What Would Chuck Norris Do?

 

[dropcap]S[/dropcap]o I’ve started this particular blog entry like 20 times now. Nothing was witty enough. Nothing was interesting enough. The details of the situation seem overwhelming (fuck!) what to include, what to not bother with….

Most people have some sort of morality on their shoulders. Perhaps a devil on the left and an angel on the right. Perhaps it’s more like Jack from Law and Order on the left and Tila Tequila on the right. Maybe it’s mom and dad vs. your friends. For me, it’s none of these…I keep my moral compass in my pocket. That being said, my shoulders are not “chip” free.

On the left, it’s me—okay well not really me. It’s the perfect me. She’s funnier, smarter, and much more interesting. She once just looked at Chuck Norris and he burst into laughter, and then he round-house kicked anyone who wasn’t laughing. Then she met a prince who flew her to Monaco where they gambled all night and after a huge losing streak she threw herself into the pot. They lost to an Arabian knight who took her back to his home where she became a sex slave. Though the Arabian Knight was a mega babe, she would not be controlled by any man. Fortunately for her, the guy from Prison Break with the blueprint tattoos happened to be tunnelling out of the Knight’s castle and took her with him. They spent the next couple of weeks running from the law all the while engaging in a torrid affair of sensual passion and intellectual stimulation…I’m just sayin’.

On the right, it’s me—okay well not really me. It’s the stagnant me. Picture Artax* (feel free to read the explanatory note but honestly if you’ve never seen “The NeverEnding Story” you won’t really get it, nor can we be friends! Lol). So yeah it’s the me that’s paralyzed by fear and anxiety and stands motionless for sheer terror of making the wrong move.

So here I am, trying to figure out what to write for this blog because ideally I want to get up-to date asap (I feel like blogs lose some of their quality when I’m writing them 2 weeks after the fact like I am right now) and I asked myself WWCND (what would Chuck Norris do)? So I round-house kicked Artax-Me out of this universe and my shoulders are feeling lighter already…that bitch was really weighing me down.

So here’s what I’ve decided:
1. I’m going to worry less about my blog recording every exact detail of my dating foibles
2. I’ll rely on the few and far between (shoutout TheHel, Mer and Rain for reading) to tell me if things aren’t making sense
3. Wow, work on personal growth aka be less serious…I mean Sheeeesh! this whole dating thing was supposed to be about fun fun and more fun lol!! Weeee!

P Sizzle…the fact that this blog which appears lengthy at best and “NeverEnding” at worst uses metaphors from the movie…is unintentional but delightful…I heart Irony!

*Artax is Atreyu’s horse. They head to the deadly Swamps of Sadness to see the ancient Morla, the wisest being in all of Fantasia but on the way Artax is overcome by the sadness of the swamps and sinks into the mud, like quicksand and the more he struggles the faster he sinks. Eventually he is swallowed completely and Atreyu must carry on alone on foot.

 

Vancouver Dating Blog:  Dating Vancouver a Better Place, One “Something” at a Time

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Victoria Young

Writer. Dater. Masturbator. Stop ruining my jokes by believing the self-deprecation. I am far greater than your boner will ever know.