40 Days of Dating

40 Days of Dating

 

[dropcap]I[/dropcap] try to reserve my hate for really horrible things like genocide and poverty, but under the assumption that I’m obviously not comparing this project to the true worst things about humanity, I have to admit that I hate everything about the 40 days of dating project.  EVERYTHING.

My Bias:  they’re not writers and while in many ways they don’t claim to be (after all this project is really just a bunch of repetitive forms or diary entries filled out for the internet to see), but I think we all know that along with their new Hollywood agent, they’re hoping for (planning on) a book deal and likely have been from the beginning.  And while I get that sometimes non-writers can author a book and it can actually be interesting (because they themselves are so interesting) that doesn’t really apply here.  These are two designers narcissistic assholes who are trying to become real housewives of worthlessness type famous.  Finally, while I don’t necessarily begrudge anyone taking their opportunity to become rich and famous, I just can’t fucking stand people who do it on a lie (and their lie is that this whole thing isn’t a big fucking act put on by two not great people).  Show me heart and I’ll respect you, show me your ass and call it your heart and I’ll hate you forever.

So, For those of you who have been lucky enough not to be exposed to this fake-staged-irrelevant-insincere-bullshit, you’re lucky (and also, sorry because I’m about to ruin that by exposing you to it).

FortyDaysofDating.com

The basic premise of the “experiment” is that two people with opposite relationship issues (though I would actually argue they have the same one of being completely self-deluded), she falls too quickly, he has commitment issues, date each other for 40 days (with I guess the hope of curing their issues?)

I can’t stand when women say things like I fall in love easily or I just really give relationships my all because I know that in their fucked up heads they think these things are admirable.  They don’t get that by suggesting that the lust they feel is love that they completely devalue what love really is (and also…what is so awful about lust that people are always trying to make it into love?!?).  They don’t understand that by giving everything to a relationship that they don’t really understand what a relationship is, or what being a complete person is.  The funny thing is I have great respect for someone who can realize that they’ve got issues and things to work on personally, but pretending the issue that you face is that you’re just so goddamn sweet and nice and caring rather than that you are totally out of touch with who you are as a person is something I just can’t get on board with.

I also can’t stand guys who think they’re nice but are really just some cross between a total fucking baby and just dumb as shit.  This is the kind of nice guy who thinks he’s protecting your feelings by constantly saying that he doesn’t want to lead you on and that he’s damaged or something rather than just spitting out the truth which is that he doesn’t like you as much as you want him to.  I find this completely insane that a guy could think this is protecting a girl somehow, but it’s totally common so there ya go.  The thing is though, if he actually just said the words, something like look, I like you this amount, that is all I’ll like you, if you want to continue to hang out I can do that but my feelings won’t change.  Then, the girl could decide, is she okay with said amount of liking?  If yes, she stays.  If no, she goes.  Either way, she made a decision based on all the information.  Sure, she might have hurt feelings (I know I personally can’t believe anyone doesn’t think I’m the most interesting woman in the world but here’s what, SHE WILL GET THE FUCK OVER IT, I promise).  And the upside is she won’t have spent weeks obsessing over whether or not you really like her because here’s what…that obsessing…that detective work and mind-reading is the very thing that makes her hurt and later hate you.

Anyway, that’s who this project is about.  The girl who devalues love and the man-child who can’t rip a bandaid.

Detour:  Have you ever had a friend who seems to be involved in all kinds of drama and yet tells you that they hate drama?  Yeah, they’re lying.  They fucking love drama.  Sure, no one likes negative things and fighting and feeling upset…obviously.  But drama comes with adrenaline and intrigue and it’s something to do, and more often than not feeds the ego…AND THAT’S WHAT YOUR FRIEND LIKES.  And here’s the thing of the thing, you can always get out of the drama.  There’s always a way.  Just get out.  If you don’t like it just get out.  Get out.  GET OUT.  JUST FUCKING GET OUT!!!

That’s what reading this stupid experiment feels like though – two people complaining about a bunch of things they could EASILY fix (like easy bake oven easy, like me with a super smart football player easy, you get the idea).

And you’re probably thinking – still though, why so upset?

And here’s why:  I hate this project and these people for the same reason I hate the majority of reality television – because it’s pretending to be real, to be honest, to be about exposing some sort of truth about human relationships rather than just some vain-attention-getting-grabber-wheel-of-people-who-aren’t-worth-the-attention.  It’s fucking human poison and I hate everything about it.

Now, before you go well hey, isn’t that what you’re doing here?  Let me explain.

