Tedanese: The Final Exam


[colored_box color=”blue”]  *If you skipped class and want to catch up you can find your lessons plans as follows:

TEDanese 101: Chapter One — Introduction and Origins
TEDanese 101: Chapter Two – Conversation and Oral History
The Sunday Profile: Facebook Has Gone TEDanese  [/colored_box]

So like I was saying, in Chapter Two…on Friday around 3pm he texts (presumably because he knows that’s when I get off from school). For our date he suggests….wait for it….wait for it….


A Bonfire.


Need me to repeat that? A Bonfire. On the beach.

Now, okay, yes, I am aware I live in Vancouver (a city notorious for its oneness with nature)

And yes, a bonfire and watching the sunset does have romance appeal

And yes, I am attempting to operate under a strict Be Breezy mantra (and yes I get the irony of strictly following advice to be relaxed and go with the flow)

But……Bonfires are illegal on Vancouver beaches…and…I…am a rule follower

But……a bonfire seems very involved and difficult to ditch if not good

But……I wanted to wear the magic hippie dress (which I did end up doing just with different shoes and a hoodie over it most of the night)

I tell myself to be breezy and agree, on the presumption that if the cops came and we had to run, he would lag back so that I could make my escape. It’s not about out running the bear after all, just the other guy you’re with (aka the bear’s next meal). So I siked myself up…this will be fun!

On the phone, Tedski had told me that he would save me a parking spot (given that this was a Friday night and he lived in Kits).  He doesn’t, however, specify whether its a street spot or garage.

(sidenote: one of my biggest online dating fears is that I won’t recognize my date from their pictures.  Tedski has 4 pictures up on his page – 2 with short hair, 2 with surfer hair).

So, I pull up to his address and he has told me that he is waiting outside.  I see a guy that looks like him standing beside a truck. S urfer hair, big nose (he had made jokes about having a big nose in earlier convos).  I smile, pull up, roll down my window, flash a sexy smile and say,

so is this my spot?

*eyelash batting eyelash batting*

No, I think I’m staying.

Um WHAT!?!  Did this dude just fucking reject me on sight???!?!  Is that his way of saying, he’s seen me, and is no longer interested? Or did he have another spot for his truck but now it’s gone. Stay breezy.

Okay I guess I’ll just find another spot round the way.

I do, oddly enough find one quite close. I walk back. Be Breezy. He’s about halfway down the block.

I smile and wave. He smiles back. I sort of mouth hey?

He’s turned and walking away to the apartment building across the street. Wtf?!?! I start to text something like…uh…did you just see me outside and…

When I realize. It wasn’t him. There is another guy standing kind of hidden between two parked cars down the way. That other guy must have thought I was a total lunatic. Great way to start a date. I walk over to greet Tedski and we hug hello (I’m a hugger).

Apparently 5’7 is the new 5’10 (lie numero uno) because when we face each other we are at the same eye level. His profile said specifically 5’10 but he is clearly the same height as me at 5’7. I am not impressed. But I smile because I’m Breezy.

He’s wearing dress pants and a leather jacket.  Who wears dress pants and a leather jacket to the beach?  I am further not impressed. But I smile because I’m Breezy.

I also smile because though judgmental, blunt and honest in general – I cannot bring myself to tell Tedski that things are not looking good. Plus I’m an optimist and am hoping the date will get better, I mean fuck, witty repartee can salvage a lot of wreckage.

He’s got a pack full of bonfire paraphenalia and other goodies and a garbage bag full of wood and paper for the fire. Now, if this was my boyfriend, or we were camping, or some other suitable situation, I would be breezy…but no joke..if it wasn’t for me standing beside him –hair all done up, make-up on point, jewellry and the magic dress in full effect—he would look like a homeless Santa Clause. Be breezy…just be…fuckin’ Breezy…breathe

So we walk to the beach and on the way stop at Starbucks…I order…he pays…I go to the ladies room…and when I come back he’s got my coffee and he bought me a cookie that I hadn’t ordered but, he said,  just in case I wanted one.  He doesn’t get anything for himself, he’s brought a couple of brewskies along

you don’t mind do you?

Sidebar: remember how earlier when I said I didn’t drink he made this cute suggestion like we’d get virgin margaritas? Now it’s not a huge deal, people drink around me all the time and its no problem…it’s the fact that he was now going to do something very unlike what he had said earlier…

We go to the beach…and this is where it starts looking up.

I had forgotten how absolutely breath-takingly beautiful vancouver really is…especially from Kits beach. The mountains twinkle with snow and lights up to the right over downtown. The water is soothing and though a bit breezy (not me, the actual air) the night is fairly warm. The Sunset is amazing.

