Tedanese 101: Chapter 1 – Introduction and Origins

Dating

 

get a message on Plenty of Fish.

His screen name starts with “Texas” (is it too much to hope for that he might BE from Texas aka did I mention I have a thing for southern boys). It is. It’s just a nickname from childhood.

He’s messaged me before but I deleted it…however…things are not going well with Garbage Man (this occurs after our 2nd date and sometime in the weeks of screwups that follow). This time he says something funny and well…he seems to think I’m funny (bonus) and frankly it’s time I was more “open and breezy” and got myself moving on some more dates…I mean…so what if he’s only 5’10 right? That’s still taller than me by 3 whole inches…he’ll still be the man.

Sidebar: I have this policy about height. I’ve broken it in the past. I would break it for David Spade and Zach Galifianakis. But here’s the thing. I’m big. (height I’m 5’7) but I’m a chubby bunny if you will. So like I said, I’m big…so the guy has to be tall…otherwise I look like the guy and that’s just well…not good.

We talk over several messages and days. All the logistical stuff seems good. He appears to be partying it up (this takes place during the time the Olympics were here) and yet when I mention that I don’t drink anymore, he acts super cool and suggests virgin margaritas which makes me very pleased.

I ask him his name. Ted. He starts signing his messages in variations. Tedski. Tederino. This is the beginning of TEDanese. I haven’t officially decided if I think it’s funny. I tell TheHell about this new development and even as I’m regaling this quirk, it becomes funnier. So I start addressing messages to variations as well…Hey Notorious T.E.D…What’s up TEDinator?…you get the idea.

Only it spreads. It becomes a language. Has a life of it’s own.

TheHell and I start talking to each other in this newly developed language. “How was your day?” “It was TEDtastic!” “Like my new shoes?” “They’re TEDmazing!”

Even her hubs begins to pick up the language and offers this TEDzinger! “If it doesn’t work out between Ted and SSD, at least they could have a TEDtonic friendship”

I tell Ted none of this. We carry on chatting. And then it gets witty.

He makes some reference to “How was my weekend? And did I do anything borderline illegal? This becomes a running joke. He asks me out but it ends up getting postponed because he has to go plant trees (he’s a landscaper). He postpones with plenty of notice so I don’t sweat it (plus TheHell had dinner plans if the date didn’t happen). I make a joke that my best buddy will be pleased…she was hoping I’d be free to help her with a bank robbery this weekend and now I’m all freed up 😛 Thanks for letting me know…maybe you can be my “one phone call” when we get caught…I wonder how you look in a getaway car (for next time?)

He says something like I look very comfortable in a getaway car…stealing makes me horny

I choose to let the horny thing slide and continue the joke boy did you pick the wrong weekend to be out of town then, we’ll be stealin’ money from banks…hearts from boys…and bibles from hotel rooms…it’s practically a spree

He asks if we’ll be stealing beauty from debuntantes? (This one line may have been the decider about whether or not to go out with him…I thought it was brilliant!)

I say we’ll be stealing angst from teenagers, food from models, groupies from rockstars, number 17 from Bingo parlors countrywide, luck from lottery players and the hopes and dreams of 20something males at nightclubs.

He says would really love to meet you! We’ll have some laughs and blow kisses to the peasants

 

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Victoria Young

Writer. Dater. Masturbator. Don't worry my parents don't think I'm funny either. Grad Student. My breasts aren't ashamed of me either. You and me kid, we're going to change this world.