I commend people who bare their souls and get book deals (even if they’ll only ever be authors and not writers, I love a good celebrity biography as much as the next guy).

I think it’s great to try experiments with your life, to go on adventures, to seek opportunities and when they arrive to take them completely.

I applaud those that are innovative, fresh, willing to be embarrassed, take risks, etc.

But if you’re going to sell me lemonade, you can’t fucking make it out apples.  When you call something the truth, it has to actually BE the truth.  (okay well it doesn’t, I mean you can do whatever you want, free country and all that, but if you don’t want me not to hate you, if you want me not to think that you’re poisoning the hearts and minds of the easily swayed with your bullshit agenda and disingenuous attempts to bare your heart, then you have to actually do it with the truth).

Because that’s really what’s at the heart of why I despise these two and this project.  While I hate to infantilize people, there are hundreds (possibly of thousands) of people who actually believe fairy tale nonsense (and love this project) and don’t see the stupidity that is its participants (stupid in certain ways only because as much as I dislike them, so many more do not and think they’re great and I would bet a fortune that they have an agent and a book deal within the month if not already).  I feel like there are real people, who want to know real things about dating (and how to be happier with dating and more emotionally sound with their dating choices) and for those people, I blog, and for those people, I hate this project on behalf of.

 

Because a regular reader, might not see that this guy is such a douchebag, they might not see that he strings her along on purpose and for his ego, that he’s a fucking childlike crybaby, that when he says he was being “playful and funny” that he was actually just being boring and tedious (and that he’s a part of that whole epidemic of men who think they can just say that they have a good sense of humor and then they do, that you don’t have to be witty or intelligent to be funny, this guy is spreading that like wildfire).

He’s the guy who worries about words.  Who thinks labels are what make a relationship and that it’s his job to protect others (under the assumption that he’s just so fucking unbelievably amazing that were he to reject someone they might not make it through the day).  And yet, spends the whole 40 days apparently unable to figure out how he feels about someone.  Is it really that hard to figure out your feelings?

For example, I can love someone and yet also know that I don’t want a committed long distance relationship.  I feel a thing, I think a thing through, I figure a thing out.  Why does this guy struggle so?  Is it possible that perhaps he likes the power of lording it over the poor half-wit that is his female counterpart (and for reference I think they’re both half-wits so this isn’t a gender thing)?

Because a regular reader, might not see her for the complaining child that she is.  (how, btw, can people manage to be super successful and yet totally fucking ridiculous?!!).  Why would you start a project like this when you’ve recently developed a debilitating case of migraines (that get worse with stress, stress like trying to get famous on the internet)?  She’s the girl who stiff upper lips her way through dinner pretending she’s not in pain (all the while acting like a totally aloof asshole who barely wants to be there).

It’s this bullshit martyr act that drives me insane.  (these are examples and didn’t really happen in the project) – She’s the girl who comes to your birthday party and then throws up on everything because she had the flu and she thinks she’s a super great friend who did this great thing for you, except you’re like bitch, why didn’t you just stay home, I can live without you at my birthday and now not only have you made yourself the fucking princess-centre-of-attention but you’ve barfed on everything and ruined my party.  She’s the girl who cleans up at the party before it’s over, thinking to herself oh look at me, such a good little homemaker when what she’s really doing is being rude to all the guests and hey! bitch I was still drinking out of that cup and did you throw out the piece of cake I was saving!?!?

 

I could go on and on but I think you all get the picture.  Everything about the 40 days of dating is unloveable, including the participants.  She’s the sweetie-try-hard who’s not actually sweet and he’s the nice-interesting-playboy who’s neither interesting nor nice (nor really a playboy).

The whole thing is just so fucking insincere and out of touch and I can’t fucking stand it.

 

They’re the Spencer Pratts of fake vulnerability, the Tap Out shirts of dating, the Ed Hardy of sexual honesty.

 

And one final note, if you spend 5 sentences describing the meal you ate, and a 3 word phrase to say we had sexeither the sex is fake or the project’s integrity is.

 

In their defense:  The typography was kind of cool.  Also, I’m aware I’m only seeing two sides of the story (and yes, a story can have more than two sides, particularly because they are confined to filling out a daily questionaire rather than possibly going off with their own writing to explain things more clearly).  Also, the one thing that is actually neat about the whole project is something I’ve always kind of wished for…having more than one side.  While I always try to write honestly and accurately about my affairs, we can never truly know what the men were thinking then or now because they aren’t able to write about it (well technically I would publish it if they wanted to be that’s not really an easy thing to make happen).  So, on that front, I commend them.