We post up on a log to chat while we watch the sunset. He sets down a blanket. Very gentlemanly, plus I wouldn’t want to risk snagging the magic dress. He looks at me for a longer than normal but date appropriate amount of time and says “you’re really cute!”  I, of course, am made even more awkward than usual by this.

We talk and it’s pretty good. Not a whole lot of witty repartee, just mostly informative stuff like where did you grow up—how many siblings—where have you travelled—kind of stuff. I turn my head sideways and try to picture kissing him. Not a huge fan of his teeth. But good hair. I’ve mentioned I’m judgmental right? His face is pretty cute so aside from the height deception, the not great clothes, this could potentially work.

Shit. Who am I kidding. This dude is losing me all over the place.  Sure…funny can make up for almost anything.  I mean, David Spade and I’m breaking the rules. But Tedski’s no David Spade. Garbage Man had been way less funny and honestly I was way more attracted to him. But I’m Breezy so I smile and I laugh and I carry on, though I swear I’m giving my best awkward laugh but staying on this side of polite so that I don’t hurt his feelings.

He has brought an extra jacket for me (which turns out to be needed) very cute and gentlemanly but if I’m being honest not something that particularly impresses me.  I’m less, chivalry will get you everywhere, and more, being smart and funny will get you everywhere.

He builds my ego with compliments.  He builds a fire.  Don’t make fun of me but no joke, I was already checking for the PoPo.

Oh yeah…and he’s got an axe.  Yes, an actual fucking axe, on a first date, presumably for splitting wood into kindling. Or murdering dates. Either or.

The fire blazes. It gets dark. I am doing an awful lot of mountain/star/ocean gazing. The chatter takes a serious nose dive.

He says a lot of things in different accents, especially Ukranian (we both are). I don’t like accents. Generally people are not good at them. I don’t like laughing when things aren’t funny. I feel its akin to lying. I do it anyway obviously because I can’t bring myself to just sit there in the goddamn radio silence of dead air after every non-funny thing he says or does.  Breezy.

In attempts to be funny, he often breaks out into song. I am not a fan. See reasons I don’t like accents again. His voice is shockingly good but I’m not lovig it. As a shy person, someone loudly singing in a public place makes me very uncomfortable.  You know how sometimes at a party someone will bring out a guitar – yeah I hate that person.  Similar to when people sing happy birthday, the vulnerability that they’re exposing me to makes me incredibly uncomfortable.  Mostly because most of the time they suck and so we’re all just faking it along.

He says he has to go take a whizz. I get left alone by the fire. Awesome. Only he doesn’t go very far, only like 30 feet away and I’m like holy shit is this dude going to whip out his dick and take a piss this close to me!?!?   I’m horrified, but it’s dark and I don’t think he knows I can see him.

And then he pulls it out.

A cigarette.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME! (lie number 2 – his profile specifically says non-smoker)

While he’s gone a couple walks by. They ask if you’re allowed fires. I say no – point to Tedski. They ask if they can join us. I say sure.

Teddy gets back. He doesn’t seem particularly impressed. Obviously, he wanted it to be just us, but then then they offer us beer, he accepts (I decline obviously) and everybody is happy (relatively speaking).

This couple turn out to be super cute and fun. The chick is a little chubby bunny just like me. We talk about life and school and work. They ask Tedski what he does and he tells them but in this round about not really upfront kind of way. Another strike…I don’t like people who aren’t overtly open. Secrets are for losers and boring people.  Plus, it always just seems like you have something to hide which is weird and makes everyone uncomfortable.  I’m not saying you have to share your life story but if you can’t reveal your career to someone in a 10 second sentence or less than you’re probably in the wrong one.

Several times I’m listening to something the girl or guy are saying and Tedski will just start talking to me…in a voice louder than a whisper…almost as if they aren’t there…or he can’t hear them…and even often leans his head across in front of my view as if to block them from my gaze. This happens numerous times. Teddy has another beer. He’s probably just pissed we’re not having alone time…but still…there’s no excuse for being so rude. He offers me some chocolate he brought for the date. The accents and singing and lame jokes continue. Not good. Teddy has another beer (are you counting?…that’s 3…now don’t get me wrong…I can probably drink most people under the table…or at the very least used to…but this is a first date…with a chick who no longers drinks…think maybe you should tone it down?).  Plus, he’s not one of those people who becomes super awesome when they’re drinking.

Funny thing though…this couple had been together for 7 months now…and they met…wait for it…wait for it…on Plenty of Fish.

