…is there really a question here???

There was no response.  I’m hoping that Mike’s Girlfriend heeded my words, grabbed her purse, and hightailed it out of his place (which I’m assuming is where she stumbled upon this situation), and his life.  Grabbed herself a set of self-esteem and brain power and put the two together for good use.  Perhaps she even sought out some counselling (something I’m always in favor of) to deal with her numerous issues.  I expect a thank you message from her in the near future.  Maybe some flowers…

No?  You don’t think that’s what happened?  You’re probably right.  Mike probably cried, or acted like a total dick who had a right to peruse online dating sites, and said he was so so sorry.  Maybe he meant it, maybe he didn’t.  They’re back together.  It won’t end well.  Because you can’t form a healthy relationship with someone who’s emotionally broken and/or a total idiot.  Sorry Mike’s Girlfriend.  It’s never going to get any better until you get your shit together.  Which I have faith that you can do.  If you want to.

[colored_box color=”grey”]Dear Girls,
Don’t be like Mike (‘s Girlfriend).  Say no to idiocy and flawed logic.  Use reality as your guide.  Seek help when you need it.  And most importantly.  Don’t take shit from nobody.
Yours Truly,
Judgey Wudgey

aka Something She Dated
aka Dating losers so you won’t have to
aka Protecting the name of our gender
aka The science (logic) and dating police[/colored_box]

 

Vancouver Dating Blog:  Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time