 

Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

Nice guys finish last

Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?

The logic behind the claim  Nice guys finish last  is so flawed I hardly know where to start (but start, I will).

First off, who are these nice guys who are claiming to finish last?  How are they defining last?  As a matter of fact, how are they defining nice?  And who are they, to claim for themselves this relative qualifier?  The balls on these dudes…ugh.

And those are just the questions I have about definitions and test subjects, we’re not even talking about the actual testing scenario. I mean, not to get all correlational/causational on you but let’s be real here for a minute.  Are these alleged nice guys trying to say that they are so one-factored in their life that there are no other possible reasons for why they may or may not finish last, depending of course on how we define last as mentioned above?

Supposing for a second that we’ve all agreed upon what defines being nice and supposing further than that we find a guy who fits this definition.  He goes on a date, and pays like a gentleman, there is chatter and all things seem to go well.  There’s a short kiss, the date ends and all feels right in the world.  The next day our test subject calls his date and proposes a second adventure.  She is not  interested.  He self-soothes with a mantra of nice guys finish last, nice guys finish last, nice guys *sob* finish last.  He tells all his friends that she was a money grubbing whore only using him for a free dinner.  He considers no other possibilities.  And therein lies the rub.

He’s not such a nice guy.  At least not in my opinion.  Besides the obvious trashing of the girls reputation, the more core issue is the fact that it doesn’t even enter into his consciousness that he might be to blame.  Or at fault (though I prefer to think of it as just people who didn’t mesh) but if dude’s are going to play the blame card, I’m going to deal it out to them.  And like I’ve said over and over again, if you have to say it…you aren’t it.  If you have to tell people you’re funny, you’re not.  If you have to tell people you’re smart, you’re not.  If you have to tell people you’re nice, you’re not.  What you are…is oblivious.  Every dude thinks he’s a nice guy, a super swell fella and the truth is the truth is to be honest, though in varying degrees, admittedly, I’m telling you right now, fellas, you are not.  Now I’m not saying you’re all assholes, not even close.  What I am saying, is that people are flawed, it’s in our nature, and so blanketing your dating woes, or even your life woes, with the fluffy but I’m such a nice guy defense is really not going to get you anywhere.

That being said.  Even if you are, that super amazingly nice guy who never says a harsh word, never has a derogatory comment and just wants everyone to be happy and spends a great deal of his time trying to make life that way.  And even if I can pretend for a minute that you’re not a dick for the crime detailed above of thinking you’re soooo amazing that the problem has to be someone else.  I have to ask, a very serious and vital question:  Who told you that being nice was enough?  Would you want to spend the next 40 years with someone who’s only redeeming quality was that they were nice?  I don’t need a seat on the bus, I need fun.  Okay, that’s a lie…I want both.  I’m greedy like that.  And so are most boys really.

I mean, girls aren’t allowed to be enough…just by being nice.  Seriously.

When was the last time a dude got hard for nice?

When was the last time a dude got hard for nice?  Girls have to be fit, healthy and adventurous…but ya know…all the while maintaining a kind of fresh faced makeup-less beauty that allows for no faults of DNA.  Boys want witty conversation, and upbeat personalities, smart opinions but polite decorum.  They want the Princess without the baggage, the President without the power-trip and the Pornstar without the career…they want the pussy without the problems.

And It boggles the mind.  My mind is boggled.  That I hear it all the time.  This complaint that I have absolutely no sympathy for.  Nice guys finish last.  I couldn’t possibly care less for the plight of the nice guy.  Because in a world that asks women to be exceptional…why on earth do men think being nice is enough.  How is that even possible?!?!

And just so we’re clear, I’m not opposed to people being extraordinary.  I whole-heartedly encourage it.  I think women should try to be all those things listed above and more (except the makeup-less one because a person has no hand in the DNA they were dealt and screw you for judging her/us/them like that).

Personally, I’m nowhere near, but always striving, to be the most awesome version of me that I can be.  And to be honest, I want the same to be true of others.  I fear, much of the world isn’t with me on this one though.  I fear that a great deal of the population is totally all right with just getting by and being entirely average.  Which I guess is fine, you can’t control people and all that jazz.  But that doesn’t mean I’m going to start dating a guy who defines himself as nice.  full stop.

I wouldn’t buy a one dimensional house or want to live in a one dimensional world, so why would I want to date a one dimensional person?

 

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