So I tell them it’s our first date. We all have a chuckle. The guy says something like “kiss her, kiss her, kiss her” – not sure if Tedski senses I don’t want to, just doesn’t want to in front of these people, or something else but thankfully he doesn’t. So fucking awkward.

Tedski pulls out a joint. No fuckin’ joke! Now don’t get me wrong…I like to get Stizzled with the best of them but on a FIRST date? When it’s NEVER even remotely come up in conversation about whether your date would be cool with it? Seriously? I smile. Be breezy. I don’t partake.

The boyfriend asks if they should leave us alone, a couple of times. Tedski says nothing and I’m all like…no worries (all the while thinking please jesus christ don’t go!!). Dude probably senses I’m super uncomfortable or that Tedski wants them to get scarce. I wonder why this guy can sense my awkwardness but not Tedski? The girl and I go and try to find a bathroom. I tell her about the date and how it’s not so great. I say please don’t leave lol! She gives me her phone number.

Eventually the fire dies down. The other couple find other wood and plan to keep it going. We pack up and leave. I nonchalantly check my watch. It feels like this is the longest date in this history of the world.  I assume it’s like 1am or something.  It’s only 930pm! We had only been about 2 hours at the beach. Christ!

He casually asks about the date. I say I had fun. I mean, what else do you say to someone’s face? I know it’s kind of lying but I can’t help it…He asks if he looks like his pictures…I say yeah because I don’t know what else to say…like maybe you should stand next to a garden gnome in your photo for better height representation? He says I look way better than my photos (which I take as a huge compliment since I think my photos are actually pretty hot!)

We’re walking back up the hill towards my car and Tedski Manor and I can feel it coming…

“so we can do one of two things…” he says “…I can walk you to your car or you can come back to my place, meet my roommate, chill out…”

I spout some nonsense about being a lady (ha!) and demurely say we’d better call it a night.

My car is parked on a hill to beat all hills. We hug goodbye and he kisses me on the cheek. I have to gather the magic dress to get in the car…and then the cross-checks me like I’m…well…some really aggressive hockey player! If this had been a date that was going well I would have been mortified but since it wasn’t…meh! Teddy then holds the door for me. I get in. I’m buckled. Ready to roll. I look at him like…okay you can shut the door now.

He mumbles something about “getting a good night….” and before my thoughts can catch up and make my head turn he’s planting a kiss on me…

Awkward smile. I think I might have laughed uncomfortably. And I’m off. Bleh! I wipe my mouth. Yes, it was closed-mouthed-no-movement-all-saliva-remaining-on-outer-lips but still I was definitely a bit grossed out and immediately drove to the grocery to buy water and do some swishing lol! Might have been a minor over-reaction but I’m not sure I’ve ever let my mouth get violated before. I just couldn’t think fast enough. Plus it was so shocking. How could he have possibly thought it was a good idea…I ended the date at 930? I mean even if I was actually “ladylike” at the very least if I liked someone I’d be like, let’s get a coffee/drink/whatever. Driving home, I think I may have even done some outloud laughing and also some “thank god”ing and woohooing that I was free of that date!

I mean, it was a total and complete TEDisaster!

20 minutes later. I get a text.

U r wonderful!

Sidebar On Me Being Judgemental and Unforgiving:
So here’s another thing of the thing…as much as I can be hard on people/judgemental/etc. I was actually really upset by the whole date.

One, because well frankly I’m disappointed that it was so awful though in hindsight, I should have been more critical of the witty repartee and seen earlier it wasn’t up to par.

Two, because it never actually occurred to me that I would have a date where they liked me and I didn’t like them back. Now I’m not an idiot, I know people don’t always like each other but I always figured if one person didn’t like the other, well it would probably be mutual, because I mean, don’t you notice if someone doesn’t like you and that saps out all the chemistry?

For whatever reason though I actually had a bit of a cry over it…no joke…on the phone with my mom…that being said…I once cried over cheese…I bought it at Safeway…along with other groceries…but it had been what I went to the store for…I was making something…paid for it…got home…they hadn’t put it in the bag. Tear fest…so I’m just saying…but yeah it was upsetting.

The next night I get a message on Plenty of Fish talking about a “great time” and “would love to get together again.” I message back and as nicely as possible convey that he’s a “great guy” but that there was “no chemistry” and “good luck”

But hey. I got a language, an ego boost, a new buddy, and some dating experience out of it.


Vancouver Dating Blog:  Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time

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Victoria Young

Writer. Dater. Masturbator. Stop ruining my jokes by believing the self-deprecation. I am far greater than your boner will ever know.