5 Things You Should Definitely Not Bother Doing

1.  Eat your weight in ice cream.  Look, I know right?!?!  Sounds fantastic eh?  But I bet there’s a few things you haven’t really thought through.  You’ll get fat.  But it’s so much more than that.  By deciding to do this you’ll be entering into some kind of never ending “eating your weight” snowballing-time-space-continuum where as your weight is ever increasing from eating the ice cream, you’ll subsequently have to consume more and more ice cream in order to make it match your weight, which is continuously increasing.  You see?  Do you see?  It’s madness I tell you, madness.  Sugary delicious cold smooth and creamy heaven like madness, but madness nonetheless.  It’s essentially suicide.  So, you are welcome.  I basically just saved your life.  No worries though, you can pay me back by taking me out for ice cream.

 

2.  Start a rock band.  Let’s face it.  This is just stupid.  You can’t play any instruments, you can’t sing…and to be completely honest you don’t have any friends.  Better just stick to singing along to rockband by yourself…what’s that song that you love again…I’m a creeeeeep.

 

3.  Learn to shoot a bow and arrow.  I don’t know.  Maybe it was that Lord of the Rings marathon you had over Christmas holidays that Legolas sure is fox in tights if ever there was one.  Or maybe it was that one bizarre night when you got super drunk and dialed your crazy ex…went over to his house…had sad pathetic mistake sex and he has since promised to keep his distance only watching you from afar though he defines afar as through your bedroom window and on surveillance cameras that he installed when you went out shopping a few days ago.  Whatever it was, you got it into your head that becoming an Archer was one of your ‘must do’ activities of 2013.  Not to worry though, I’m here to stop this nonsense and save you from yourself.  Before you know it you’ll have spent $300 on a specialty bow and arrow set that will only get used once because when you wake up the next day to take stock of the injuries inflicted you shot your neighbor in the arm while he was out mowing his lawn, forearm bow-string burn, numerous paper cuts from taking down and putting up your target, you basically almost died! you’ll never touch it again.  Plus, paper cuts really hurt, yo.  Use your head.

 

4.  Stop stalking your crush.  Now I know what you’re thinking (huh?).  You’re confused (what?).  You’re unsure (uhhh?).  Am I really advising you to continue stalking your crush??  I sure as fuck am!!  I mean, you’re almost there.  I can practically feel her caving from here.  I’m telling you, it’s working.  If it’s not the excessive telephone calling followed by hangups or the endless texting of What Dooin? that wins her heart, it’ll be the way you regularly drive by her house or respond to everything she ever tweets on twitter (and I mean everything…even the jokes that require no reply).  I’m getting all ooey-gooey just thinking about the romance of it all.  Swoon.  I’ll be eagerly waiting for my invitation to the wedding.  I’ll want to have the chicken not the fish, just sayin’.

 

5.  Find a career that makes you happy.  I mean, sure, in theory this is a great idea.  But can we be realistic for a minute here? What with having to update your skills on your resume and having to take an hour to brainstorm all the possible career paths that might be compatible with your specific skill set like extensive knowledge of She-Ra comics, the ability to eat an entire pot roast in one sitting and an affinity for not wanting to touch coins because they’re just dirty and cold, I mean honestly, you really just don’t have that kind of time.  Plus, if you were to get a job where you were happy, it might lead to having the energy to finally use that gym membership (that you pay heavily for every month), you wouldn’t need to drink constantly and thus you’d probably bankrupt the liquor industry and those people have families too ya know.  I mean Think of the children!!!  Plus what about all the ex-girlfriends/boyfriends that will feel unloved if you were to stop getting almost blackout drunk on weeknights and drexting them gems like whaaaaat r u oing now? and I loooooooooooooooooooooove you and fuck you i dun lov you anyway and my favorite of them all alkdjf duqlen oin;as; me.  So, be responsible, be a good person, and be miserable for the sake of this world.

 

Dating and New Years Resolutions: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

the year of yes

[dropcap]I’m[/dropcap] what you might call a feast or famine dater. When I’m in school, studying hard, preparing graduate applications, and generally just making sure that being a student at 30 doesn’t become a complete waste of my life…dating is at an all-time low. Desert. Barren. Picture tumbleweeds (and a lot of me in jogging pants barely leaving my apartment for days at a time). And it’s completely fine and acceptable because I’m doing what I want, what I love and what’s important. The boys can just take a seat in the back and wait for their number to be called. I am a woman with priorities and they don’t even make the list.

But when school is out? During Christmas and summer breaks? Well that’s what you’d call a balls to the wall type situation. And I love me some balls, I mean boys. Because what are vacations about if not boys? I mean seriously. And yet… life… dating doesn’t always work out exactly the way you plan. Boys aren’t trained Labradors that come when you call them. Sure I may be free at a certain time, but that doesn’t mean that all the smarty-pants-science-and-mathy-football-playing-kind-and-gentle-sarcastic-and-witty-alpha-males-who-just-happen-to-like-chubby-bunnies will be available and have me on their radar at that exact moment. Life isn’t that precise. Which may or may not explain why a dating blogger can manage to be going on two years and have only dated about nine guys.

But that’s all about to change.

You see, I was recently talking to a friend and she was telling me about a period in her life where she did a ton of dating. A ton! she exclaimed. And I thought to myself I don’t really have that. I don’t have a period where I was completely open to every opportunity. And I’m a dating blogger! I mean it just seems incongruous, no? And so I thought about it, only to realize it’s because the majority of my free dating time is spent simply trying to choose the least objectionable man from a pile of men, who I can only assume are the dregs of society still working on finding themselves. And to be honest, that takes up a ton of time. Trying to figure out who comes across well through online dating sites but might not in real life and who doesn’t come across well but might turn out to be the David Spade of my dreams in person (laughter being paramount to everything in my books). It’s exhausting. I’m fairly certain I could solve the problem of world hunger with a redirection of my dating efforts.

But that’s why this year is going to be different. New Year’s Resolution. 2012 is the year of YES! I’m two weeks away from having everything prepared for my grad school apps and after that school will fingers crossed be a breeze. I’ve got a lightened course-load, no more entrance exams to study for and no professors to get reference letters from. Breezy. And so the plan is to say YES to any guy willing to ask (who is nice and at least not wildly inappropriate; no jailbait no second fathers, etc.) So why not right?!?!

What’s the worst that could happen right?!?! I become super practiced at making eloquent conversation? I get to meet all kinds of different people? Somebody teaches me something? I teach myself something? I accrue a lifetime worth of blogging material? Sure, it’ll cost a bit in terms of hair products and makeup but I’m nothing if not a good Samaritan and the economy still needs all the stimulation it can get, right? Plus I always say that nothing works better at keeping me on a healthy diet and a good workout regime like dating. So basically I’m saving myself and the world all in one fell swoop. Really it would be irresponsible of me to do anything else. And along the way maybe I can teach these boys a thing or two. Dating Vancouver a Better Place One “Something” at a Time. So that’s the plan. For 2012. My year of yes.

*But just to be clear, the yeses stop on the first dates. After that, boys, you’re on your own. Try not to screw it up.

 

Vancouver Dating Blog:  Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time