Dirty Talk: What Are You Wearing?

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[dropcap]T[/dropcap]he message reads:  What are you wearing?  And it’s your move.  The board is set.  The pieces are all lined up.  Now all you have to do is ask yourself, do you want to play?

I used to spend a great deal of time wondering what boys wanted to hear in response to this.  I mean, did they really want to know what I was wearing in a literal sense?  Or was this their way of sussing out whether or not I was down for a bootycall?  Or were they just being misguidedly playful?

I don’t wonder anymore.  In all honesty, it doesn’t matter what they want to hear in response.  It recently occurred to me that I had been asking the wrong questions.  The only question that really matters, is how I want to respond.

There are two reasons a guy would send you this text.  Only two.  And you can try all the explaining and excuses or bullshit responses but the truth is, I’m right.  On this one thing.  Every guy ever, was asking, is asking, for one of these two reasons:


1.  He’s throwing bird seed.

2.  He wants to fuck you.

If he’s throwing bird seed, RUN!  This dude does not care about you, and I’m not even talking about in a swooning-girlfriendy-kind of way.  This dude doesn’t give a shit about your time, your feelings, your happiness.  To be honest, he doesn’t even care about you as a human being, you are a means to an end and dammit, You’re better than that and stop being so pathetic and rewarding this type of shitty behavior from human beings!!!

If he wants to fuck you, then you’ve got a decision to make.  Actually you’ll have several.  The first of which is whether or not you want to.  Now here’s where this may get tricky for some.  Fucking and caring are not mutually exclusive.  For all I know, it’s your sweetheart of a boyfriend being cheeky or cute or sexy when he sends you this text.  And that’s great.  Hopefully you want to answer it with something sexy (and we’ll get to that in a bit), because he is your boyfriend and all so I would hope you want to bang his brains out.

But what about if it’s just someone you’ve been dating?  Or what if it’s a bootycall you’ve had for years?  Or a potential one night stand with someone from the internet?  Or a guy from church?  Or any of the other million possibilities that may have not occurred to me?

What then?

This is the part I can’t really help you with, except to suggest some questions you might want to ask yourself to help you think through your decision.  Because after all, this is your decision.

So when he texts what are you wearing? ask yourself these questions:

Do you want to have sex with him?
If you’re not ready to have sex with him will you have the self-control to stop things if they progress too far (and are you prepared to tell him ahead of time what your limits are)?
Are you prepared for the after-sex level of commitment (or more likely lack thereof) that he is offering?
Have you correctly ascertained that he falls into this and not the bird seed category?
Do you properly understand that sex and emotion are not mutually inclusive?
Will you be okay if the “relationship” never progresses past a sexual experience?

If you can honestly answer yes to these questions then I would guess you’re ready to answer his text.

And by the way, if your answer is yes…that’s awesome.  Good for you!  Get yours!  Have fun!  Be safe!  And feel free to come back and tell me everything!!  But if your answer is no, hey that’s okay.  We all come in different emotional packages and we want different things out of life and that’s just all well and good.  The most important thing is that you know yourself, make smart decisions for yourself, and to be completely honest, keep your judgment of others to a minimum (that goes for both the yesers and noers).

So how do you respond to his question what are you wearing?

First and foremost, think sexy.

But what if you’re not (looking sexy at the moment)?  Sure, okay, so maybe you’re like me and busy studying in your jogging pants, sports bra and sweatshirt.  Here is the time for the white lie.  How far you stretch the truth is your call and it will have a lot to do with what you (and he) are into.  So you say,

I’m wearing red lace panties with a matching red bra…
I’m wearing that little black dress you like…
Absolutely nothing…you should get over here to keep me warm…
Nothing but high heels and a smile…
Whip cream and caramel sauce…have you had dessert yet?

But if you’re like me and hate lying in any form?  Well, at that point there are two options really.  The first is to make the white lie real.  Go put on that black dress.  Go make a sexy sundae.  Your call.  The only downside to this scenario is that puts you in a situation of already putting in a lot of effort when for all you know he was just checking in and actually wanted to hang out 2 days from now (though depending on the situation you two have, this might be a sign he’s a bird seed thrower – take note).

The second option takes less effort (and is possibly less sexy but I’d argue if he really wanted you, he mostly just wants to know that you’re up for it and it doesn’t actually matter what you’re wearing).  Simply make what you’re working with more sexy.  So you’re wearing a sports bar and a sweatshirt???  Set those ladies free and tell him that underneath your sweatshirt is nothing but warm bare skin.  You get the idea.

All that being said, try to remember that this is likely a dude you’re just going to have a sexual fling with and a white lie isn’t the worst thing in the world but that putting in effort for a man who isn’t putting in any real effort for you will only wind you up in the disappointment bin.  Keep it light, keep it happy, keep it sexy, keep it breezy.

Vancouver Dating Blog:  Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time

Dear Boys, What Are You Wearing?

Something She Said

Stories about sex and dating, screenshots of sexist online dating messages, murder jokes, elaborately long fruit puns–you never quite know what you’re going to get.

What are you wearing?  That’s what the message says.  What are you wearing?  That’s what all the messages say, from all the boys, at some time or another, and I haven’t a fucking clue how to respond.  Hell, I’m not even entirely sure it’s a question.  I’m stumped.

 What do you want from me?!?!?!?


When you ask this thing what are you wearing?; when you say these words what are you wearing?; when your message appears across my screen what are you wearing?:  I mean, am I supposed to tell you the literal truth?  Because here’s the thing of the thing.  When you and I are together, when we’re at the stage that I’m ready for you to see the skivvies, oh yeah, I’m wearing the Red Lacies.  The sexy boy shorts.  This illicit thing.  For sure.  But when I’m at home, alone, away from you.  You can be damn sure that I’m wearing my adorable jogging pants.  No they’re not tight, they’re just normal, don’t make this weird.  They’re regular soft and stretchy comfy pants.  So no, I’m not wearing that sexy lingerie you’re dreaming of.  And no, I’m not sauntering around naked.  Don’t be an idiot.  I have shit to do.  Like cooking bacon that splatters.  Or jazzercising in front of open windows.  And that stuff can’t be done naked.    Obvs.

But I mean I get it.  I’m a writer, after all, I can be creative.  I can amp it up for you.  But is that what you want?  Is that really what you’re asking me?  Do you want me to create some verbal fantasy that I think you’ll think is sexy?  Or are you aiming for a realistic picture of how adorable hot I look in real life, at that very moment?  Or is there a third (and forth) possibility?  Are you hoping this will lead to sexting or phone sex?  Or even more hopeful, is this your way of testing the waters of booty call lake, to see if I’m interested in getting wet, in having a quick dip?  I honestly don’t know what your deal is, boys, and thus, here is my plea:

Dear boys,

My dear sweet boys.  What is it exactly that you want from me?  The reality of it all?  Or do you want the smoke and mirrors and pay no attention to that man behind the curtain?  Do you want to be able to picture me in the very way that I am, at that very moment that you message me?  Or is your aim the sugar and sexy spice that comes standard on our date nights?  Are you trying to get into my skivvies?  Is this the time for fantastical fictional narratives?  Honestly, tell me boys, seriously, what the fuck do you want from me when you type those confusing words–What are you wearing?

Yours Truly,

Judgey Wudgey

aka Something She Dated
aka Your favorite jogging pants sexter
aka That girl at the coffee shop
aka flip that bacon girl it’s burning
aka Dating Vancouver a better place one “something” at a time