[dropcap]He[/dropcap] first messaged, on Plenty of Fish, back in mid-December but I was busy with exams and keeping my priorities straight. Which was exactly what I told him and he was okay with waiting. He asked for my number and I gave it. Texting ensued but it was not good. He had just moved here from Toronto. He was an actor. He was a cry-baby complainer. I was not intrigued. Except for the fact that he had been doing stand-up for the last ten years, or so he said and we all know that just because someone claims something doesn’t make it truth. But I was optimistic as I waited for proof. waiting…waiting…
First he complained about Vancouver. “The shops here suck, the weather here sucks.” Did he just talk shit about my mamma city?
Then he complained about the people. “Everyone here is stuck up.” And while I may or may not have just conceded this point in my recent article…it drives me nuts when people can’t see both sides of a problem. Perhaps Vancouverites simply weren’t digging his woe-is-me-eeyore-tear-stained-cheeks-man-child attitude. It’s just a thought.
And then he hit me with what I can only assume was his closer, his sure-fire, his never-miss, his lady-bagger. “I’m bored senseless, and I don’t have any friends here.” I was basically a cat in heat hearing all this. I mean who wouldn’t want this charmer. I practically fell off my chair. Swoon.
And maybe it was because this was quite possibly the most stressful time of my entire life, my future academic career hanging in the balance and all that. Or maybe I’d just had it with morons in general. But I couldn’t hold back. I couldn’t bite my tongue still my texting fingers. And so I told him. Exactly what I thought. In the politest most concise way I could think of. Because I wasn’t trying to hurt his feelings. If anything I wanted the best for him. Me. And I was simply going to have to hold his hand on the way to get it.
I told him that this wasn’t the way to impress a girl. That this was the kind of thing one should be telling their friends. That’s what friends are for, yo. And he pathetically mentioned something about not having any friends here. Had this boy never heard of phonecards? or skype? And maybe I should’ve just stopped talking to him right then and there. But I’m not heartless. And I did think to myself that while dating seemed unlikely, maybe I could be his friend instead. Help the poor guy out. Except the truth is, I was still waiting for that comedian to show himself and give me a little volley. Toss a joke back and forth. Banter a bit. I still had hope, ya know.
And though it was not funny, we did end the text conversation on a slightly higher note. Okay he conceded to my excessive and all consuming wisdom gentle advice but can I still take you out. I couldn’t imagine why he would want to after I’d just killed his kittens and stolen his lunch money advised him on social protocol. But he’s a dude after all. And so his response to my really? why? was short and to the point. Which I can respect. And admittedly, was the thing that kept him in the game. Because you’re really hot.
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